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- IN THE MIDDLE EAST THE SPY
- NOMEN EST OMEN (The Middle East version)
- NOMEN EST OMEN (The European version)
- Brief one: * Complained the Middle East dictator: “Why is it said that I am surrounded by ‘Yes-men’. When I say ‘NO’, everybody else says ‘NO’.” INDIANS
- THE GIRL AND THE INDIAN
- LAWYERS MISTAKEN IDENTITY
FORCE OF HABIT The passenger in the taxicab wanted to light a cigarette when he noticed that he had no matches. At a traffic-light he leaned forward and tapped the driver’s shoulder: “Do you mind if I light up?’ The driver shrieked and turned around with an ashen face. The passenger was embarrassed: “Excuse me for giving you a shock. I only wanted to ask you for a light.” “It’s really not your fault sir, but I’m replacing the regular driver only temporarily. usually I drive a hearse.”
During one of the big waves of new immigrants immigrating to Israel, a mole was sent along. Twenty years later, the local KGB man - masquerading as a TASS correspondent - was told to activate the mole. All he knew was the man’s address, that his name is Cohen and that he is married with two children. When the operative arrived at the given address, he found to his surprise that there are four Cohens living in the big apartment house. Luckily enough, a child was playing downstairs and he immediately asked: “Who are you looking for, Uncle?” “Do you know Cohen?” - asked the KGB man. “He has two young children.” “Of course. I know everybody in this house,” - protested the boy. “There is Moishe Cohen the banker, but he is a pensioner and his children are grown-up. Abraham Cohen, the painter has no children; then there is David Cohen, the hairdresser, but he is not married, so you are probably looking for Yitzhak Cohen, the spy. He lives on the 3rd floor, Apartment 34.” NOT TO WORRY The new era of technical progress had finally dawned at the Israeli border settlement. It was hoped that with the purchase of the very last word in milking equipment, many man-hours would be saved and the supply of milk would increase. Eli, in charge of the cow stables, received the shipment and as he was unpacking it, he had a sudden idea: “Perhaps it would be best, if I first tried out the machine on myself.” As advertised, the milking machine was user-friendly, easy to set up and as soon as it was attached, it started sucking and massaging gently. After a while, when he achieved satisfaction with the product, Eli reached out and attempted to switch it off. To his great surprise, he could find no “ON/OFF” switch. The constant sucking started becoming uncomfortable and even painful. With great effort, he dragged himself over with all the attachments to the phone and dialed the importer’s number. The technical representative’s answer was really comforting: “Don’t worry, sir! Our machine is completely automatic and is guaranteed to shut itself off after 3 liters.” NOMEN EST OMEN (The Middle East version) For the inhabitants of a small, constricted country, the call of the open spaces has a special charm. Five Israelis decided to make a trip to the Sinai Desert. They all piled into a Renault car and drove south until they reached the Egyptian Border. They presented their passports, with visas duly stamped and expected to be waved on. Instead, the border guard bent down to the car window and in a stern voice said: “One of you will have to get out!” “But why?” - wondered the tourists. “There are five of you in a Renault 4, that’s one too many.” The Israelis could not manage to convince the guard that the name of the car has no connection to the number passengers permitted to ride in it. Even the insurance policy, which stated “carries five passengers”, did not make him change his mind. In the end the Israelis asked: “May we speak with your superior officer?” “You may not. He is having an argument with a couple who arrived in a Fiat Uno.”
"It's a illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" - asked the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" - replied the Italian official. "Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", - the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", - replied the Italian customs agent. "Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea peopleina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law". The German driver replied angrily: "You idiot! Call your supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry", - responded the Italian official, - "he can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
“Mètro?”
