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- GAY LIBERATION FRONT DUTY ROSTER
- CLOSE FIT “When I get home, I’ll rip off my wife’s undies.” “Why, are you that horny” “No, they just feel too tight.” IDENTITY CRISIS
- GENIES, JINNS AND FAIRIES NEIGHBORLY GUY
- GHOST STORIES SPELLING ERROR
ONLY THE TRUTH, ALWAYS Little Tony was 6 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while, when he came into the house and asked her: “Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?” She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth: “It's called sexual intercourse, darling.” Little Tony said: “Oh, OK,” - and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.”
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say: "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked: "Really small, was it?" Sally replied: “No, salty.” Brief ones: * It was the Holiday Season and the streets were full of shoppers. In the throng a child lost his mother. He was a big boy and did not cry, but went about asking the passersby: “Excuse me! Have you seen a mother without a boy looking like me?” * Said the three-year old kindergarten boy, when he saw a girl without panties for the first time in his life: “How practical! Completely built-in.”
The man was as happy as any red-blooded male would have been in his place. He had six young females for his sole enjoyment, with no competition in sight. Still, things seldom are as they seem to be and after a year he was completely fed up with his role of resident stud. So much so, that had it been possible, he would have practiced abstinence for the rest of his life. Such was the situation, when one day another ship happened to sink near the island. All the inhabitants of the small island were on the beach, ready to help any survivors, but only one person was seen fighting the waves bravely. With the help of a rope thrown to him, the survivor reached safety. It then became apparent that he was a young athletic man. Joyfully, the man on the island took aside the new arrival and whispered to him: “Welcome to Paradise. We shall have the time of our life. Each of us will service three women and spend the other four days of the week fishing, swimming, or just plain relaxing.” “I regret that I cannot be of assistance,” - said the young man, - “I am a member of the Gay Liberation Front.” Dejected our man thought to himself: “Damn, there goes my free Saturday night!”
“Tell me sir, was your father also gay?” “Yes, he was.” “And your grandfather?” “He too.” “And your uncle?” “Yes, of course. it is a tradition with us.” “So is there nobody in your family who likes pussy?” “Actually there is. My sister.”
“I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.” She answered” “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.” “Well....I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me passionately.” She responded: “Well, let's see what we can do about that: *1, you have to be single and *2, you must be Catholic.” The cab driver was very excited and said: “Yes, I'm single and Catholic too!!” The nun said:, “OK, pull into the next alley.” He did and the nun fulfilled his fantasy. But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying. “My dear child,” – said the nun, – “why are you crying?” “Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied and must confess. I'm married and Jewish.” The nun said: “That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.” FAIRY TALE Two pillars of the gay community passed the time of day on Washington Bridge, just watching the empty beer cans bobbing up and down in the dirty water. Suddenly, one of them pointed: “Look at that ferry-boat!” His surprised companion said: “I didn’t know we have a Navy?” INNOCENT PASSERBY A man, with a scratched face and torn clothing, came limping into the police station. He complained that the previous evening, while taking a stroll in Central Park, two men jumped him, raped him and for good measure, beat him up too. The police sergeant looked him over curiously and asked: “But you are a strong, young man. Why didn’t run away?” “Have you ever tried running in high-heels?”
“Why, are you that horny?” “No, they just feel too tight.”
"Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said: "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked: "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." NOT HIS DAY While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against it. Seeing this, he inquired: "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," - the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man said: "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys and then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked: "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said: "This just ain't gonna be your day." MAID SERVICE A lesbian went to a gynecologist and the gynecologist said: “I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages.” “Thanks,” - said the lesbian. “I have a woman in three times a week.”
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" BIRTHDAY PRESENT There was this guy whose next door neighbors were a lesbian couple. They were very nice ladies and they became quite good friends with the guy. When they learned, that his birthday was approaching, they asked him what he would like for a present. “I wanna watch!” – said the guy. Sure enough, on his birthday the couple presented him with a Rolex. GENIES, JINNS AND FAIRIES NEIGHBORLY GUY While plowing the land, the cheapskate farmer found an ancient jug in the earth. Driven by curiosity, he opened it and out came a genie, jailed inside the jug 10,000 years ago. The thankful spirit told the farmer that he would grant any wish of his, with one precondition: “Your neighbor will get double of anything that you get!” This was one tough decision for the farmer. He thought for a while and then said: “I wish you would remove one of my balls.” THREE GIFTS Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. “I can't grant your wishes,” - explained the freed spirit, - “but I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: A potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts.” When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered. “Yes,” - she replied. “It's been an unusual day. At 2 PM a 55-gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight.” Remember the DDR, the East German Republic? And remember Erich Honneker, the greatly hated leader of this now defunct state? He played an important part in many a joke, recounted with relish, in those not-so-long-ago days in Eastern Europe. ALWAYS ON THE CALL Shortly before retiring for the night, Brezhnev was having a few drinks of vodka, when suddenly a genie appeared at his bedside. Before the astonished Communist leader could summon his guards, the apparition declared: “Do not fear mortal! I am here to fulfill three of your wishes.” Brezhnev did not really believe in spirits, but played along and to test the apparition’s credibility, wished that his bed would turn into a waterbed. Even before he finished speaking, his heavy body was immersed in the soft contours of the latest in waterbed models from California. His second wish was to convert his Kremlin bedroom, into an American-style suite. No sooner was his wish uttered, than it became a reality and he found himself in a luxurious, air conditioned apartment, complete with a well-equipped bar, TV wall, stereo, exercise-bicycle, etc. Brezhnev did not have to think long. His last wish was to have a nubile, voluptuous maiden at his side on the bed. As he saw the curvaceous form, languorously reclining on the pillow next to him, he could not help himself, but sighing out loudly: “Now all I need is a good schmuck!” Just as he finished his words, a knock sounded and Erich Honneker appeared at the door: “Did you call, Boss?” TALL ORDER A farmer was plowing his field when his plow struck a hard object. He bent down to see what it was and saw that it was a very old looking earthen jug. His curiosity aroused, he opened the heavily sealed stopper and out came a spirit with a big whoosh, 10 meters tall, bearded, turbaned, looking for all purposes like a Turkish pasha. The genie sighed, stretched luxuriously and then folding his arms on his chest bowed to the fearful farmer and in a deep rumbling voice vocalized: “Don’t be afraid. I have been locked in this bottle for 10,000 years and am indebted to you, mortal being, for setting me free. I am yours to serve and will fulfill any wish you may have.” The farmer thought for a while and then said: “It would benefit me and my family and also the country, if I could have an oil well in my courtyard.” The genie looked embarrassed: “Take pity on me! I am only a minor spirit and out of practice at that. Cannot you wish for something easier?” The farmer deliberated again and finally replied: “I am married for 20 years to a Polish woman and I never had good sex with her. Could you grant me just one enjoyable, satisfying night with her?” The spirit was dumbfounded by this request. He scratched his head and then said: “Maybe I’ll try my hand with the oil well after all.”
