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- LOONIES NO FOOL IS HE
- MALE CHAUVINISTS INSATIABLE
- IT’S A NATURAL PHENOMENON
- A GOOD IDEA Asked St. Peter of God: “Almighty Creator, what is your opinion with regards to smart women” “Smart women Hmmm, not a bad idea.” LOSS OF CONTROL
- LIFESAVER “Today my wife saved many lives.” “How did she do it” “She couldn’t start the car this morning.” QUID FOR QUO
BIRDS OF FEATHER A man walked into a bar. He saw a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walked up behind her and said: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?” She turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eyes and said: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it. And, always want more." He said: "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?" STATE-OF-ART The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene... NO SCRUPLES A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defended a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping and selling arms. As he was leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabbed him by the arm: “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?” “I don’t know,” – Ernie said. “What have you done?” LETTER OF THE LAW
"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
“If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” - said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer: “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But I did send them.” “What?? You did???” “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” - said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
"That's very fair, your honor," - the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself," REALLY GENEROUS The UJF (United Jewish Fund) realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his elegant office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying: "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to Israel. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the UJF?" The lawyer thought for a minute and said: "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the UJF rep mumbled: "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," - said the lawyer, - "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken UJF rep began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said: "I'm sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer said: "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit was sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper, placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the penny, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the coin to the father and walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No", - the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
"Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said: "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring, or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other: "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So .... do you think we should ... well .... you know ...... screw her?" "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other. Brief notes: * Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer. * Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail. * Question: “How do you know, that a lawyer is lying?” Answer: “His lips are moving.” * Question: “Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?” Answer: “Professional courtesy.” * Yesterday it was so cold that a lawyer put his hands in his own pocket: LOONIES NO FOOL IS HE On a highway located near a hospital for the insane, a car had a flat tire. One of the inmates came to the fence and watched the driver, attempting to unlock the screws of the tire - to no avail. “Try unscrewing them anti-clockwise,” – he suggested. The motorist acted on his advice and indeed, the screws opened easily. “How did you know?” – wondered the driver. “Look sir, I may be crazy, but I am no fool!”
“What are you writing?” – asked a passing attendant. “A letter.” “To whom?” “To myself.” “And what is in the letter?” “How am I to know if I haven’t received it yet.”
“Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive: It doesn't matter what number you press & press & press and finally bash; no one will answer. If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969969696969696969696696969696. If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia: Press 8, state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name, if you can remember which number is 8. If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have low self-esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
“I am a hydrogen bomb!” Everybody clapped his hands. Next to come on stage was a thin, paltry fellow, stark naked, who shouted in a thin, reedy voice: “I am an atomic bomb.” Most of the audience got on its feet and in sheer panic escaped from the auditorium. A visitor managed to stop one of them and curiously inquired: “A hydrogen bomb is much mightier, than an atomic bomb. Why did you run only when the second man appeared on stage?” “Did you see how short his fuse was?” – answered the inmate and went on running.
“My husband sits all day long in the bathroom tub and fishes.” “Have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?” “Not yet…the truth is, I’m crazy about fish.” LIGHTING FIXTURE “Doctor, my husband has a fixed idea that he is a lamp.” “That is really a harmless eccentricity.” ‘Yes, but I cannot sleep when the light is on.”
Sister: “He thinks he’s a chicken.” Psychiatrist: “How long has be been acting like a chicken?” Sister: “For three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.” DOG’S LIFE “Where have you been?” - a man asked his friend. “To tell you the truth, I was hospitalized in the psychiatric department.” “What was wrong with you?” “I had a fixed idea that I am a dog.” “And did they cure you?” “Oh yes. Just feel how cool my nose is.” FUNNY, ISN’T? There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. Finally he decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he too put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. He turned to the patient and said: “I don't hear anything.” The mental patient said: “Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!” MALE CHAUVINISTS INSATIABLE The young and horny construction worker was busy at his job, but not that busy that he did not notice the scantily dressed stunner passing. In fact, he got so excited by her half-hidden, half-revealed beauties that he had to jack off right there. After a while the dreamboat passed by again. The worker could not restrain himself and jerked off again. A few minutes later, the knockout appeared on the street again and the man on the scaffolding masturbated once more. Not a half-an-hour had passed and there she was again. This was a little too much for our guy: “Is she a nymphomaniac,” – he wondered, – “or what?” tall story A cruise-ship in the Caribbean had sunk and the only survivors, who managed to reach an uninhabited island, were Sharon Stone and an uncouth sailor. The place was a paradise, the weather uniformly pleasant, there was plenty of fruit, but nothing much to do. In spite of the differences between them, after a while they just naturally settled down to a regular routine of sex. After about a week, the sailor asked Sharon to wear his clothes. The actress agreed. After another week he asked her to paint herself a mustache and beard with some soot. To Sharon the request seemed a little queer, but again she agreed. After one more week the sailor asked Sharon if from now on he can call her Joe. When she complied with her mate’s request, the sailor put his hand around her shoulder, took her aside and whispered into her ear: “Joe, you are not going to believe this, but for three weeks running now I’ve been fucking Sharon Stone.”
