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- IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT
- History’s shortest books
- FOR YOUR KIDS NO PEEKING
- ( This is the e nd of Joke One, but it has a continuation ).
- POLITE GUYS “Hello, is this 2566-342” “No, it is 2565-342.” “Sorry, wrong number.” ‘Never mind, the phone was ringing anyway.” PLACEBO
- Two of Murphy’s best Laws
- FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES UNTIL NOW ...
LENIN An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union to immigrate to Israel. When searched at the Moscow airport, customs found a bust of Lenin. Customs: “What is that?” Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!” The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, Israeli customs found the bust of Lenin. Customs: “What is that?” Old man: “What is that? Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The 'Chaleria' (disparaging sobriquet) …! I will display him in my toilet for all the years he stopped me from coming home.“ The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: “Who is that?” Old man: “Who is that? Don't say 'Who is that?' say 'What is that?' That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!”
"You need to join the Army of God!" Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi." The rabbi questioned: “How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah* and Yom Kippur*?" Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service." *Jewish holidays SUITABILITY TEST A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department was being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview said: “Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test, that you must take before you can be accepted.” Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he said: “Take this pistol, go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit.” “Why the rabbit?” - asked the man. “Great attitude,” - said the Sergeant. “When can you start?” IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT Paddy was planning to marry, he was and asked his family doctor, how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor said: "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks: "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replied: "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...’, you hit her with the shovel.” butt experT Trust the Chinese to have his wits when he's surrounded by such racists. A Chinese immigrant went hunting one day in Ontario, Canada and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home, when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Chinese. The game warden ordered the Chinese to show his hunting license and the man pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said: ”This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy?” The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its but and said: “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?” The Chinese reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said: “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license?” Again the Chinese reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and yelled at the Chinese: “Just where the hell are you from?” The Chinese smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said: ”You tell me, you are the expert.”
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” - he asked, - "it's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said: "Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen and you were born in August, ya dip stick.
Great Britain’s Best Dishes American Culture A Guide to Arab Democracy Countries where Frenchmen are Popular All that Men Know about Women Popular Lawyers’ Directory Ethiopian World Domination Schemes Kept Electoral Promises - from 487 BC to Our Days Safe Driving in Italy Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Entire Vocabulary Led Zeppelin: Our Favorite Disco Music Sylvester Stallone’s Tips for Dramatic Acting Defensive Driving Tips for the Blind Outdoor Activities in Chernobyl Contraceptive Tips for Nuns Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus Green Peace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes Human Rights organizations in Libya Guide to Neo-Nazi Jewish Friendship Centers List of Fine Wines from Iran List of Homeless Boston Debutantes List of Catholic Abortion referral services List of Women Rabbis List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops List of Libyan registered women voters Brief notes: * HEAVEN is ... when the police are British, the cooks French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it is all organized by the Swiss! HELL is ... when the police are German, the cooks British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians! * The Polish wife looked at herself in the mirror and uttered: “The son-of-the-bitch really deserves it!” * Question: “Why do Scottish bagpipers walk up and down while playing their instrument?” Answer: “It’s more difficult to hit a moving target.” * Asked the Polish wife: “After I fell asleep, did it take you long to come?” * Question: “Does a two-piece bathing suit conform to Jewish dietary laws?” Answer: “Yes, as the dairy part is completely separate from the meaty one.” * Question: “In Scotland, how does a policeman go about dispersing a crowd?” Answer: “He takes off his cap and starts a collection.” * Question: “When abroad, how does a Scotsman manage to conceal his identity?” Answer: “He tips the bell-boy at the hotel.” * Question: “How does a Jewish couple do it ‘doggie style?’” Answer: “He sits up and begs; she lays down and plays dead.” FOR YOUR KIDS NO PEEKING A man, who had lost an eye in an accident, used to put his glass eye in a cup on his bedside table at night. Once, when he was very thirsty, he mistakenly drank from the cup containing his eye and swallowed it. The next day he went to his physician, complaining about an awful bellyache. The good doctor decided to give him an enema and as he stood there administering it, he suddenly exclaimed: “Oh my God! In all my 25 years in practice, I have looked at many an ass, but this is the first time that an ass has looked back at me.” EASY BET
DOUBTING THOMASES Jim’s friends knew that even though he is a good pal, ever ready to extend a helping hand to those in need, hygiene is not his forte. So, when they received invitations for the premier of a new drama, Jim was told that he could come only if he promised to wear clean socks. Opening night came around and the well-dressed crowd trooped into the theater. As the friends took their seats, an awful stench was felt. They all looked accusingly at Jim and asked: “But you promised...?” “I did change my socks,” - said the man, - “but I knew you would not believe me. So, I brought the evidence with me!” With that, he pulled a pair of dirty socks out of his pocket and raised them for all to see.
