Avri robert shacham joke categories
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- Trying to be un CONSPICOUS
- THE HASSID AND THE BLONDE
tIPping Abe, an old Jewish guy, was a yarn merchant. He lived next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite called up Abe and said: “Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I want it delivered tomorrow.” Abe said: “OK.” The next morning the anti-Semite was awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He ran outside to see a row of trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckload after truckload of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard was a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presented a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy started yelling and screaming at Abe: “What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?” Straight-faced, Abe replied: “I'm very careful when I deal with people like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount, but the tip of my penis is in Poland.”
“Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answered: “Ten pounds.” The bartender was puzzled, concerned: “Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth.” The Texas father took a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and proudly said: “Had him circumcised.”
“Operator, giff me beck the party!” She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again.” He said: “What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party.” She said: “I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again.” He said: “Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!” - and hung up. Two days later he opened the door and there were two big, strapping guys standing there who said: “We came to take your telephone out.” He said: “Vy?” They said: “Because two days ago you insulted operator 28, but if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here.” He said: “Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?” He went to the telephone and dialed: “Hello? Get me operator 28! Hello, operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?” She said: “Yes?” He said: “Vell, Get ready - dey're bringin' it to ya!” SPORTING On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me. I have in me Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman said: “Very sporting of your mother.” Trying to be unCONSPICOUS A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked: “How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?” The old man looked around and lowered his voice: “I'll tell you, Rabbi,” – he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me and I don't want to remind Him!” STRANDED Morris & Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, were on an airplane flying to the Far East when over the public address system the Captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen! I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on the maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later, thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane landed safely on the island, whereupon Morris turned to his wife and asked: "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" "No, Morris," – she responded. Morris smiled, then asked: "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?" "Oy, no I forgot to send the check!" Now Morris laughed. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy, forgive me Morris, I forgot that one too!" Now Morris was practically choking with laughter. Esther asked Morris: "So what are you smiling and laughing about?" Morris responded: "They'll find us."
"Pincus," - Yacov said, - "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black. We need new suits and this time we want black suits, from the darkest cloth there is." Pincus reached behind for a bolt of cloth and he said: "See this cloth? It is from this fabric that I make the habits for the nuns. In all the world," - Pincus said, fingering the bolt of fabric, - "there is no blacker cloth than the cloth I make nun's habits from and it is from this cloth that I'll make your new suits!" A few weeks later the two Hasidic Jews were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, on a whim, one of the men went up to one of the nuns. He grabbed her sleeve and held it up against his own. Then, in an angry voice, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked on. "What did that man want?" - one nun asked the other. "I don't know," - she replied. "He looked at my garment, said something in Latin and left." "In Latin?" - asked the first nun. "What did he say?" He said, - "Marcus, Pincus fuctus."
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" Hymie hat sich gemacht nit vissen dik (didn't answer). Yossi asked again: “Sir, what time is it?" Hymie still did not answer. "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really need to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?" Hymie turned his head and said: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you'll want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?" BACON TREE Back in the Wild West, a wagon train was lost and very low on food and they had seen no other people for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said: "We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," – the old Jewish man said, – "I vould definitely NOT go over dat hill. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree. " bacon tree!!!!?" – asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie." The leader went back and told his people what the Jewish man had told him. "So why did he say not to go there?" – some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know the Jewish folks – they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side. About an hour later the leader of the wagon train returned, disheveled and wounded, to where the old Jewish man was sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man started shouting: "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me." The Jewish man held up his hand and said: "Oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He got out an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it. "Oh mine Gott, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree....”Are you ready for this???? "I mant to say it vuz a ham bush!"
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" - her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!" The Brit immediately reached into his pocket and said: "For the sake of St. Paul, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bent over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blew up to show that she was wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" She replied: "I can't afford any on the money you give me!" He reached into his pocket and said: "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bent over. The wind also took her skirt over her head to reveal that she too was naked under it. "Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?" She too explained: "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!" The Scot reached into his pocket and said: "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scotsman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
“This fellow doesn't look like a peasant and if he isn't a peasant, he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.” At this point the scholar turned to the young man and said: "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?" "Very well, thank you, sir." - answered the startled passenger. “But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," - replied the Talmudist, - "it was obvious."
"S' cuse me", - said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, - "what was that all about?" "Nothin', - said the Irishman, - "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," - replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" - said the Irishman.
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!”
"Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," - said the priest. The trooper said: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looked at the bottle and said: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"Please Lord," - he implored, "let it be blood!!"
"What are all those little black things out there?" "They're buoys," - said the Aussie. "Boys!" - replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark nets," - the Aussie told him. "Great country this!" - said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"
"Hi" - she said. "Hullo" - he answered. "I have a confession to make to you," - she said. He nodded. "I have a sexual fantasy". He nodded. "I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard and play with his payiss. In fact I want you now and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?" He looked at her thoughtfully and said: "And what's in it for me?" AFRICAN ROULETTE An African leader made an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader told the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whipped out a revolver, loaded one chamber, gave the cylinder spin, put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. ..CLICK...empty chamber. He handed the revolver to his African guest and said: "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeated the ritual. ..CLICK...empty. The next year, the Russian visited the African country. At the end of the trip, the African told his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappeared through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and said: "Your turn." The African escorted the Russian through the door. In the room were six of the most beautiful women he has ever seen, stark naked. The African explained that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asked: "What kind of test of courage is this?" "One of them is a cannibal."
The next day the American read his story before the class: “Yesterday I drove my pink Cadillac to a green football field and ate a yellow banana.” The Englishman’s story went like that: “Yesterday I had green tea in a yellow cup and ate a pink cake.” The last was the Indian to recite his composition: “Yesterday I came home and heard the phone green green so I pinked it up and said yellow.”
"I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order as soon as possible." O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He then told his friends: "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!". O'Malley then replied: "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I am gone." MISSION RESPONSE The British in relation to recent bombings have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'. Security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Meanwhile, the French government has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Neighbor, Italy has increased its alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides". The Germans also increased their alert level from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". Two higher levels remain: "invade Poland" and "lose" Editors note: An increase in Germany to the highest alert level would of course require a rewrite of the traditional English folk song "Two world wars and one World Cup do dah do dah".
"How's the pollen thing going, Bobby?" Terrible, just terrible ,Vern!" - moaned the second bee. "I haven't collected any pollen all morning. I'm a failure." "No you're not," - the first bee responded sympathetically. "Look, I've got just the thing, Bobby. Go down to the last house on this street. They're Jewish; they're having a bar mitzvah and the house is filled with flowers. More pollen than you've ever seen." Later that same day the bees met at the hive. The first bee said: "So, Bobby, how did it go this afternoon?" "Great, Vern! Just great!" - enthused the second bee. "I scored so much pollen at that Jewish affair you told me about that I had to make three trips to the hive just to get it all in the door". "Nifty, Bob, but, uh, what's that thing on your head?" - asked the first bee. "Something called a yarmulke, I think," - the second bee replied confidentially. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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