Avri robert shacham joke categories
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ORGANIC vegetables My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” The produce guy looked at me and said: “No. You'll have to do that yourself.” lOTTERY A woman got home, screeched her car into the driveway, ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs: "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said: “Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff, or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," – she said. "Just get out!”
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked: "What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered: "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" - was his incredulous reply. She answered: "Well, today I didn't do it." BEAUTIFUL A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said: "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open again and he said: "You're cute." The wife was disappointed, because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked: "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied: "The drugs are wearing off”. a sweet story A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife: "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" - asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries, Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was: "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying: "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
"Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, cutie pie?..."LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU**ING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFU**ING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" .............and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't this a sweet story? a BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine. Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" - asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade." HE SAID – SHE SAID Priest said: “I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.” She said: “Who's gonna look?” He said: “Let's go out and have some fun tonight.” She said: “Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.” He said: “Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?” She said: “I would, but you said not to call you at work.” He said: “I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.” She said: “You wear pants don't you?” He said: “.Shall we try swapping positions tonight?” She said: “That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.” anatomy class A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman: "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm? "Sure" - she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" - she replied. “He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" - one asked. "Oh yes!" - he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" “Oh, yes" - our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried: "Do you always wear a condom when you run? " OR WHAT? A man told his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician told the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife came to the doctor’s office, he asked her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband any more. "For the last 7 months," – the wife replied, – "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.' On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex anymore." The doctor thought for a second. "So," – he said, – "are we going to tell your husband or what?" Sex in the dark Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights... She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device. A v*i*b*r*a*t*o*r! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b*a*s*t*a*r*d," - she screamed at him, - "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly: "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids".
"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend." Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him: "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear sun-block." do anything you want One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. “Tie me up," - she purred, - "and you can do anything you want." So, he tied her up and went golfing.
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruise, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," - said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" - asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife: "Hey, this looks like yours! I don't remember much after that!"
"Would you like a new mink coat?" - he asked. "Not really," - said Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" – said John. "No," - she responded. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" - he suggested. She again rejected his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what would you like for your anniversary?" - John asked. "John, I'd like a divorce," - answered Mary. "Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John. A REAL SWITCH Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender: "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." “Oh, yeah?" - said Charlie "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," - Mike replied, - "she came to me on her hands and knees.” "Really?" - said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said: "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken shit".
Unable to stand the embarrassment, Mary dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband Joe who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," - the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" - the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," - the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" - the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" - replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" - the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" - exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," - said the man, - "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded: "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied: "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." insomnia "Listen to me, Mr. Levy," - said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know, but I can't," - said Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone." CURSE An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man said without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife." ALL-IN-ONE While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" - I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," - he replied. "You'd never get it all in one
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "See-- There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?" Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole neighborhood blacks out." Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?” Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his widow."
"I want to make love to you right now." His eyes lighted up and he thought: "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, Bert gave it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards Sarah said: "Thanks!" - and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, Bert asked: "What was that all about?" Sarah explained: "The egg timer's broken."
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
"Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," - he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," - Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Ole sipped his beer and said: "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find." born again Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
"Sorry, lady," - said the stonecutter. "I inscribed "REST IN PEACE" on your orders. I can't change it now." "Very well," - she said grimly. "Just add 'UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN'." CANDLE A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," - he replied, - "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" - came the harried reply. AD A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine." SOUND ADVICE A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked: "What's wrong?" The man replied: "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked: "How can that be?" "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offered: "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi called the man and said: "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied: "Take the poison."
“Tell me something that will make me happy and sad in the same time” The wife promptly replied: “The plumber has a smaller dick than yours." SHE IS THERE As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt. The little ol' man looked at the pastor and calmly said: "Well, she's there!" THOUGH QUESTION A woman was at home when she heard someone knock at the door. She went to open it and saw a man standing there. He asked the lady: “Do you have a vagina?” She slammed the door in disgust. The next morning she again heard a knock at the door. It was the same man and he asked the same question: “Do you have a vagina?” She slammed the door again. Later that night when her husband got home she told him what has happened for the last two days. The husband told the wife in a loving and concerned voice: “Honey I am taking tomorrow off, to be home just in case this guy shows up again.” The next morning they heard a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband said to the wife in a whispered voice: “Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy, I want you to answer yes to the question, because I want to see where he is going with it.” She nodded yes to her husband and opened the door. Sure enough, the same fellow was standing there and asking the same question. “Do you have a vagina?” “Yes” - she said... The man replied: “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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