“This is my coffee and I spit in it!” When he finished the phone conversation and returned to his table, he found that somebody had added a further line to his note, saying: “Me too!” When asked by somebody, who does not really give a damn about my well-being, how I am, I always tell him the joke. SO FAR, SO GOOD A man jumped off the top floor of the World Trade building. As he was plunging past the 70th floor, somebody stuck his head out one of the windows and asked the falling man: “Hey man, how are you?” “So far, so good!” - came the answer.
The building was high and the fall long. While the man was descending, a crowd gathered below. Luckily enough, our man fell into a bush and nothing worse happened to him, than a few insignificant scratches. Just when he got up and brushed himself off, a policeman arrived and asked him: “What the hell is happening here?” “I don’t know,” - answered the man. “I just got here.” POLITE GUYS “Hello, is this 2566-342?” “No, it is 2565-342.” “Sorry, wrong number.” ‘Never mind, the phone was ringing anyway.” PLACEBO “I tried to use gum instead of cigarettes.” “And with what results?” “None whatsoever. Gum smells like hell when you light up.”
“Thank you,” - answered the hardened criminal, - “but I always work alone.” DYSLEXIA A blind man came into the carpentry workshop. He felt the wood file with his fingers and exclaimed: “Who wrote such a lot of nonsense?” Two of Murphy’s best Laws: “Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.” “The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood you are standing in the wrong line.” Questions and Answers: * Question: “Whose skeleton is it over there in the bushes?” Answer: “Probably that of last years’ winner in the hide-and-seek competition.” * Question: “What do you get if you cross cars with strawberries?” Answer: “Traffic jam.” Famous last sentences: “Tom, throw me the hammer.” “Have no fear! The ice is quite thick.” “What could be the purpose of this button here?’ “Nonsense my dear, there are no sharks in these waters.” “Somebody is going to get hurt doing that.” “Look how cute these porpoises are!” Patient in hospital: “I’m feeling much better.” Biologist: “This type of snake isn’t poisonous.” Captain: “This ship is unsinkable.” Bicyclist: “Look, no hands!” Jack-of-all-trades: “This shelf should hold.” Inventor: “Let’s try it!” Computer: “Are you sure? (Y/N).” Prehistoric man: “I wonder what is in that cave?” Guest in restaurant: “I chose the fried mushrooms.” Electrician: “Of course I removed the fuse.” Watchman: “Is anybody there?” Policeman: “This was his 6th shot. His gun must be empty.” Animal-tamer: “These lions have been fed.”
“Some children are just naturally lazy and start speaking at a later age.” Two years passed and the child, though otherwise a perfectly ordinary infant, continued with his vow of silence. His worried parents took him to see some specialists, first locally and then abroad, but all the doctors gave their offspring a clean bill of health and found no physical reasons for his continued silence. For their son’s fourth birthday, his mother prepared a festive dinner with all his favorite dishes. The boy had a healthy appetite and ate his way silently through all the courses, until the last one. Then suddenly, he said: “This pudding is inedible!” Both parents were dumbfounded. It was the mother who first spoke up: “Sweetheart, you can talk! Why didn’t you speak sooner?” “Until now, everything was just fine” - replied the child.
“Did God make you, Grandpa?” “Yes, God made me,” - the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him: “Did God make me too?” “Yes, He did,” - the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up: “You know, Grandpa,” - she said, - “God's doing a lot better job lately.”