“No, only half a Mètro,” - answered the man morosely and zipped his fly. MUSICAL GIRL The young Israeli salesman was posted to the Italian branch of his company. On arrival in Rome, he met a fellow countryman who tried to coach him in the ways of the capital: “Remember one thing,” - he said, - “everything here is negotiable. There are no fixed prices and after a little bargaining, you end up paying much less than the original price. The above holds true even with presents you buy your girlfriend. Never give her everything she asks for.” After a few weeks the two bumped into one another again. “How did you manage?” - asked the more experienced Israeli. “Just fine. Your advice was sound and I even found myself a girlfriend.” “And what did you buy her for the Holidays?” “I bought her a radio-transistor,” - said the novice. “What on earth gave you the idea to buy her a radio?” - wondered the other. “At night, when she bought me to her place, she kept whispering: ‘Piano, Piano!’ but I couldn’t very well buy her a piano, could I?”
After a night of partying, the kibbutz-girl had to get up at 4.30 for the early-morning milking. She was a bit tired and after finishing with two cows, she nodded off. She woke up suddenly and on perceiving the udder hanging before her, exclaimed: “Boys, boys, one at the time, if you don’t mind!”
“Children, what does this remind you of?” - she asked. A girl raised her finger. “Yes, Miriam!” - said the teacher. “It reminds me of the day, when a pillow-case was torn and the feathers flew all over our house.” “Very good, but I thought of something slightly different.” Another girl said that the falling pellets reminded her of falling snow, as she saw in a film. “Excellent, Tamar!” - commented the teacher and wanted to continue with the lesson, when she noticed yet another raised finger. “Yes, Moishe’le. What does this remind you of?” “Of sex,” - said the child. “Sex?” - wondered the teacher. “How does that come into it?” “Everything reminds me of sex!” A WORTHWHILE EFFORT A religious man came to the police station and lodged a complaint against a girl, living across the street, who undresses every night before the open window, thus disturbing him in his meditations. The man was promised that an investigator would be sent out to visit the scene of the “crime.” One evening, a policeman arrived and asked the complainer to show him the offending window. The man pointed at a certain window in a distant building. “Excuse me, Sir,” - wondered the officer, - “but one can hardly see that window and even if it could be seen, it would be difficult to distinguish details.” “Of course,” - replied the man. “If you want to see what is happening in that window, you have to push the table to the furthermost left corner of the bedroom window and use the binoculars I keep in the drawer.”
One day, just as three female members of the settlement were showering, they heard the door on the other side of the wall open and a lone man came in. That was the opportunity they were waiting for. Each woman took turns bending down to peek through the hole. The first woman commented in a whisper: “It is not my husband.” Her companion agreed: “Of course it is not your husband.” It was the third woman who clinched the matter: “He is not from our settlement at all.”
At the end of the tour, the bus brought them to Fiumicino Airport, where their plane waited. While the members of the group got out of the bus, the guide stood near the door, with a big smile on his face and somehow radiating expectation. The tourists were generous in their praise, each of them stopped by him, shook his hand and warmly thanked him for his efforts. The guide appreciated the gratitude, but somehow expected a little more than that. The smile slowly froze on his lips. “Maybe the habit of tipping is unknown in Israel,” - he thought, as he shook another outstretched hand. “Maybe I should have somehow mentioned the fact that our salaries are small and we rely on the tourists’ gratuities to complement it.” Only one Israeli was left in the bus. He too approached the frustrated guide with an outstretched hand, but all of a sudden - as though he only now remembered it - reached into his pocket and took out a thick envelope. “We wanted to show you our appreciation of your outstanding performance, so we all pitched in and collected a tidy sum for you. Thank you for a job well done.” This was a little too much for the guide and he burst out: “I don’t know, whether or not you really crucified Jesus Christ, but you sure made him sweat!”
