Avri robert shacham joke categories

The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

“Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.”

"Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" 

To which the doctor handily responded:

"To avoid criticism."

“I had sex with my teacher today.”

His mother sent him to his room and said:

“Your father will talk to you when he gets home.”

So the Dad walked in and said:

“I know I’m supposed to be mad at you and all, but I’m actually proud. Some people never even have sex and you’re only 14! I’m gonna buy you the best bicycle there is.”

So he took him to a toy store and bought him the best bike he could find. When they were walking home, the Dad asked:

“Aren’t you going to ride your bike?”

The Kid replied:

“No, my ass still hurts.”

"Are they twins?"

Puzzled the woman replied:

"No, one is 3 years old and the other is 10. Why do you ask?"

The man replied:

"No particular reason, I just can't believe someone fucked you twice"

"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied.

"Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

3% liked the warmth

4% enjoyed the sensation

93% appreciated the silence

* Question:

“What do you say to a woman with two shiners?”

Answer:

* Question:

“What is the basic difference between man and woman?”

Answer:

* Question:

“What is the advantage of being pregnant?”

Answer:

* When a woman is silent, then for God’s sake don’t interrupt her.

* “My wife is so infantile. Last night, when I took a bath, she came in and sunk all my paper boats.”

* Question:

“Why do women marry?”

Answer:

* Question:

“Why are condoms not manufactured in black?

Answer:

* Question:

“How are women and rocks alike?”

Answer:

As soon as the two were seated, she called out:

“Honey, would you bring Betty and me some coffee and biscuits.”

Without a word, her husband laid down his paper, shuffled out into the kitchen and a few minutes later came back, carrying a tray with refreshments. But his wife had additional instructions for him:

“Be a dear and take the dog out for a walk. You know that you both need the exercise. At the same opportunity, you could also carry out the garbage and check if there is anything in our mailbox.”

Silently, the well-trained man carried out his assignments. When at last he returned and was about to resume his reading, his spouse played her trump card and commanded:

“Now go and sit under the table.”

Obediently, her husband got down on fours and crawled to his assigned position.

Acknowledging her friend’s admiring glance, the woman at last relented and in a pacifying tone told her mate:

“You may come out again, sweetheart!”

But the man did not budge.

“What is the matter with you Max?” - wondered his sidekick. “Why don’t you come out?”

Proudly the man responded from his perch under the table:

“I want to show you once and for all who is the master of the house!”

After the third repetition the hesitant voice of a woman was heard:

“Is this really the Municipality?”

“Of course. To whom do you wish to speak?”

“To no one in particular. I found this number in my husband’s pocket and just wanted to find out whose phone number it is.”
IT’S YOU THEY WANT
In the middle of night a knock was heard on the door of a luxurious villa. The master-of-the-house went sleepily to the door and asked:

“Who is it?”

“It is the Boston Strangler,” – said a hoarse voice from outside. The man turned back to the bedroom:

“Sweetheart, it’s you they are looking for.”

“None of them?”

“Except for one girl. She liked her very much, because she looked exactly like her.”

“So why didn’t you marry her?”

“My father hated her looks.”
CONSIDERATE FELLOW
Jones accompanied Smith to the railway station. Smith said his farewells:

“Thank you for everything, I had a wonderful weekend, your wife was very sweet, we had some heavenly fucks.”

As the train departed, his neighbor in the compartment asked Smith:

“I beg your pardon, but I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. Did you actually thank your friend for having had good sex with his wife?”

“To tell you the unvarnished, absolute truth, it wasn’t good at all. But Jones is such a touchy fellow, I didn’t want to offend him.”
HOME, SWEET HOME
John was quite drunk when he at last managed to drag himself out of the pub. Taking his first steps on the dark street, he lurched against a corpulent female. The woman reacted angrily to this sudden onslaught and slapped him mightily. John looked around wonderingly:

“This time I made it home real quick.”

“Since you are in bed with my wife,” – the furious man shouted, – “I'm going over and sleep with yours!”

