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- ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE
- MOTHERS MONKEYING AROUND
- MOTHER-IN-LAW A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE
- EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME
- NOT AN ENJOYABLE OCCASION
- PERFECT ALARM SYSTEM “Do you have an alarm system in your car” “Yes, my mother-in-law.” FREUDIAN SLIP
- NAUGHTY JOKES PURE COINCIDENCE
THE PRICE OF FAME Little Red Riding Hood walked through the forest until she reached her Grandma's house. She knocked on the door and her Grandmother let her in. They sat down and had some tea together. Little Red Riding Hood got suspicious that something was wrong, when someone knocked on the door. It was the hunter. They invited him in and poured him some tea. They chatted for a while, but Little Red Riding Hood became even more suspicious and so did the hunter. After about a half an hour he exclaimed: “I know what is wrong! The wolf is missing.” And so off he went to search for him in the forest. Finally he found the wolf in deep sleep between the bushes. The hunter went over to him and gave him a mighty kick: “Get up you lazy beast, you should have devoured Grandma and Little Red Riding Hood long ago.” “Leave me alone, I’m exhausted. I danced with Kevin Costner all night long.” THOUGH LUCK A guy got home from work one night and heard a voice. The voice told him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.” The man was disturbed by what he heard, but ignored the voice. The next day when he got home from work, the same thing happened. The voice told him: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Vegas.” Again the man ignored the voice, though he was very troubled by the event. Every day, day after day, the man heard the same voice when he got home from work: “Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas.” Each time he heard the voice, he became more upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbed to the pressure. He quit his job, sold his house, took his money and headed to Las Vegas. The moment the man got off the plane, the voice told him: “Go to Harrah's.” So he hopped in a cab and rushed over to Harrah's. As soon as he set foot in the casino, the voice told him: “Go to the roulette table.” The man did as he was told. When he got to the roulette table, the voice told him: “Put all your money on 17.” Nervously, the man cashed in his money for chips and then put it all on number 17. The dealer wished the man good luck and spun the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caromed. The man watched the ball anxiously as it slowly lost speed, until finally it settled into number ...21. The voice said: “Shit.....” WAY TO GO Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when a big, bad wolf came out from behind the trees and threatened to devour her. The poor, frightened girl begged for her life and promised to do anything he wished if he just let her go on in peace to her grandmother. The wolf had his way with her, but then tried again to devour her. Little Red Riding Hood had to promise him once again to do his bidding and once more the wolf availed himself of her. The wolf must have been very hungry, because when he was finished, he tried to devour the girl again, but this time it was she who offered to have sex with him. The wolf did his utmost and then collapsed in exhaustion. Just then a policeman passed through the forest and upon seeing what had happened, called to Little Red Riding Hood: “Well done! Three wolves in one day!” ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE PEACE Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest, when suddenly she saw the big, bad wolf, hiding behind the trees. “Wolf, wolf,” - she asked, - “why are your eyes so big?” “Leave me in peace,” - shouted the wolf - “can’t you see that I'm trying to have a shit.”
“She's taking off her blouse!” - said Doc, to Dopey who was right below him. “She's taking off her blouse!” “She's taking off her blouse!” Then she started to take off her skirt. “She's taking off her skirt!” - said Doc. “She's taking off her skirt!” “She's taking off her skirt!” Then she started to take off her bra. “She's taking off her bra!” “She's taking off her bra!” “She's taking off her bra!” Then she started taking off her panties. “She's taking off her panties!” “She's taking off her panties!” “She's taking off her panties!” All of a sudden, Doc heard a noise in the bushes. “Somebody's coming!” “Me too!” “Me too!” “Me too!”
