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- FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT
HOMESICK An American tourist came to a house of ill repute in Paris, put $100 on the table and asked for the oldest, fattest, most ugly and most disgusting woman they have. The Madam was nonplused: “For $100 Sir, you could have the youngest, prettiest, best looking girl.” “Madam, you don’t understand,” – explained the American. “It is not as if I was horny. I am just homesick.”
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances”, – they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man got a shocked look on his face and said: “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!” “Well,” - said the CIA men, – “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.” So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” – they explained. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes and then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.” “No,” – the CIA men replied. “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Now they were down to the woman left to test. Again they led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for minutes and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said: “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!” SMALL WORLD Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf, because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course and didn’t bother to wave the men on, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said: “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.” He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, turned around and came back, explaining: “I can’t do it. One of these women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.” The second man walked towards the ladies, got halfway there and just like his partner, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said: “Small world!” GOOD REASON The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. “I assume, “ – she snarled, – “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?” “There is,” – he replied, – “breakfast.”
“And who is he?” “That is Antonio, an Italian singer,” – answered the hunter. “I bagged him in my wife’s bed.”
“What did I do?” - queried the man. “You were speeding,” - replied the policeman. “You see!” - interjected the woman. “How many times do I have to tell you to drive more slowly?” Without another word, the policeman returned the driver’s papers and waved them on their way. “Are you letting me go without a fine?” - asked the man incredulously. “I think that you have been punished enough, my friend,” - said the policeman graciously.
“YOU ARE SEEING ANOTHER WOMAN!” Adam responded: “Don't be silly, you are the only woman on earth” – and went to sleep. Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle in his chest and saw it was Eve. “What the heck are you doing?” – he asked. “I'm counting your ribs,” – she responded. FIT PRESENT A fellow said to his buddy: “I don't know what to buy my wife for her birthday. She already has everything, so I'm really stumped.” His buddy said: “I have an idea. Make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!” The next day his buddy asked: “Well, did you accept my suggestion? How'd it turn out?” “She loved it. She thanked me, jumped up, kissed me on the mouth and ran out the door yelling: See you in two hours!”
“There’s that woman the guy next door is in love with!” His wife dropped the plate she was drying in the kitchen, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase and looked out the window: “Where? Where?” – she demanded. “Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress.” “You idiot! That’s his wife!!!” “Yes, I know,” – the husband said with a satisfied grin.
“I don’t like your wife at all.” “Neither do I,” – whispered the husband back, – “but what can I do? She’s such a good mother to our kids.”
“I am quite hungry, so broil me your biggest, thickest, juiciest beef-steak.” “And what about the Mad Cow?” – asked the waiter. “The mad cow can order whatever she fancies.” HOMELIES Said a man: “I have a very educated wife. She speaks two foreign languages and reads a lot.” His pal nodded quietly: “My wife is ugly too.” FAMILIAR WITH THE TYPE An elderly couple was driving cross-country and the woman was driving. She got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said: “Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?” The woman turned to her husband and asked: “What did he say?” The old man yelled: “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.” The patrolman said: “May I see your license?” The woman turned to her husband and asked: “What did he say?” The old man yelled: “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.” The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said: “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex I have ever had.” The woman turned to her husband and asked: “What did he say?” “HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,” – the old man yelled. The same A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent”. “One penny?!” - exclaimed the guy. “Yes”- said the barman. The guy glanced over at the menu and asked: “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a salad?” “Certainly sir” - replied the bartender, - “but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” - inquired the guy. “Four cents,” - he answered. “Four cents?!” - exclaimed the guy. “Where's the guy who owns this place?” The barman replied: “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy said: “What's he doing with your wife?” The bartender replied: “Same as what I'm doing to his business.” HAPPY DAY Jim came to work with an unusually radiant face, whistling a cheerful little tune under his breath. “What is the happy occasion, Jimmy boy?” – queried his co-workers. “My wife lets me have sex with her only once a year,” – replied Jim, with a big grin across his face. “What is there to be happy about such deplorable behavior?” – asked one colleague. “Because today is that day!”
“When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all-different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking.” “Why complain?” – said the counselor. “You're still getting the same service!”