“Go right ahead,” – was the reply. “The rest will do you good.”
Nothing to wear
Tom came home early from work and found his wife walking about stark naked in the room.

“Why are you naked?”

“Why, why, because I’ve got nothing to wear.”

Tom went angrily to the wardrobe, opened it and started counting:

“Nothing to wear? Look, this is a dress, this is a dress, Hi John, this is a dress …”
THIEF IN THE HOUSE
A fella was saying to his friend:

“My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to guard them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!”

“Mommy,” – asked the child, – “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon a Time...?’”

“No, dearest,” - replied the mother, – “sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . .’”
FLIP-FLOP
“My husband flips a coin every night, so he can decide whether to go to the pub, or not. If it comes up heads, he goes.”

“And if it comes up tails?”

“Then he flips it again.
YES, DEAR
The husband looked up from his newspaper:

“Did you say anything sweetie?”

“I did, but that was yesterday.”
FALSE SECURITY
The young woman sported a huge shiner when she came to work Monday morning.

“Who gave you that black eye?” - sympathized her colleagues.

“My husband.”

“But he was away for a week.”

“That’s what I thought too.”
PERFECT MATCH
A woman was having an affair with her husband’s best friend. One afternoon, when the husband was at his office, they met at her apartment. Just when they relaxed following a steamy session, the phone rang. The wife picked up the phone and after a short conversation, put it back in its cradle and started laughing.

“It was my husband,” – she giggled.

“And what is so funny about that?” – asked her lover.

“He said, that he is playing tennis with you.”

“Tell me, if I do become your wife, what will we live on?”

“On love,” – answered the bridegroom to be, only half in jest.

She must have loved him very much, because she married him anyway. Some days after their wedding, the husband came home and saw his wife, stark naked, sitting on the kitchen stove.

“For Heavens’ sake,” – asked the astonished man, – “what are you doing?”

“Warming our dinner.”

“I managed to get you some excellent medication against hair-loss, my dear.”

“But sweetie, my hair isn’t falling out.”

“It’s not for you, but for that blonde floozy whose hair I have to brush off your jacket every day.”

“Are you married?”

“Yes, but it was a car that hit me.”
UNBEARABLE LOSS
After placing some flowers on his mother’s grave the man started walking back to the cemetery gate, where he has left his car. On the way, he noticed a man kneeling before one of the graves, praying with devotion:

“Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?”

Our man went over to the mourner and addressed him:

“Sir, I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I must tell you that I’ve never seen such immense pain as you exhibited in your prayers. Whom are you mourning so deeply? A child? Your parents? May I respectfully inquire who is it who is buried here?”

The mourner raised his tear-speckled face and in a broken voice answered:

“My wife’s first husband. Oh, why did he have to die, why, why?”

“Lady, I do not doubt your words,” – he said, – “but I want to see this occurrence with my own eyes.”

He stepped into the cupboard, closed the door behind him and waited for the bus to pass. Just then, Mr. Smith returned from work and before his wife could utter a word, went to the cupboard to hang his coat. He opened the door and to his surprise found a stranger inside.

“What are you doing here?” – exclaimed the husband.

“If I told you that I’m waiting for the No. 5 Bus, would you believe me?”
AT THE BOOKSHOP
“Do you have the book “Household Chores for the Husband?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t stock fairy tales.”

“We could not agree about our summer holidays.”

“How come?”

“I decided to go to the Canary Islands and she insisted on coming with me.”

“It says here in the paper that there are not enough males in Sweden and some ladies pay men $100 just for spending one night with them. Maybe I should emigrate there.”

“Yes, maybe you should,” – said Mrs. Jones, never dropping an eye, – “but could you survive on $100 a month?”
THE SECRET
“What is the secret of a good marriage?”

“My wife and I agreed that we’ll dine twice weekly at some quiet little place. Candlelight, soft music, a few turns on the dance-floor… She is goes every Wednesday, I go every Friday.”