A husband and wife played golf at a posh golf club. Stately homes were lined up on both sides of the golf course. It was the wife’s turn, she hit the ball and with a spectacular arch it landed directly in the enormous picture window of the nearby mansion. A loud crash ensued; the glass broke into a million pieces and then quiet resumed. The couple ran over to the house, called through the broken window, but nobody answered. They looked into the room and saw a turbaned man sitting on a couch. “Do you live here?” - asked the wife. “Oh no. Just now somebody threw a stone, which broke that vase yonder and I was finally freed.” “So you are a jinn?” “Yes and to show you how grateful I am for releasing me, I’ll fulfill two of your wishes. I would like to keep the third wish for myself.” After a whispered consultation the couple asked first that the husband would become the world’s best professional golf-player and secondly that they would have a million dollar yearly income. The jinn nodded and said: “Consider it done,” - then turned to the husband - “and as for my wish, I want to sleep with your wife. I wasn’t with a woman for a thousand years and after all I just turned you into the best golfer of the world and a millionaire.” The couple saw reason in the jinn’s arguments and agreed. The two retired into one of the bedrooms and when all was over, the jinn asked: “My dear, how long have you been married?” “For three years.” “And since when do you believe in jinn tales?” JEWISH GENIE An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He was crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand and discovered that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top and out popped a genie. But this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic rabbi, complete with black capote coat, black hat, side curls, etc. “Well, kid,” - said the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “I’m not going to trust you,” said the Arab. “I’m not going to trust a Jewish genie!” “What do you have to lose? It looks like you’re a goner anyway!” The Arab thought about this for a minute and decided that the genie was right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” *POOF* The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, what’s your second wish?” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
“OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab said: “I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women.” *POOF* The Arab was turned into a Tampax. The moral of the story is: If you do business with a Jewish genie, there’s going to be a string attached.
“Well, now,” - said the old lady, - “I guess I would like to be really rich.” *POOF* —her rocking chair turned to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” *POOF* —she turned into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” - asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them. “Ooh—can you change him into a handsome prince?” - she asked. *POOF* —there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.” THE TINY PIANIST A man walked into a bar with a paper bag. He sat down and placed the bag on the counter. The bartender walked up and asks what's in the bag. The man reached into the bag and pulled out a little man, about one foot high and set him on the counter. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reached into the bag once again and pulled out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sat down at the piano and started playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" - said the bartender. The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulled out a magic lamp. He handed it to the bartender and said: "Here, Rub it." So the bartender rubbed the lamp and suddenly there was a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie was standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish -- each person is only allowed one!" The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said: "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walked into the bar. It was soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar was filled with ducks and they kept coming! The bartender turned to the man and quite angrily said: "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Tell me about it!!" - said the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?" THE OSTRICH A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asked them for their orders. The man said: "A hamburger, fries and a coke" - and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," - said the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returned with the order: "That will be $9.40 please," - and the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact
"A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich said: "I'll have the same." Again the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became routine, until the two entered again. "The usual?" asked the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad. Shortly the waitress brought the order and said: "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table. The waitress couldn't hold back her curiosity any longer: "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," - said the man, - "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars, or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," - said the man. The waitress asked: "So, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighed, paused and answered: "My second wish was for a tall chick with big breasts and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
“Good Heavens, man, you almost shook us out of our shoes. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing here in the middle of night?” “The fools,” – mumbled the old gent half loudly, – “they misspelled my name!”
“How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raised their hands. “Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raised their hands. “That's really good. I'm glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raised their hands. “That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raised their hands. “That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student way in the back raised his hand. The professor was astonished. He took off his glasses, took a step back and said: “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin and began to make his way up to the podium. As he ambled slowly toward the podium the professor said: “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replied: “Ghost?!? Shiiiiiit..... From way back there I thought you said ‘goats’.” quick CURE A man was returning home late at night. As always he had to cross a cemetery and as always he was terrified. Suddenly, a few steps in front of him he saw another man walking. With a few rapid strides he caught up with him and said: “What a relief to meet another guy! I was scared stiff to walk alone through the cemetery.” “I used to be afraid too when I was alive.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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