“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.” That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “No fucking way.” EXCELLENT GUESS The prince took a stroll in the woods. Suddenly an ugly old woman, with a magpie on her shoulder appeared. “Beautiful prince,” - said the hag - “if you manage to guess the name of the bird on my shoulder, I will be yours three times in a row.” “A giraffe,” - said the prince in panic. “Right on the first guess!” ADAM AND EVE After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said: “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered: “Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?” The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush… Moments later, Adam emerged and said: “Thank you Lord, we thought that was wonderful!” And the Lord replied: “Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said: “What is a 'caress'?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam took his beloved wife behind the bushes... Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling and said: “Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said: “You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam inquired: “What is it to 'to make love', Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared almost instantly... And Adam said: “Lord, what is a 'headache'?” GREETING CARD Hi Earthling, Here I am a creature from outer space, I have transformed myself into this piece of paper, Right now I am having sex with your fingers, I know you like it because you are smiling, Please send me on to someone else or stay with me. MOTHERS MONKEYING AROUND The mother took her son to the Zoo. As they approached the primate cages, she noticed with horror that a pair of gorillas were in the middle of steamy intercourse. Horrified of the bad influence this sight might have on her son, she tried to drag him away, but the child was adamant. He wanted to see the monkeys. As a last recourse, the mother grabbed the sleeve of the nearby attendant and urgently whispered into his ear: “Do you think that if I gave them a banana each, they would stop?” Bemused, the attendant looked her over and asked: “Would you, Madam?” A WORD FROM THE WISE Like a hen worried about her brood, the mother hovered around the room, where her just-married daughter and husband had retired for their wedding night. She put her ear to the keyhole and tried to divine from the sounds emerging from inside, if everything was all right. The freshly minted husband had some difficulties. In the morning, excited about the upcoming event, he was in a hurry to get dressed and now could not untie his shoelaces. His bride tried to help him, but she too, could not manage to untie the knot. From the other side of the door the mother heard the following: “I cannot manage. It simply does not go!” - said her son-in-law. “So let’s cut the damn thing,” - suggested the daughter. Here the mother could restrain herself no longer. “For God’s sake,” - she shouted through the keyhole - “don’t cut it! Try some petroleum jelly.”
“Does he love it as much?” “He hates it. But he gets a penny after every spoonful.” “And what does he do with so much money?” – asked the neighbor wonderingly. “He puts it in his saving-box and when it is full, we buy more castor-oil.”
Upon arrival, she called her mother in Brooklyn to tell her that she had arrived safely and everything was fine. The lines were bad, but she managed to get through, had her say and in exchange got some motherly advice, which ended with something like: “.... and get yourself a nice ..itch... doctor!” Rachel was an obedient girl and whenever possible followed her mother’s advice. Following a month’s stay, her airplane landed at Kennedy airport. Accompanying the girl down the gangway right on her heels, was a 6 ft tall black man, wearing a grass shirt, with a tiger pelt over his shoulders, his scarred face painted white, a bone in his nose and a big spear in his hand. The aghast mother took her daughter aside and whispered: “Rachel, my dear, who is this scarecrow?” “This is my husband, the witch doctor you told me to get.” “What I told you was to get a rich doctor!” BRAGGARTS Four old college friends were having coffee. The first, a Catholic woman told her friends: “My son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone addresses him 'Father'.” The second Catholic woman chirped: “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'.” The third Catholic crone said: “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'.” Since the fourth woman, a Jewish lady, sipped her coffee in silence, the first three women gave her this subtle “Well...?” So she replied: “My son is 6' 6”, has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, is terribly handsome, dresses very well, has a tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room the women gasp: ‘Oh, my God...'“
“Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.” “I don't know. What would I wear?” “Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker.” “But I only eat kosher food.” “Mama, I am going to be the President, I can get you kosher food.” “But how will I get there?” “I'll send a limo, just come Mama.” “Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.” The great day came and Mama was seated between the Supreme Court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudged the gentleman on her right. “You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!”
“Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?” The mother replied: “Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.” The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turned to the mother and said: “Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!” A brief period of silence followed and the girl then asked: “Mummy, do the ladies have any children?” The mother replied: “Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?” THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE Walking unexpectedly into her adolescent daughter’s room, the mother found her in bed with a boy. Nonchalantly the doting parent remarked: “I just hope you are not going to take up smoking next!” OUT OF HIS KIND HEART Said a mother to her neighbor: “I don’t know why it is said that people in the big city are so bad. My daughter moved to New York just a few months ago and her boss has already presented her with a fur coat, a sports car and a fully furnished apartment.” IMMACULATE CONCEPTION A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say: "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury. She argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became even more enraged and screamed: "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show.”
