Avri robert shacham joke categories

"I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this

"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

 INDIAN
Mujibar was trying to get into Australia legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said:

"Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar said:

"I am ready."

"Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said:

"Mister Officer, I am ready."

The Officer said:

"Go ahead."

Mujibar said:

"The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at Telstra on the Help Desk.
 PARKING PLACE
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said:

"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said:

"Never mind, I found one."
 GROUP FARE
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said:

"I do Father."

The priest said:

"Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man:

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," - was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked:

"Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

"No, I don't Father”.

The priest said:

"I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said:

"Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," - he told the priest.

"I understand my son," - said the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

"Did you see the paper?" - asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" - replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
SIGHT TEST
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

  "Can you read this?" - the optician asked.

  "Read it?" - the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
THE CLEVER MATHEMATICIAN
A recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passed a little math test.

"Here's your first question," - the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" - the Italian said. "Dat is easy."

And he proceeded to draw three trees.

"What's this?" - the boss asked.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," - said the Italian.

"Fair enough," - said the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stared into space for a while, then picked up the picture he has just drawn and made a smudge on each tree.

"Ere you go."

The boss scratched his head and said:

"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian man stared into space some more, then picked up the picture again, made a little mark at the base of each tree and said,

"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looked at the attempt.

"You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leaned forward, pointed to the marks at the base of each tree and said:

"A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
JEWISH FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town near Poulsbo, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said;

"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department which could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer, sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief:

"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," - said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da first thing ve gonna do is, fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

"Chief, you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological

The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued:

"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes,

No debt,

Plenty buffalo,

Plenty beaver,

Women did all the work,

Medicine man free,

Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled:

"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

"What happened to you?" - asked Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," - said Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," - said Sean, - "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," - said Paddy, - "a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," - said Sean, - "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," - said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
BRITISH GENEROSITY
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.

 Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

 The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

 The rest of the world is in shock.

 The United States is sending troops to help.

 Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

 Latin American countries are sending supplies.

 New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

 The rest of the European community (except France) is sending money.

 The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

 Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

The Brits, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis!

God Bless British generosity.
THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch
time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
but never take a pretzel.

This went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to

"Oh man ... I've been transferred to Michigan," - the other guy answered. "There are crazy people in Michigan and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate ..."

"Hold on," - Chuck interrupted, - "I've lived in Michigan all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school -- and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said:

"Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" - said Chuck. "Oh, nothing special. I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Dearborn."

"So," - said the cop to the driver, - where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," - slurred the drunk.

"Well," said the cop, - "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," - the drunk said with a smile.

"Did you know," - said the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, - "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," - sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

POLISH
A man walked into a store and asked the clerk:

"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looked at him and said:

"Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) said:

"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?  Would you?"

The clerk said:

"Well, no!"

"Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied:

"Because you're at Home Depot."

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
MOSES NEGOTIATES THE COMMANDMENTS
The Hebrew people were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling down. In spite of the warm weather, this caused a shudder among the waiting mass. The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy load. It was Moses.

Moses set down his load and raised his hands:

"Friends," - he said. "Friends, it was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible argument, every trick I could think of and I think I was successful. The good news is: I brought him down from 15 to 10. The bad news is: Adultery is still in."

NUNS
An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table there were 3 nuns discussing where to go for a vacation. The 2nd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to Jerusalem."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 3rd nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to New York ."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The 2nd nun spoke again and said:

"Let's go to Los Angeles."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The little Jewish old lady leaned over and said with a Yiddish Accent:

"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

"Look," - said Abe, - "don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend……

"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."  

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked:

"What kind of bra?"

He repeated:

"A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," - said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.  Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asked:

"So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded:

"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said:  

"Hmmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

A Jewish bra," - she replied, - "makes mountains out of molehills."

Patrick was very pleased to see her - he had known her when they were teenagers - and asked her to the Inn for a coffee. He returned to Ballydinkum several times to see Rosemary and eventually persuaded her to go with him on a picnic to a little lake not far from Ballydinkum - a lovely secluded place. (He borrowed McCafferty's van for the occasion).

It was a romantic setting and although Patrick's advances were initially gently resisted, eventually they made love beside the lake. Later, Rosemary was quietly weeping:

"I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter Patty tonight, Patrick" - she said - "after I've sinned twice this afternoon".

"We only did it once Rosemary" - Patrick replied.

And Rosemary gave a happy little sigh and said:

"Well, we ARE going to do it again, aren't we?"

PROBABLY TRUE TOO
A Somali arrived in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stopped the first person he saw walking down the street and said:

“Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!”

The passerby said:

“You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”

The man went on and encountered another passerby.

“Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!”

The person said:

“I not American, I am a Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walked further and stopped the next person he saw, shook his hand and said:

“Thank you for the wonderful America!”

That person put up his hand and said:

“I am from the Middle East, I am not an American!'

Finally he saw a nice lady and asked:

“Are you an American?”

She said:

“No, I am from Africa!”

Puzzled, he asked her:

“Where are all the Americans?”

The African lady checked her watch and said:

“Probably at work!”

"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"

"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"
THE LUCKY ONE
Rivka went to her rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi," - she said - "Both Abe and Sol are in love with me. Both want to marry

The rabbi looked at her and replied:

"Abe will marry you and Sol will be the lucky one."
AHMED AND HAMID
Ahmed and Hamid were both beggars at several traffic lights in Sydney. Ahmed drove a Mercedes, lived in a mortgage-free house and had a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brought in 2 to 3 dollars a day. One day Hamid asked Ahmed how he managed to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day. Ahmed said:

“Look at your sign. It says, ‘I have no work, a wife and six kids to support’. Aussies who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family, whether they give you money or not! Now look at my sign!”

So Hamid looked and Ahmed's sign read:

“I only need another $100 to move back to Lebanon!” 

"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy said:

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"

The manager replied:

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" - asked Murphy.

The manager replied:

"Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
TIE
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked:

“Do you have water?”

The Jewish man replied:

“I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban shouted:

“Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie; I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.”

“OK,” - said the old Jewish man, - “it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.”

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.

“Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie.”
sales campAIGN
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read:

“FREE SEX WITH FILL-UP”

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8 and the proprietor said:

“You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again, he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.

“Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy:

“I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.”

Paddy replied:

“No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.”

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” - the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was:

“NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered:

“NO!”

“Then how can I get into heaven?”

A six year-old boy shouted out:

“YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."