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- CROSSWORD-PUZZLE „What is it: ‘female genital organ, five letters’” „Across, or down” „Across.” „Mouth.” OOPS
- NOUVEAU RICHE ONLY THE BEST WILL DO
- OLD AGE HUMILIATIONS
HOLES A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied: “I'm on the 7th hole and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said: “I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me and so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and on finishing his round, went into the clubhouse and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said: “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” They started a conversation and the man asked the lady what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied: “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn't,” – he said. She said: “I sell tampons.” With that he started laughing so hard that he fell on the floor. She said: “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That's not what I'm laughing at,” – he replied. “I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!” THE COWBOY A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had he biggest feet she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said: “Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said: “Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.” The woman replied: “Don't flatter yourself....... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.” THE SHOES Gorgio has been in the United States for about six months. He walked to work every day and passed a shoe store. Each day he stopped to look in the window and admired a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about two months, he saved the $300 the shoes cost and purchased them. Each Friday night the Italian community got together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new shoes to the dance. He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced asked her: “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?” Sophia (startled): “Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?” Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?” Next he asked Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he said to her: “Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?” Rosa: “Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?” Giorgio: “I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?” The evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red: Giorgio: “Carmella, still my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tell me this is true!” Carmella: “Yes, yes, Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight.” Giorgio (gasping): “Thank God... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Bocceli leather shoes.”
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentleman responded: "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman: "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No”, – she replied, – "but my cucumbers are enormous.” MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist told her: "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." She said: "I'm not using it under my arms." The clerk said: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." She said: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The clerk said: "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."
“Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station... Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. From now on, when I says, 'Bell one,' I want you to strip naked, 'Bell two,' you jump on de bed, 'Bell tree,' we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night, he came home and shouted, 'Bell One' and she stripped naked. 'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed. 'Bell Tree' and they started to make love. After a few minutes, the wife yelled out: "BellFour!" “What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?" - asked the astonished Jamaican. She replied: . “Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire.” RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF 1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. 4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins. 5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again. 7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well-formed bunkers. 8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason. 9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case. 10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course. 11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine. 13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request. 14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. 15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses. CROSSWORD-PUZZLE „What is it: ‘female genital organ, five letters’?” „Across, or down?” „Across.” „Mouth.”
A guy checked into a hotel on a trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Cleopatra, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair and long graceful legs all the way up to her, well you know the kind. So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, he'll give her a call. "Hello?" - the woman said. Ohhhh, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking about, kinky the whole night long. You name it we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She said: "That sounds fantastic .... but for an outside line you need to press 9." MERLOT In the restaurant the waiter took a bottle of Merlot to a woman dining alone at a table and said: "This is from the gentleman seated over there," - indicating the sender. The woman regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage and there is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back." MIND AGAINST MATTER A well-dressed lady entered a lingerie shop: “Good day, do you have any sexy lingerie?” “What did you have on your mind, concretely?” “Concretely, copulating is on my mind, but just now I would like to buy some underwear.” FANNY GREEN An Irish man went to confession at St. Patrick's Catholic Church. “Father”, - he confessed,“ it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.” The priest told the sinner: “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.” Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.” This time, the priest questioned: “Who is this Fanny Green?” “A new woman in the neighborhood,” - the sinner replied. “Very well,” - sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.” At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous, redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered: “Is that Fanny Green?” The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply: “No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes”. A VERITABLE ROMANCE He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear: "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
As he lay naked on his side on the table and the nurse began the examination. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" - said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection," - said the man. "No, but I have,"
* There is a new pill that cures both impotence and constipation. It will be marketed under the name: “Easy Come, Easy Go.” * While in London, a Scotsman asked a prostitute who accosted him what her going rate was. On hearing her reply, the stupefied man exclaimed: “But Baby, I don’t want to buy it, just use it for a while.” * Suggested one penis to another: “Let’s go and watch a blue movie.” Answered his mate: “And stand-up during the entire performance?” * Question: “Why does English beer remind one of having sex in a boat?” Answer: “It is fucking close to water.” * Question: “Why is a joke like a pussy?” Answer: “Neither is any fun if you don't get it.” * Question: “What is preferable to roses on your piano?” Answer: “Tulips on your organ.” * Question: “Why did God create Eve?” Answer: “Adam’s right hand was getting stiff.” * Question: “Why does the promiscuous lady have a lighted candle in her navel?” Answer: “Her lover likes to eat by candlelight.” * Question: “Why did Elisabeth Arden?” Answer: “Because Max Factor.” * Question: “Do you think sex is dirty?” Answer: “Yes, if you do it right.” * Question: “What is the difference between a nun and a bathing woman. Answer: “The nun’s soul is full of hope, whereas the bathing lady’s hole is full of soap.” * Question: “What is common between Soya beans and vibrators?” Answer: “Both are meat substitutes.” * Question: “Why is it inadvisable to take up with a cigar-smoking woman?” Answer: “Because she’s in the habit of biting the tip off.” * Question “What's the definition of ‘Indecent’?” Answer: “When it's in long, in hard, and in deep, it's in decent.” * Question: “Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?” * Question: “What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?” Answer: “Slow down and use a lubricant.” * Question: “What is the difference between hard and dark?” Answer: “Dark lasts all night.” * Question: What did the elephant say to the naked man? Answer: “How do you breathe through that thing? * Question: “What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?” Answer: “A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you” * Question: “What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?” Answer: “By the time you're finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.” Con game: To convince a woman that it is small and soft so that it won’t hurt her. Polite man: Someone who even when he is screwing, begs to be excused for shoving. Tiny: When the boy asks the girl: “Is it in yet?” “No, it isn’t.” “Funny, it isn’t outside either.”
