Avri robert shacham joke categories

“Is God male or female?”

After thinking a moment, his mother responded:

“Well, God is both male and female.”

This confused the little boy, so he asked:

“Is God black or white?”

“Well, God is both black and white.”

This confused the boy even more, so he asked:

“Is God gay or straight?”

Now it was the mother who was getting concerned, but she answered anyway:

“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

At this, the boy's face lighted up with understanding and he triumphantly asked:

“Is God Michael Jackson?”
HE HAS A POINT
On returning from kindergarten, the little boy polished off a big portion of chocolate cake his grandmother served him, and declared with great satisfaction:

“When I grow up, I shall marry Granny.”

“You cannot marry Granny,” - objected his father. “She is my mother!”

“Didn’t you marry my mother?”

“Look at that dame,” - said one. “Let’s go and screw her.”

“All right,” - replied the other, - “but first we have to find a grown-up to take us across the road.”
PANACEA
A child to his mother:

“Mummy, can you buy me a tampon?”

“Why on the Earth do you need a tampon?” - wondered the mother.

“I read in the newspaper that you can do everything with a tampon, swim, play tennis and even ride a horse.”

“$10 will be enough. You shouldn’t pay more than the rest of them.”

“There are four birds on a tree. A naughty child throws a stone at the tree and hits one bird. How many birds are left on the tree?”

“Three birds,” - shouted Moishe’le, happy that for once he knew the answer.

“There is a certain logic in your reply,” - said the teacher, - “but the correct answer is: None! The remaining birds were frightened and flew away.”

Moishe’le was quite mad for being taken in by such a simple question and asked the teacher if he may pose a riddle too. With her pupil’s reputation, the teacher was none too happy about the idea, but being a fair person, let him continue.

“On a hot, summer day, three women each have a cone of ice cream. One of them licks the ice cream, the other sucks it and the third just eats it up. Which of the women is married?”

The teacher felt trapped, but hazarded a reply:

“It seems probable, that the one who sucks the ice cream.”

“The correct answer is: The one, with a ring on her finger,” - said Moishe’le gleefully, - “but your answer has a certain logic to it.”
ABNORMAL FAMILY
Like every developing boy, Moishe’le was curious about the facts of life and kept pestering his parents with questions. One day he asked his father:

“Daddy, how did I come into the world?”

Like most parents, the father thought, that his son is too young to learn the real facts of life, so he responded:

“The stork brought you, my son!”

“How could the stork get into the house?” - wondered the child.

“Through the chimney of course.”

“And how did you come into the world?” - asked the boy.

“I too was brought by a stork.”

“And how about grandpa?”

“He too was brought by a stork.”

Moishe’le seemed to be very unhappy with this state of affairs. He scratched his head and uttered half loudly:

“There is definitely something wrong with this family. For three generations nobody was screwing!”

“There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know that?” - his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” - he replied. “I think it's printed on the bottom.”

“You know what, Billy boy, look out through the window and I shall give you a penny for every man in a top hat that you see on the street.”

The child liked the game, ran to the living-room window and while he was watching the scene below, his parents were busily consummating their marriage. Soon the boy’s voice was heard from the other room:

“Daddy, I see a man in a top hat.”

“Excellent, you earned yourself a penny,” - shouted the father and went on banging away.

“Two men wearing top hats came out of a house.”

“All right son, I owe you three pennies.”

Suddenly the boy yelled exultantly:

“Poppy, this fuck will cost you plenty! A funeral procession is coming around the corner.”
AFTERNOON QUICKIE
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 

- “There's a car being towed from the parking lot,” - he shouted.

 - “An ambulance just drove by!”

 - “Looks like the Andersons have company,” - he called out.

 - “Matt's riding a new bike!”

 - “Looks like the Sanders are moving!”

 - “Jason is on his skate board!”

 After a few moments he announced:

- “The Coopers are screwing!!”

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out:

- “How do you know they're screwing?”

- “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”

“Isn’t it obvious? Those with the small ones are stupid and those with the big ones are smart. Now off you go. Build a sand castle, or something.”

Half an hour later, the father asked his son:

“Have you seen where your Mother has gone?”

“She is there, behind those bushes,” - replied the boy, “talking to a stupid guy, who is getting smarter by the minute.”
RODEO
Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed:

“Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agreed. Johnny hopped on and daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. Johnny cried out:

“Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”

“Susan,” - she said, - “you didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place!”

“I thought he wouldn't need them,” - explained Susan. “Daddy says he always eats like a horse.”
PLAYING MOMMY AND DADDY
As soon as ten-year-old Tommy came home from school, he rushed to the fridge and was getting out the ice cream when his mother entered the kitchen.

