Avri robert shacham joke categories

Husband: “Nothing.”

Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"

Wife: "Yes, or no."


PROBLEM SOLVER
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"

Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."

Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"

Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

“That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

He said:

“I found the remote.”

"Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," - the woman replied sweetly, - "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR
The wife asked her husband:

"What do you like most in me, my pretty face, or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

"I like your sense of humor."

"Do you know her?"

"Yes,"- I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" - said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So, you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

BENEFACTOR
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en route home he asked the cabby, if he would be a witness. He suspected his wife was having an affair and wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted:

“Don't do it! ... I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said:

“What would you do?”

The cabby replied:

“I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”.

 It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school.  Tommy was over 2 hours late.  

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” - asked John.

 “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project” - said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

 “Son,” - said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school?”

“We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie” - said Tommy.  

“What did you watch?” - asked Marsha. 

“The Ten Commandments” - answered Tommy.  

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said:

“I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” - said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said:

“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You cannot be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!”

With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

“What are you doing?” - she asked.

“I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work” - the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you're naked!” - the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,”- the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you're naked!”

“Justin loves me to wear this dress,” - she insisted. “Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” - he asked.

“This is my love dress,” - she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” - he said. “What's for dinner?”
$15 truck
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream:

“Where did you get that truck???!!!”

He calmly told them:

“'I bought it today.”

“With what money?” - demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. 

“Well,” - said the boy, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”

So the parents began to yell even louder:

“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” - they said. 

“It was the lady up the street,” - said the boy. “I don't know her name, they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my Goodness!” - moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.”

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house, where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

“Well,” - she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back). He claimed he was stranded and needed cash and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.”

"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" - she asked. 

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."

 She looked at him and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?”

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman came back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with chamomile tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
MIXED EMOTIONS
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned to his wife and said:

“Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said:

“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick… “

"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," - she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat”. 

He never heard the gunshot.

asshole The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her: "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" - she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

LECTURE
A man was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

 “I’m on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

 The policeman asked:

“Really?  And who’s giving a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife.”
CONSTANT NAGGING
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about:

“What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it”.

And on and on and on........

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight  of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

“They're not hanging Wright tonight,” - she said.

He whirled around and screamed:

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story:

“Excuse me, my dear, my stomach is aching” - and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bedroom. She then switched the lights off. He came in silently, and wasted no time on words, but quickly started the job... When he finished, the wife said:

“U didn't expect me in this bed, did u..?” - and switched on the light.

“No Madam,” - said the Watchman.

MORAL: Sometimes getting too smart can get you screwed.                                            

TIRED DOG
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me. I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:

“I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

“He lives in a home, with my non-stop chatting and nagging wife, he's trying to catch up on his sleep......Can I come with him tomorrow?”

SENSITIVE HUBBY
A man was sitting at home alone when he heard a knock on the front door. He opened it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asked if there is a problem. One of the deputies asked if he is married. He said:

"Yes, I am."

The deputy then asked if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy said:

"Sure," - and got a photo to show them. The deputy said:

"I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replied:

"I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."
Brief ones:
* Ad at the office:

“For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica. Hardly used. Fucking wife knows everything.”

* A man, told by a soothsayer that his wife is betraying him with his best friend went home and shot his dog.

* It is said that women have four types of orgasm:

Positive ones, when they scream: “Oh, yes!”

Negative ones, when they shout: “Oh, no!”

Divine ones, when they exclaim: “Oh, God!”

Fake ones: With their husbands.

* Question:

“Does your husband exercise regularly?”

Answer:

“Yes, last week he was out seven nights running.”

“What is common between you and your husband?”

Answer:

“We married the same day.”

“Why do you call your husband Henry?”

Answer:

“Because he is the eighth.”

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

Answer:

A widow.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Answer:

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

“My wife is always nagging me about money. A week ago she asked for 100 dollars, two days later for 200, the day-before-yesterday for 300 and this morning for 500 dollars.”

“What is she doing with so much money?” – asked the other wonderingly.

“How would I know? I never gave her a penny.”

“What does he want?”

“He is collecting for a municipal swimming-pool. What shall I give him?

“Give him two buckets of water.”

“Honey, could I have a piece of cake?” – he called out to his wife. “I would like to pass away, with the taste of something good on my lips.”

“No, you cannot. This cake is for the wake.”
AT HIS EXPENSE
A woman complained to her husband:

“You must do something about the curtain on the bathroom window. Every time I shower, our neighbor tries to peek at me.”

“Let him succeed just once,” – answered her caring spouse, – “and he will buy a new curtain for our bathroom window at his expense.”

POPULATION CONTROL
On his birthday, the scrooge decided to go to a restaurant. The check for the plentiful meal he consumed totaled $49.70, for which he paid with a $50 bill. The busy waitress thanked him, put the money into the cash register and continued with her other duties. A little later, when she looked towards the man’s table, she saw that he was still sitting there. She went over to him and asked:

“Is there anything else you wish, Sir?”

“I am waiting for my change,” - replied the scrooge.

The waitress returned to the cash register and after a while brought a saucer with 30 cents and a small package. The scrooge put the change into his purse, opened the package and found that it contains a package of condoms.

“What is that for?” - asked the astonished man.

“I suggest that you use it,” - answered the angry waitress, - “types like you should not multiply.”

“The one in which you asked for 10 pounds?”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“As it is you Granny, you can have them free.”

“Couldn’t you set a somewhat lower price?”
EFFICIENCY IS ALL THE RAGE
The miser’s son arrived home and proudly announced to his father:

“Daddy, today I managed to save the bus fare. Instead of getting on the bus, I ran after it all the way home.”

But instead of receiving an approving pat on the shoulder, his dad slapped his face.

“What did I do?” – wailed the boy.

“You did not use your head, that is what you did! Think of how much you could have saved, if you had run after a cab.”

A GOOD BARGAIN
Mr. Miser died and his wife wanted to publish an obituary in the local paper.

“What shall I write in the obituary?” – asked the adman.

“Just ‘Bill is dead’,” – replied Mrs. Miser. “After all everybody knew him.”

“But Madam, six words will cost you the same amount as three words.”

“Then write ‘Bill is dead, Toyota for sale’”
AGREEMENT
“Tom, mate, I see that your business is prospering. Can you loan me some money?”

“I cannot,” – replied Tom. “I have an agreement with the bank.”

“What sort of agreement?”

“They are not selling hot-dogs, I’m not loaning money.”

"40 cents for two."

"How much for one?"

"25 cents"

"Then I'll take the other one."
TEN DOLLARS
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:

"Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say:

"I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:

"Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year, I may never get another chance."

Edna replied:

"Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said:

"Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Fred:

"By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied:

"Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said:

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said:

"Girl, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied:

"Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!"

"I sure did," - said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

“All you have to do is to feign that you are someone else. You could pretend, for example, that you are a wolf and instantly you would be feared and respected by everybody.”

“How can I pretend being a wolf?”

“It is really very simple. The only difference between dogs and wolves is that when dogs meet, they smell each other’s behinds, whereas wolves merely rub noses. You look exactly like a wolf, so stop behaving like a dog, act like a wolf and everybody will accept that you are one.”

The young dog acted on the advice of the older dog and within a short period made a meteoric career and achieved a high position within society. A few years later, at a cocktail party, he saw from afar his mentor from the old days. He was not an ungrateful type and did not try to avoid him. He went over to the old dog and affectionately rubbed noses with him. The elder one looked him over and said:

“I see that you have come up in the world, but with me you don’t have to pretend. I know who you really are, so you can go ahead without fear and smell my ass.”