“Tell me Baba, why does the sun rise every day on this side and set on that side?” The Bedouin scratched his head through his kaffiyeh* and said thoughtfully: “I truly don’t know. I never really thought of it.” In the evening they reached an oasis and quenched their thirst from the spring beneath the palms. The inquisitive child had another question: “Baba, why is it, that everything is dry all around and only here water comes out of the earth?” “A good question, but I don’t know the answer. It was always like that, even during our ancestors’ days.” At night, when they the lied under their blankets, the boy looked up at the star-studded sky and wondered aloud: “Do you know Baba, what the stars are?” “No, Son,” - replied his father, - “I really have no idea.” At the end of their journey, the boy said to his parent: “I hope I did not bother you too much with my questions and that you will take me again.” “You did not bother me at all,” - replied the Bedouin, - “you should ask questions. How else would you acquire knowledge?”
There is nothing like being in a desperate situation to make you focus your thoughts. In his dire need for sleep, an idea came to Ahmed, the best he had in years. “Guys, haven’t you heard,” - he cried out, - “they’re giving away chocolates tonight at the Main Square?” In two minutes flat, the hut was empty and blessed tranquility reigned all around. As the Main Square was at least 45 minutes walk away, Ahmed calculated that at worst, he would have one-and-half hours of undisturbed rest. He stretched out contentedly, righted his pillow, pulled his blanket over his head and was already half asleep, when a sudden thought brought him wide awake and made him jump out of bed: “In Allah’s name, I must be the biggest fool in the world! What I am doing at home sleeping, when they are giving away chocolates at the Main Square?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. As Moses wished to cleanse himself, he went over to the other side of the pond, took of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when he came out of the water, has he discovered that all his clothes have been stolen... I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians were those who stole them.” Hearing this accusation, Yasser Arafat jumped out of his seat and screamed: “This is a lie. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!” “And with that in mind” – said the Israeli Representative, – “let me begin my speech...”
“Do you know what these are?” “No, we don’t,” - said both youths in unison. “You put them on, so I won’t become pregnant.” They did as told and the rest of the meeting evolved to the mutual satisfaction of all parties involved. The tourist thanked the boys, gave them her card - in case they are ever in Germany - kissed them good-bye and went on her way. Two days passed. The youths were again busy in the field, when one of them suddenly asked: “Tell me, would you mind if that blonde shiksa* had any children?” “No, not at all,” - replied his pal. “Then let’s take this thing off. I’m dying to have a piss.”
“Excuse me, where is the nearest Catholic Church?” “There are no Catholic churches in Netanyah” (a town inhabited by Jews only), – answered the man. “They must all be Protestants here,” – murmured the tourist to himself. TAKING NO CHANCES A guy went on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. Suddenly the mother-in-law died. They went to a local undertaker, who explained that they could ship the body home, but that would cost over $5000, whereas they could bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy said: "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asked: "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy said: "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.” SHAMING HIS PARENTS An Arab Emir’s son was sent to study in Germany. After about a month, he wrote a letter to his parents, in which he described Berlin in glowing words, praised the studies and told them about his new friends. At the end of the letter, he added: “There is only one thing that causes me a certain degree of embarrassment, I get to the Uni in my golden Mercedes, but the faculty arrives in the Metro”. No more than ten day later, his parents replied: “Our darling son, in the envelope you will find a check in the amount of million Euros. Please do not put us to shame, buy yourself a Metro.” Brief one: * Complained the Middle East dictator: “Why is it said that I am surrounded by ‘Yes-men’. When I say ‘NO’, everybody else says ‘NO’.” INDIANS JOHN WAYNE An Indian from the nearby reservation came to the trading post for his monthly shopping. When he inquired what kind of toilet paper they have, the trader answered that they stock three different kinds: “The best quality is called 'Plushy Velvet' and it costs $15 per package.” “That is too expensive for me,” - said the Indian. “Maybe you prefer our medium quality 'Silky Soft' at $12?” “Don’t you have anything cheaper?” “Then take this package which costs only $10.” “What is its name?” - asked the Indian. “It has no name,” - replied the merchant. After a few weeks the Indian returned to the trading post. “By the way,” - he remarked while looking through the merchandise, - “I found a name for your cheap toilet paper. I would call it John Wayne.” “What a funny idea,” - wondered the trader. “Why John Wayne?” “It is rough, tough and takes no shit from Indians.” THE GIRL AND THE INDIAN The shapely city girl was driving in the desert when the car ran out of fuel. Luckily an Indian just rode by and he offered to give her a ride on his mount to the nearest gas station. Every few minutes the Indian let out