“ You shouldn't have ice cream now, Tommy” - she said. “You won't be able to eat dinner. Go and play with your friends.”

“But there's no one outside” - whined the boy.

“OK, then I'll play with you. What do you want to play?”

“I wanna play Mommy and Daddy” - said the child.

Trying not to sound surprised, his mother replied:

“Fine, let's play. What shall I do?”

“Lie down in the bedroom.”

Feeling a little apprehensive, but confident that she would be able to control any problem, the mother went upstairs. Cockily, Tommy strutted to the entrance hall, opened the closet and donned an old hat he found there. On his way upstairs, he noticed one of his fathers' pipes on a table. He stuck it in his mouth and went to the bedroom doorway. Mom asked:

“What do I do now?”

In a surly voice, Tommy uttered:

“Get your ass downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!”

“Yeah, she's home,” - the boy said, scooting over to let him past.

The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said:

“I thought you said your mother was home.”

The kid replied:

“She is, but this isn't where I live.”

“Of course you are bleeding! Someone has cut off your penis.”

“Hello, who is speaking?”

“My … Dad!” - came the shaky answer.
A SERIOUS QUESTION
At Hebrew School, the rabbi finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

“Rabbi” - asked little Melvin, - “there's something I need to know.”

“What's that my child?” - asked the rabbi.

“Well, according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”

“Right.”

“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”

“Uh ... right.”

“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”

“Again you are correct.”

“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”

“All that is correct,” - agreed the rabbi. “So what's your question?”

“What I need to know is this,” - demanded Melvin. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”

“Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!”

“I've been circumcised.”

“What's that mean?”

“It means they cut the skin off the end.”

“How old were you when it was cut off?”

“My mom said I was eight days old.”

“Did it hurt?”

“You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!”
TATTLER
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said:

“Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ....”

The mother held up her hand and said:

“Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me.”

The father came home and the wife told him that she's leaving him.

“But why?” - croaked the husband.

“Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me.”

“Well,” - said little Johnny, - “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob – remember?”

“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” - she asked.

“They're mating,” - her father replied.

“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” - she asked.

“That's a daddy longlegs” - her father answered.

“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” - the little girl asked.

“No,” - her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

“Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.”
SURPRISE
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while, the boy came into the room where his father was talking with some friends.

“Say, Pop,” - said the boy, - “the bull just fucked the brown cow”.

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, ‘Excuse me’ and took his son outside.

“Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go, watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow”.

The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said:

“Hey, Pop.”

“Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”

“He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!”

“Why’d you run?”

To which the first boy responded:

“My mom told me that if I ever stared at a naked lady, I’d turn to stone... and I felt it happening!”

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded:

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. You should smack his butt again."
CONSENSUS
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said:

“My father is better than your father.”

The other kid said:

“Well, my mother is better than your mother.”

The first boy paused:

“I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.”

“Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”

She said,

“Yes, I know. I'm gonna get boobies too.”

"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
HOPELESS
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face:

"Why do you do that, mommy?" - he asked. 

"To make myself beautiful," - said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

 "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

CHANNELHOPPER
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said:

"Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied:

"NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

 

LOGICAL
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

 "Yes," - said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked:

"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

"Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied:

"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy".

Johnny, looking worried, said:

"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

"Hello," - said the little boy.

"Hi," - replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" - asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," - answered the little girl.

"Me too," - replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."

"Which church do you go to?" - asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," - replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill," - replied the little boy.

They discovered that they were both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive," - said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet," - replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," - said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and

"That's a good idea," - replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked:

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."

"Son, we'd buy you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked:

"Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him:

"I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!"

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. The doctor surprised me a little when he said:

"My, we have made an extra effort down here this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom:

"Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied:

"No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.

WALKING THE DOG
A little girl asked her Mom:

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”

Mom replied:

“No, because she is in heat.”

“What's that mean?” - asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.”

The little girl went to the garage and asked:

“Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said:

“Bring Belle over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said:

“OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked:

“Where's Belle?”

The little girl answered:

“She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”
POLITENESS
Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."

Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."

Son: "But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
SCARY
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

“May I be excused please? I would like to go home now, I have sexual problems.”

The nurse was a little dumbfounded, but let the boy go home. Next day, to the nurse’s great consternation, the event was repeated, but she again let the boy return home. On the third day she could no longer restrain herself and agitatedly asked:

“It is not my habit to interfere in somebody’s intimate matters, but…. hm…. what sexual problems could you possibly have?”

“I’m totally fucked off with kindergarten.”