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that but every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks........ And believe me, it helps me sleep at night! NAMESAKES The hippie mother, accompanied by her 15 children, entered the Family Support Program’s office. “Way to go!” – exclaimed the social worker. “Are they all yours?” “Of course they are mine,” – answered tartly the mother, who seemed to have enough of the recurring question and then turned to kids and issued the order: “Jimmy, sir down!” All children took their places. “OK” – said the social worker, – “then let’s now fill out together this questionnaire. First I would require the last names of the children.” “This one here is the eldest, Jimmy.” “Got it. And the next one?” “This one is Jimmy.” The social worker raised her eyebrows, cleared her throat, but continued to write. The names of all four of the eldest boys, one after another, were Jimmy. Then came the turn of the eldest girl and surprise, surprise, her name too was Jimmy. “All right,” – said the office employee, – “I’m starting to get it now. Did you name all children Jimmy? “Yea, it really simplifies matters,” – answered the mother. “When it is time for them to start to school, I give a shout: ‘Jimmy darling, move your ass!’ When dinner is ready, I call out ‘Jimmy sweetheart, come and get it!’ and they all come running. If there is danger that one of them will cross the road unattended I just cry out: ‘Jimmy, stop!’ and they all freeze in their tracks. It was my best idea ever to christen all of them as Jimmy.” The social worker thought a bit, her forehead furrowed and then wonderingly asked: “And if you want to call just one of them, not the whole team?” “What is the problem? Then I call them by their first names.” THE VET One Sunday, counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," - he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied: "That's wonderful, But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" The elderly woman answered: "$10,000 a week." The pastor was amazed: "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," - she answered. "That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," - the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The woman answered proudly: "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno”.
* Question: “Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale’s?” Answer: “So her daughter would visit twice a week.” * Question: “What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?” Answer: “Guilt.”
MOTHER-IN-LAW A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE A large crowd assembled in front of the high-rise building. A woman was holding on with all her might to the banister of one of the sixth-floor balconies, while an agitated man was clubbing her fingers with a hammer. One of the onlookers shouted: “Have pity man, why are you harassing that poor woman?” “She is not a poor woman, she is my mother-in-law.” “The dirty bitch, see how she keeps holding on.” PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT “My dear Sir, your mother-in-law is in very bad condition. You should brace yourself for the worst.” “Doctor, I have only one request: Treat her as if she were your own mother-in-law.” SELLER’ S MARKET One of Green’s horses kicked his mother-in-law and the old lady died of her injuries. Many people came to her funeral, even from the surrounding villages. “What a crowd!” - wondered Green’s friend, - “was your mother-in-law so well loved?” “Hell, no, they just want to buy the horse.”
“Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty wine bottles?” “Do I look, like someone who drinks wine?” “Excuse me Madam, do you have any empty vinegar bottles?” GRATIFICATION A married couple was involved in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only suitable place was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before. All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful face. One day when she was alone with her husband, she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said: “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you!” He replied: “Oh don't worry, Honey. I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!” EVERYTHING AT ITS PROPER TIME The farmer was working in his garden when his neighbor came running: “Come quickly, your mother-in-law has dropped dead!” “I have to finish here first. Work comes before pleasure.”
“What is the punishment for bigamy?” “Two mothers-in-law.”
After a surprisingly steamy session, followed by a more relaxed one, the man felt like having a beer and went to the kitchen. To his amazement, he saw his wife there, having a cup of coffee. “You are here? Then who was that in our bed I just had sex with?” - he stammered. “That must have been my mother,” - answered his spouse stoically. “She was a bit tired, so she took a rest in our bed.” “Then why didn’t she speak up?” “She hasn’t spoken to you for 20 years, has she? So why should she now?” NOT AN ENJOYABLE OCCASION With her last breath the terminally sick woman asked of her husband: “I want you to give me your word, my dear, that you and my mother will make up and you will walk side-by-side after my coffin at my funeral.” Huffily the husband grumbled: “I promise, I promise, but I must confess, that I will not enjoy this funeral very much.” PERFECT ALARM SYSTEM “Do you have an alarm system in your car?” “Yes, my mother-in-law.” FREUDIAN SLIP A patient said: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'" NAUGHTY JOKES PURE COINCIDENCE In the late afternoon hours, a well-dressed lady came into the pub, took a seat at the bar and ordered a triple whisky. The place was almost deserted, so the bartender had time on his hands to satisfy his curiosity. As he brought her the glass, he asked: “Excuse me for asking, but are you celebrating anything? I mean, it is not every day that a lone lady walks onto the premises and orders a whisky and a triple one at that.” “Indeed, it is a special occasion and I don’t mind telling you about it,” - replied the woman. “For many years I have been trying to get pregnant and have had no success. I am just returning from my gynecologist who told me that I am pregnant at last.” The barman congratulated his customer and went back to his work. Not long afterwards a man looking like a farmer, came into the pub, found a place at the bar and ordered a large whisky. The bartender, being a curious man, asked the farmer, if he is celebrating anything. “Of course I am,” - replied the man. “I make my living from a chicken-farm and during the last year the damn hen would not lay eggs, at least not as many, as they used to.” “So what did you do?” - asked the bartender again. “The obvious,” - came the reply. “Changed cocks.” “What a coincidence!” - muttered the lone woman to herself. Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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