“It is like boxers who shake hands before the start of a fight.”

“Yesterday was our 5th wedding anniversary and I gave my wife an airline ticket to Australia.”

“Really,” – wondered his colleague, – “isn’t that a little extravagant? What gift will you give her for your 25th Anniversary?”

“A return ticket.”

“Do you know who Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is?”

“No I don’t” - answered the surprised man.

“And have you heard of Ludwig van Beethoven?”

Again the man professed his ignorance, but the other one hammered away relentlessly:

“Does the name Felix Bartholdy Mendelsohn mean anything to you?”

“Who are these people?” - asked the neighbor. “Should I know them?”

“Of course you should, you ignoramus. These are people who wrote music, real music and not this caterwauling you make us all listen to.”

The neighbor thought for a while and then he too posed a question:

“Do you know Tom Noggin?”

It was the turn of Dr. Fraud to act surprised:

“Who might he be? Should I know him?”

“Of course you should. He is the man who comes to your house and screws your wife every Wednesday evening when you go to your concerts.”
A REAL TRAGEDY
Two rather drunken men sat at a bar. One of them said:

“Have you heard about the terrible tragedy that happened to Smith?”

“No, I haven’t. What happened to the poor guy?”

“He eloped with my wife.”

“Tell me Pa,” - asked the wife - “how about doing that too?”

“You must be joking! I don’t even know the girl.”

CONNUBIAL STILL LIFE
A businessman and his secretary arrived in London for a convention. As it happens, their reservation was somehow misplaced and they were offered to share the only available room. Take it, or leave it. They took it.

At night when the doctor was already half asleep, he heard his secretary’s voice:

“It is quite chilly, isn’t it? Could you please close the window for me?”

“How would you like to pretend tonight that you are my wife?” - asked the weary doctor.

“Nothing would please me more,” - answered the secretary enthusiastically.

“Fine, then get up and shut the bloody window yourself.”

“Hurrying home to the little wife? Why not have a cup of coffee with me?”

It was a tiring day and the man felt that having a coffee with the blonde dreamboat, would noticeably raise his spirits, so he hopped into the car and off they went.

Over coffee, the two had a long talk, until the girl suddenly asked:

“Wouldn’t we be more comfy, if we continued our little chat at my place?”

Indeed, they went to her apartment, had a drink, or two, or three and all of a sudden they were in bed together. Much-much later, the man looked at his watch and exclaimed:

“My God! It is 4 o’clock in the morning. I must rush. My wife is probably going mad with worry.”

“What are you going to tell her?” - asked his bed partner.

“Oh, I don’t know,” - the man scratched his head, - “maybe you have a piece of chalk?”

“Of course I do. After all, I am a teacher.”

The man took the chalk, made some marks on his face and forehead and left. At home, he was confronted by his wife who demanded to know where he had been.

“To tell you the complete, unvarnished truth,” - replied her husband - “just as I left the office, a blonde knockout in a foreign-looking car invited me for a coffee. From the coffee shop we continued to her apartment, had a few drinks and somehow found ourselves between the sheets.”

His wife looked at her spouse quizzically and suddenly burst out laughing:

“Come on, the chalk marks on your face give you away. I can see that you just came from the pool-room!”

“Don’t you know there is a law against engaging in immoral acts in public places!”

“But Officer,” - protested the man, - “this is my wife who is with me in the car.”

“I am sorry,” - answered the policeman, - “I did not know this was your wife.”

“Neither did I, until you switched on your flashlight.”
FITS THE BILL
Waiter: “What can I get you sir?”

Guest: “Anything that’s big, cold and has a lot of gin in it.”

Waiter: “Then let me introduce you to my wife.”
SLOW ON THE UPTAKE
The promiscuous wife was in bed with her paramour, when they heard the key turn in the entrance door. In complete panic, the man jumped out of bed and escaped to the balcony. Soon the husband came in and upon finding his wife in bed, asked her, if she was unwell. She was about to say that she was merely feeling lazy, but before she could speak, her husband stepped out to the balcony and to his surprise, encountered a bare-assed stranger there.