“Why do you want cider?” - asked Mom. “To take the pain away,” - sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. “It doesn't work!” - she yelled. “What do you mean?” - asked Mom. “Well,” - sniffed the little girl, - “I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider!”
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged for diner and even then, quickly cleaned his plate, went straight back to his room and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued until the first quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card, laid it on the table and went straight to his room. Apprehensively, his mother opened it and saw to her amazement a red “A” under the subject of MATH. Overjoyed at this remarkable progress, the parents rushed into their son's room “Was it the nuns who did it?” - the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said: “No.” “Was it the teachers? The peer-mentoring?” “No.” “The textbooks? The curriculum?” “Nope,” - said the son. “The very first day, when I walked in through the front door and saw that guy nailed to the 'plus sign', I knew they meant business!”
“How old are you?” Mommy said: “Honey, you'll learn later on in life that women don't talk about their age.” The girl then asked: “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” Mommy said: “That's another thing women don't talk about.”. The girl, still wanting to know about her mother asked: “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” Mommy said: “Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much and I don't want to talk about it now.” The little girl was frustrated. She told her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said: “All you have to do is to sneak a look at your mother's driver’s license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.” The little girl and her mother were shopping again. The girl said: “Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.” Mommy was very surprised. She asked: “Sweetheart, how did you do that?” The girl shrugged and said: “I just know and I also know that you weigh 120 pounds.” The mother was flabbergasted. She asked: “Where did you learn all that???” The little girl said: “I just know that's all and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ' F ' in sex.” GOOD REASON The kindhearted teacher saw Moishe’le wailing bitterly in the corridor. “Why are you crying Moishe’le?” - she asked. “The headmaster fell down the stairs.” “But that is no reason to cry. Nothing happened to him.” “Yes, but everybody saw it except for me!”
“If any of you has to go to the bathroom, you should hold up two fingers.” After a moment of quiet thought, one little boy asked: “And how will that help?” ANIMAL LOVER The young father had made up his mind to always tell his offspring the truth. Therefore, during a walk on the beach when they saw a couple of dogs mating and his son asked what they were doing, embarrassed though he was, he answered: “Little puppies.” The next morning the boy opened his parents’ door just when they were having sex. Again he asked: “What are you doing?” Again his father truthfully answered: “A little brother for you.” “Daddy, can’t you turn Mummy over? I would much prefer getting a puppy.”
“Mummy why is that woman in a white dress?” “The bride is wearing a white dress, because this is the happiest day of her life and white is the color of happiness.” The child reflects for a while on his mother’s answer and then asks again: “Then why is the bridegroom in black?”
“Hi Moishe’le, tell me, where is your father?” “In the attic with the firemen,” - whispered Moishe’le. “And your mother?” “In the cellar with the policemen,” - whispered Moishe’le in an even quieter voice. “And your sister?” “In the garden with the soldiers.” “What the heck is happening at your place. What are they all doing?” “Searching for me.”
“We want to marry,” - declared Lance decisively. “That’s nice,” - said the father, - “but shouldn’t you wait for a while? After all, you are so young. And anyway, how are going to pay the bills?” “Oh, we discussed that, “ - answered Lance. “We shall pool our pocket money and in winter clear away the snow for the neighbors. We will manage very nicely.” “And what will you do when you have a baby?” - asked Mrs. Brown. Lance raised his eyes to his mother: “So far we've been lucky!”
“What's so funny Pat?” - demanded the teacher. “I just saw one of your garters, teacher” - answered the boy. “Get out of my classroom,” - she yelled. “I don't want to see you for three days.” The teacher went back to writing the assignment. Realizing she had forgotten to title it, she reached to the very top of the blackboard. Suddenly there was an even louder giggle from another student. Again she turned and asked: “What's so funny Billy?” “Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yelled: “Get out!” This time the punishment was even more severe. “I don't want to see you for a week.” Embarrassed and frustrated, when she returned to finishing the assignment, she dropped the eraser. As she bent over to pick it up, she saw, that Moishe’le, who sat in the first row, stood up, collected his things and started to leave the class. “And where do you think you are going?” - asked the teacher. “Well teacher, from what I just saw,” - answered Moishe’le - “ my school days are probably over.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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