“I regret to inform you, but we have lost control over the aircraft and are going to crash.” Pandemonium broke out among the passengers. A young woman tore off her clothing and shrieked: “Let some man make me feel that I’m a woman for the last time.” At that a man tore off his shirt and threw it at the woman: “Here, iron it!” OCCUPATIONAL FATIGUE “Doctor, I’m tired all the time.” “How many times do you have intercourse with your wife?” “Three times, sometimes even four times.” “Weekly?” “No, daily.” “Do you have a girl friend?” “Of course, doctor.” “And how many times do you make out with her?” “Six-seven times.” “Weekly?” “No, daily.” “Then sir, it is due to your exaggerated sexual life that you are exhausted.” “Thank God, I was afraid that it was because of me masturbating”
“You know, we have been married now for 10 years, but you never have satisfied me orally.” “Stop right there!” – exclaimed the wife. “I would never do such a disgusting thing.” 15 years passed. At their silver anniversary the husband came up with his wish again and once more was firmly rebuffed. 25 years passed. At the couple’s golden anniversary, the husband, rather timidly, mentioned his request again. This time the wife thought about it and decided, that after all they had been married for 50 years and she could try it once. So she knelt down before her husband, opened his fly and took his member into her mouth. At that moment the phone rang. The husband answered it and then passed the receiver to his wife: “It is you they want, you fellating slut!” UNNATURAL ACT Two men met on the street. One seemed to be in a big hurry. Asked the other one: “What is the rush, old buddy?” “I must hurry home to cook dinner.” “Is your wife sick?” “No, she’s hungry.”
“Get in lass! I’m not a chauvinistic pig like the other drivers who only stop for pretty girls.” CONDOLENCES “Do you have prophylactics other than white ones?” - the customer asked the pharmacist. “We have them in various colors.” “Then please give me a pack of black ones, I’m going to pay my condolences to my friend’s widow.”
“Three of the damn things did not work!” THE STORY OF CREATION The priest related the story of the creation: “On the first day God separated the light from the darkness, on the second day the land was separated from the waters. On the third day the Almighty created the plants, on the fourth day the celestial bodies. On the fifth day He breathed life into the animals and on the sixth day he created the man and finally the woman.” Here the priest paused for a while and then added: “But by then God was clearly showing some signs of fatigue.” IT’S A NATURAL PHENOMENON The well-endowed youth was very proud of his prodigious equipment. One sultry summer day early morning, he passed by a lake and felt very much like taking a swim. He did not have a bathing suit, but since no one was around, he quickly undressed and went skinny-dipping. The water was so cool and refreshing that he forgot himself and when he came out of the lake, other people were already on the shore. A passerby stopped, stared in wonder and then started sniggering at the slowly emerging youth’s male organ, which seemed to be of infinite length. Only when the water reached the bather’s knees, came its tip finally into sight. The man reacted angrily at the ridicule of the onlookers: “You ignoramuses, don’t you know it shrinks in cold water?”
After a week he called the three and asked them what they did with the $500. The first said that she went on a shopping spree and blew it all in one day. The second put the sum in a savings account. The third invested the money in shares and made a profit of $200 in one week. Question: “Which of the applicants got the job?” Answer: “The one with the big tits.”
“Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and is excellent in bed.” Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then one day, as she was doing her laundry, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. “May I help you?” - she asked. “I am the man of your dreams!” - said the man. Completely baffled, she said: “Excuse me?” “I read your ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms so I can't beat you. I have no legs so I can never leave you.” “But are you good in bed?” - she asked. He replied: “How do you think I knocked on the door?!”
“But wait a minute,” – said the listener, – “she'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?” “Sure,” – replied the man. “Well, won't they find out?” The man shrugged: “Of course they'll, but who'll tell?” It's all right honey! It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside and said: “It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid.” The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said: “When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.” A GOOD IDEA Asked St. Peter of God: “Almighty Creator, what is your opinion with regards to smart women?” “Smart women? Hmmm, not a bad idea.”
“I lost control of my car yesterday.” “How did it happen?” “My wife got her driver’s license.” NO OFFENsE MEANT “I have never encountered such impudence! I’m telling you that my wife is expecting a child and you are asking me from whom?” “All right, take it easy. I thought you knew who the father is.” nice trY A man made a suggestion to his wife: “Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?” His wife responded with: “Yes, I would really like that. Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the couch and watch TV.” SOMETHING GOOD After twenty years of married life, the husband was quite indifferent to the pleasures of marital life. Though he dutifully executed his conjugal obligations once in a week, he never showed great enthusiasm. Not with his wife, anyway. So when one night she felt her spouse move around during the act, she was pleasantly surprised and exclaimed: “So there is something good in me, after all.” “There is,” – answered the husband morosely, – “but I am going to pull it out soon.”
“And why is she doing it?” “She is waiting for me to get home.”
“How did she do it?” “She couldn’t start the car this morning.”
“You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle”. While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought better and didn't reply. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said: “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra”. This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place, she said: “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your brother”. TASTES VARY An escaped convict, imprisoned for first-degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple that had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible, the husband made his way across the room, his chair in tow, to his voluptuous, young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered: “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don’t fight him, or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you.” After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the wife hissed: “Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way. You’re right, he hasn’t seen a woman in >years, but he wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you’re really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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