Avri robert shacham joke categories
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SPEED LIMIT A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said: “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What’s the problem?” “Ma’am,”– the officer replied, – “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? I’m following the posted speed exactly!” The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, the officer asked: “Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
“Is he breast fed or on the bottle?” “Breast fed” – she replied. “Well, strip down to your waist,” – the doctor ordered. She did. While the woman sat silently he pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a long while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said: “No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk.” “Naturally,” – she said. “I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.”
“Don't be holding back Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?” Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, Mrs. Cohen said: “But the best thing of all is...now I have a boyfriend!” Mrs. Murphy said: “Saints be praised, now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it!” Mrs. Cohen said: “Well...after lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then on the bottom and then we sing Jewish songs. Oy, it's wonderful!” Mrs. Murphy said: “For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen!” Mrs. Cohen said: “And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy? You must tell me!” Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said: “Good for you! So what do you do, you and the new boyfriend?” Mrs. Murphy smiled and said: “We go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top and then I let him touch me down below...” Mrs. Cohen said: “Yes, and then....?” Mrs. Murphy said: “Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck!”
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," - he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale.
"Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly not," – said one of the ladies, – "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"We don't drive," – replied the other little old lady, – "and besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get screwed." CURE ALL Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," - he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" - pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," - she replied, - "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter!" BROTHEL VISIT An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam that he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the man and asked how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," - he said "Ninety!" - commented the madam. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," - said the old man, - "how much do I owe you?" THE RABBI’S ADVICE An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard and made the following suggestion: "Hire a good looking, strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife to fantasize and should bring the desired pleasure." They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. It didn't help and she remained unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi. "Okay", – said the rabbi to the husband, – "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly: "You see, schmuck, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!" FOR THE POSTERITY When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered than a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly: "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow: "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for the posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was." ITALIAN BREAD Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said: “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said:
"I want 5 loaves." She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?" He replied: "Holy crap! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!” The old man frowned: "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said: "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. HEARING AID A man and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asked the lady: "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady: "Up or down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the elderly gentleman asked: "Up or down?" The woman replied: "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady: "Up or down?" She replied: "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked: "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied: "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," - answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty." KILLED BY THE BELL Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," - replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”
A senior citizen went in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor entered the examination room he said: "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turned to his wife and asked: "What did he say?" The wife yelled back to him: "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
His buddies at the club were all aghast. At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked: "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replied: "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continued to ask: "So , how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age" - Bob replied. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiled and said: "No, I told her I was 90."
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said: "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???" Wally replied: "I have been in jail." "Jail???," - cried Max. "What in the world for???" "Well," - Wally said, - "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" - said MAX, - "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, an old geezer like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'. The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury." MISSING WIVES Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, were pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collided. Sam said to Bill: "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." Bill said: "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." Sam said: "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" Bill answered: "Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" Sam replied: "Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours." ELIGIBLE A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park. A man walked over and sat down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asked: "Are you a stranger here?" He replied: "I lived here years ago." "So, where were you all these years?" "In prison," - he said. "Why did they put you in prison?" He looked at her, and very quietly said: "I killed my wife." "Oh!" - said the woman. "So you're single..." MARRIAGE PROPOSAL Two elderly people lived in Trailer Estates, a Florida mobile home park,.he was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her: "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered: "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled: "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired: "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say: "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued: "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
"You're really doing great, aren't you?" "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" - Morris replied. To which the doctor said: "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"
The waitress asked kindly: "Crushed nuts?" "No," - he replied, - "arthritis!" SPERM COUNT An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said: “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “ “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied: “Yep, none of us could get the jar open!!” FOOTBALL WEDDING Two guys were talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One said: "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other said: "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asked: "What's a football wedding?" The other said: "She's waiting for him to kick off!" ELDERLY SEX One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo and found her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly: “Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex... he could also fly.”
“I was in a hurry to get there, before I forget where I’m going!” THREE OLD LADIES Three little old ladies, Tillie, Maude and Gertrude, with their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude had a stroke. Poor Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far....... UNIVERSITY STUDIES An elderly woman registered for studies at the university. Her records were in order, she passed all entrance exams, but the Admissions representative was still curious and asked her: “Tell me, why would a person of your age want to pursue academic studies?” “It is not so much that I want to study, it is on account of my hubby. The old prick just loves to screw co-eds”. WISE OLD MAN A woman decided to have a face-lift and breast implants for her 40th birthday. She spent $15,000 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to bought a newspaper. Before leaving, she said to the clerk: “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 22,” - is the reply. “Nope! I'm exactly 40,” - the woman said happily. A little while later she went into McDonald's and asked the counter girl the very same question. The girl replied: “I'd guess about 24.” The woman replied with a big smile: “Nope, I'm 40.” Now she was feeling really good about herself. She stopped in a drug store on her way down the street. She went up to the counter to get some mints and asked the clerk this burning question. The clerk responded: “Oh, I'd say 23.” Again she proudly responded: “'I'm 40, but thank you!” While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replied: “Lady, I'm 78, an old ex sailor and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.” They waited in silence on the empty street until her curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurted out: “What the hell, go ahead!” He slipped both of his hands under her blouse and began to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounced and weighed each breast and gently pinched each nipple. He pushed her breasts together and rubbed them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she said: “Okay, okay....How old am I?” He completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands and said: “Madam, you are 40.” Stunned and amazed, the woman said: “That was incredible, how could you tell?” The old man said: “Promise you won't get mad?” “I promise I won't” - she said. “I was behind you at McDonalds." Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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