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, decided to go the party. Her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought that she would have some fun by watching him, to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, the husband left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation her mate would make for his behavior. The wife was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.” Then she asked: “Did you dance much?” He replied: “I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.......” JOLTED AWAKE A woman complained to her best friend: “There is only one thing wrong with my husband. When he comes, he always lets out an earsplitting yell.” “That’s not so bad,” – answered the friend, – “it would even arouse me.” “It arouses me too, “ – said the first woman, – “but it also wakes me up.” ground rules A typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: “I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said: “No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not.” NOW SHE HAS NO CHOICE Undressing at the swimming pool, a woman noticed her friend wearing men’s underwear. “Since when do you wear boxer shorts?” – she asked. “Since my husband found them in the glove compartment of my car.”
“Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly: Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. “ On the way home, the husband asked his wife: “What did the doctor say?” “That you’re going to die,” – she replied.
“Hello?” “Honey, It's me.” “Sugar!” “Are you at the club?” “Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?” “What's the price?” “Only $1,500.00” “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.” “Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...” “What price did he quote you?” “Only $60,000.” “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” “Great! But before we hang up, something else...” “What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property...” “How much are they asking?” “Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it...” “Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?” “OK, sweetie ...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!” “Bye ...I do too...” The man hanged up, closed the phone's flap and raising his hand while holding the phone asked all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?” BEFORE IT STARTS A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television and told his wife: “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighed and got him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he said: “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.” The wife was furious. She yelled at him: “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .” The man sighed and said: “It’s started.” STOIC PATIENT The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. “No expensive extras, Doctor,” – he ordered. “No gas or needles, or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” – said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?” Mr. Miller turned to his wife: “Show him your tooth, Honey.”
“Which one is your father, son?” “I don’t know. That’s what they’re fighting about.”
“Now do you understand?” – he asked. “I think so.” – she said. “That is when mommy came to work for us.”
“May I have two bagels to go, please?” The baker said in astonishment: “Two bagels? Nothing more?” “That’s right,” – answered the little man. “One for me and one for Bernice.” “Bernice is your wife?” – asked the baker. “What do you think,” – snapped the little man, – “my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health failed you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” – she gently asked smiling, her heart filling with warmth. “I think you're bad luck.” FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT It was Sunday. Most members of the small community attended church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the house of worship. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said: “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied: “Yep, sure do.” “Aren’t you afraid of me?” – Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain’t” – said the man. “Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” – asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute,” – returned the old man, in an even tone. “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” – persisted Satan. “Yep,” – was the calm reply. “And you’re still not afraid?” – asked Satan. “Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied: “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.” PRIORITIES A man was in a terrible accident and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for a “small,” $6,500 for a “medium,” and $14,000 for a “large.” The man was sure he would want a medium, or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room and found the man looking quite gloom. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” – asked the doctor. The man answered: “She'd rather remodel the kitchen”.
“Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?” The flattered husband said: “No, dear they haven't.” The wife yelled: “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?” BARBERSHOP TRIO A man stuck his head into a barbershop and asked: “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said: “About 2 hours.” The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop full of customers and said: “About 2 hours.” The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked: “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said: “About an hour and a half.” The guy left. The barber looked over at a friend in the shop and said: “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asked: “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said: “To your house to visit your wife.” BERIBBONED A couple had a dog that snored. When the woman complained to the vet, he advised her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” – she said. That night, the husband was out late with his buddies. A few minutes after the wife went to bed, the dog began snoring as usual. The woman tossed and turned, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she went to the closet, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stopped snoring. The woman was amazed! The husband came home late, more than a little tipsy, climbed immediately into bed, fell asleep and began snoring loudly. His wife, again unable to sleep, thought that maybe the ribbon would do the trick on him too. So she went to the closet once again, grabbed a piece of ribbon and tied it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly it also worked on him! At last she could sleep soundly. The husband awakened from his drunken stupor and stumbled into the bathroom. As he stood in front of the toilet, he glanced in the mirror and saw a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He felt very confused and as he walked back into the bedroom, he saw red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shook his head, looked at the dog and said: “I don't know where we were, or what we did, but by God, we got first and second places.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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