The industry mogul was impressed, but decided to shop around a little more and see what the competition had to offer. Indeed, the competing company’s manager assured him that his company’s program is a much better one, as it takes care of the insured “From Sperm to Worm” The young magnate was still doubtful. After all it was his child, he was paying and for his money he wanted the very best insurance program available on the market. Finally, it was the third manager who clinched the deal, as his company’s program provided the absolute ultimate in insurance “From Erection to Resurrection”
“Don’t you have anything new?” “No sir, we deal in antique books.” “I didn’t realize that these old books still have a market. Once I found an old bible in our attic. It was written in those funny-looking German letters and published by somebody named Got… Guten…” The antiquarian blanched and started trembling: “Maybe Gutenberg?” “Yea, how did you guess? Still, it looked very old and was torn in several places, so I just chucked it out.” “Oh my God! That must have been one of the first books ever published. It was worth a fortune.” “I doubt it. On most of the pages there was some scribbling by a guy who called himself Martin Luther.” magnanimous soul One afternoon, as Mr. Golddigger, the newfangled millionaire, was fishing in his private lake, the legendary goldfish was snagged on his hook. Mr. Golddigger looked at the fish and as it was too small to be of any use, threw it back into the lake. Before swimming away, the grateful fish peeked out of the water and asked: “And what about the three wishes?” Mr. Golddigger hesitated only slightly and then magnanimously uttered: “All right, you may wish something.” HE GAVE ALREADY At the club everybody was either going on a mountain-climbing holiday, or just returning from one. Goldsmith felt very embarrassed when asked about his mountain-climbing experience (he did not have any) and decided to acquire one as soon as possible. He flew to Switzerland, took the train to Grindelwald, walked to a sporting-gear shop and asked for some mountain-climbing equipment. The seller looked at him dubiously and said: “Sir, do you think that it is advisable to venture on such a dangerous trip at your age and without previous experience?” “If everybody can do it, I can do it too,” - answered Goldsmith He took the equipment, asked for directions and left. When he did not return that night, the hotel management notified the police. The next morning a helicopter was sent out to search for the missing man. They located him 2,000 meters up on the Eiger, inching his way up on its nearly vertical side. The pilot switched on his powerful loudspeaker and called: “Mr. Goldsmith, this is the Red Cross.” But the man was not to be distracted: “I already gave at the office,” - he shouted back and continued climbing.
“You know, every man at our club keeps a mistress. I am the only one, who does not have one. What will they think of us?” “If everybody has a mistress, you should take one too,” - replied his loyal sidekick. “We don’t want people thinking, that we cannot afford one.” And indeed, with the help of his wife, Mr. Moneymaker managed to find a mistress. He spent two evenings a week with her and while relaxing with his friends in the sauna, he had the satisfaction of being able to complain: “My mistress wants a new mink-coat again.” One night the Moneymakers went to the theater. Before the curtain rose, Mrs. Moneymaker looked through her binoculars at the rest of the audience. Suddenly, she pulled her husband’s sleeve: “Who is that gorgeous blonde beside McCormick?” “Probably his mistress.” “His mistress? She is not so pretty after all. Ours is nicer, don’t you agree?”
“Can’t the poor guy walk at all?” “Of course he can, but thank God, he doesn’t have to!”
“It would be best Grandpa if you returned home and reapplied in about twenty years,” – he jokingly advised. The patriarch thanked him and shuffled towards the exit. Suddenly, something occurred to him and he turned back towards the clerk: “You forgot to tell me, at what time should I be here?” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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