It was her lover who saved the day. He told the husband that he had spent the afternoon with the wife of their neighbor one floor up and when her husband arrived home unexpectedly, was forced to find safety on their balcony. It is marvelous how the solidarity of males is aroused in these situations. The husband smiled understandingly, lent the shivering guy some clothes and even invited him in for a drink. In the evening, as the couple had their dinner, the husband was uncommonly quiet. Suddenly, he got up, went around the table to his spouse, and slapped her face:

“What was that for?” - she gasped.

“I just remembered that we live on the top floor.”

In the evening the couple went out for dinner at an expensive restaurant on the Champs Elysées. Suddenly, who does the husband see at one of the tables? His charming conversationalist from the afternoon stroll. She saw him too, gave the wife a cursory look and when the couple passed her table, whispered to the husband:

“You see what you get for 100 francs.”
A PLAUSIBLE STORY
A well-dressed lady, shopping bag in hand, came into an exclusive fashion store on Fifth Avenue. She looked over the dresses, tried on a few blouses and walked out again. At the door, the security-officer asked to see the contents of her bag. Upon finding an expensive blouse in the bag, he asked her to follow him to the office.

When accused by the manager of stealing the blouse, the woman indignantly told him that she bought the blouse at a small shop that very morning and came to the store just to compare prices. Unfortunately, she lost her receipt and could not remember the name of the shop. The manager did not relent - even when the woman disclosed, that she is the wife of a prominent lawyer and threatened that if they did not drop this ridiculous accusation, her husband would file suit against the store. At the last minute, just as the manager reached for the phone to call the police, the woman remembered the name of the shop.

They phoned the shop and luckily enough, the manager remembered that particular purchase and thus the accused woman was given a clean slate. Both the store manager and security-officer apologized profusely and in compensation for the embarrassment, offered the lady a free blouse of her choice. But now it was the woman’s turn to become obstinate. Furious, she proclaimed that unless given a mink coat, her husband would sue the store manager down to his last penny. Faced with that threat, they gave in to her demand.

That was the explanation the woman gave when her husband asked where she got a mink-coat.

“$100 a day,” - replied the clerk at the reception.

The room was spacious and well furnished, the food excellent, the service courteous, the countryside beautiful, so the couple stayed for a week. On the last evening, the husband went down to the reception desk and requested the bill. To his astonishment it came to $1,400. He asked to see the manager:

“I was told that the price would be $100 per day and we stayed for 7 days only,” - he complained

“Yes, but we charge $100 a week for the use of our well-appointed tennis courts,” - replied the manager.

“But it’s the middle of winter, the snow is a meter high and the temperature outside is minus 25.”

“The management regrets that you found the weather too cold. It is entirely our distinguished guests’ choice, whether they use our facilities, or not. They are there at their disposal,”- continued the manager. “Further, we billed you 100 additional dollars for the use of our Olympic-size swimming pool

“Are you crazy? It is an outdoor pool and it is frozen solid” - protested the tourist.

“Frozen or not, it was there for you to use. Then there is $100 charge per person for a ski-pass”.

Needless to say, it was in vain that the guest pointed out that neither he, nor his wife could ski. The manager summed up:

“And then there is $100 each, for our bobsled course, for the extensive bicycle paths and the well-equipped nursery, which takes care of your offspring, while you enjoy our luxurious facilities. That comes to $1,400 exactly, without service charge.”

The tourist thought for a minute and then wrote out a check. Now it was the manager’s turn to act surprised:

“But this check is for $700 only,” - he stated the obvious.

“Yes, but I charged you $100 a day for fucking my wife.”

“What! That ugly, fat, disgusting old hag?”

“I’m sorry that you did not like my wife, but it was entirely your own choice whether you made use of her services, or not. She was there at your disposal.”