a tremendous huuu. When they reached their destination, the girl dismounted and the Indian, after letting out another tremendous yoo-hoo, rode away. “My God!” - said the gas station attendant. “What did you do to that Indian that he shouted so mightily?” “Nothing that I know of,” - answered the girl. “With one hand I embraced his waist and with the other held on to his saddle’s horn.” “My dear lady, Indians don’t use saddles.” TOTAL RECALL An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the local Hilton and as he paid his bill asked the manager: “By the way, what's with that Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived.” “Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not',” - said the manager. “The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life.” The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. “'ello, mate!” - said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. “What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?” “Eggs,” - was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the East Coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me-Not's great memory. One local remarked to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than 'ello mate'. On his return to the Hilton six months later he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me-Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. “How?” - said the Aussie. “Scrambled,” - said the Chief. MATHEMATICALLY MINDED In the Mohawk tribe, three pregnant women gave birth on the same day. The one who slept on horsehide gave birth to a boy; the second who slept on buffalo hide gave birth to a girl and the third who slept on a mattress made of hippopotamus hide, had twins. The young chief, who has just majored in math, described the event as follows: “The squaw of hippopotamus is equal to the sum of squaws of the other two hides.” THOSE KIDS A group of Indians was chatting before a teepee. A child started to fiddle with the fire. His father smacked him good-naturedly: “How many times did I tell you not to play with the phone?!” LAWYERS MISTAKEN IDENTITY At a conference, a US lawyer befriended a Czech colleague and invited him to the States. The Czech’s visit started with some of the more famous sights and during the weekend the American took him to the Rocky Mountains. The two lawyers hiked all day and in the evening, after barbecuing some sausages at the campfire, crawled into their sleeping bags and fell into an exhausted sleep. At night, drawn by the lingering smell of their meal, a bear came investigating and as he did not find any sausages, he ate the Czech. His host woke up at the very last moment and saved his own life by climbing a nearby tree. He spent most of the night in the tree, waiting until the bear finally lumbered off. Panic-stricken, the American ran through the forest, until he encountered a ranger and told him his story. Together, they followed the bear’s tracks, which led them to a cave. Awakened by the human voices, out came two huge bears. “Which one ate your friend, the female, or the male?” - asked the ranger. The lawyer hesitated and then pointed at the male. The ranger shot the bear and let his mate run away. They cut open the animal’s belly, but found no traces of human remains. Which just shows you that if ever a lawyer tells you that the Czech is in the male, don’t believe him.
“Here lies Phyllis, wife of Will T. Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.” Suddenly, Murray burst into tears. A friend said: “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!” Through his tears, Murray croaked: “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!” RAT RACE A tourist wandered into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovered a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture was so interesting and unique that he picked it up and asked the shop owner what it costs. “Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” - said the shop owner, - “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.” “You can keep the story, old man,” - he replied, - “but I'll take the rat.” The transaction complete, the tourist left the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street in front of the store, two live rats emerged from a sewer drain and fell into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he began to walk faster, but every time he passed another sewer drain, more rats came out and followed him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats were at his heels and people began to point and shout. He walked even faster and soon broke into a trot as multitudes of rats swarmed from sewers, basements, vacant lots and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands were at his heels and as he saw the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panicked and started to run full tilt. No matter how fast he ran, the rats kept up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he came rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long was behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumped up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurled the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he could heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watched in amazement as the seething tide of rats surged over the breakwater into the sea, where they drowned. Shaken and mumbling, he made his way back to the antique shop. “Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,” - said the owner. “No,” - said the tourist, - “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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