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- EVERY AGE HAS ITS PLEASURES
- CROSSWORD PUZZLE “What is a ‘female genital organ, 5 letters” “Horizontal, or vertical” “Horizontal.” “Mouth.” MARS MAID
HUNTING STORY The big game hunter regaled his pals with the highlights of his African trip: “I started my safari with 30 porters. On the very first day I encountered a big lion and shot him between the eyes. Eight of the men had to carry the carcass. The next morning a rogue elephant charged our party, but I managed to fell him with my first shot. He was so big that 14 porters barely managed to transport his body. Later, we encountered a beautiful rhino. He too went down from my first shot, but his body used up the rest of my bearers. So, when I bagged a magnificent gorilla, I was obliged to carry him myself.” “How did you manage?” - asked of his listeners. “Oh, I simply put each of his legs on one of my shoulders...” Just then the hunter was called away for an urgent phone call. When he returned, he asked: “Where was I?” “You put one leg on each of your shoulders,” - said somebody helpfully. “Oh yes,” - the hunter took up the thread, - “I must tell you guys, this was the most fabulous fuck I ever had.” EXCELLENT HEARING A man rented an apartment in New York and went to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady wearing a robe came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes. The new lodger smiled at the young girl and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was quite obvious that she had nothing on under the robe. The poor man broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said: “Let's go into my apartment, I hear someone coming...” He followed her into the apartment and after she closed the door she leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall open completely. She purred at him: “What would you say is my best feature?” The flustered, embarrassed man stammered, cleared his throat several times and finally squeaked out: “Oh, it's got to be your ears!” The girl was astounded: “Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!” Clearing his throat once again, the man stammered: “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me!” LIP SERVICE On a bench in the park: “Tom, remove your spectacles, they’re pressing against my leg.” A few minutes later: “Maybe you had better put them on again, you’re licking the bench.” UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY One late afternoon two Dutch girls rode their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam. As it turned closer to dusk, the increasing darkness started making the two girls a little nervous. One girl leant over to the other and said: “You know, I've never come this way before.” The other girl said: “It's the cobblestones.” VEGETABLE SALAD Three women stood at the vegetable stand. The first requested: “Please give me a pound of large cucumbers.” The second one said: “For me, some middle-size cucumbers with rough skin. Those seem to be the tastiest.” The third one shrugged: “Any kind of fresh cucumbers would do for me. I just need them for a salad.” A FRUGAL TYPE A brawny guy stood at an electronic appliance store’s window and wistfully looked at the merchandise. It was a slow day, there were no customers in sight and the storekeeper decided to liven up things a little. “Hey you!” - he called out. “What is it that you fancy?” “It is my wife’s birthday,” - answered the man. “I would very much like to surprise her with a new iron, but as it is, I am flat broke.” The shopkeeper had an idea: “I heard that you athletic types, are well-endowed in the lower parts of your body. Is it true?” “I cannot complain,” - replied the destitute fellow. “Then, I have a proposition for you. You see that iron there in the window? Should you manage to carry it, unaided by your hands, just on your penis, from one end of the shop to the other, it will be yours to take home to your wife.” To the merchant’s surprise, the man performed the prescribed task easily and in a few minutes triumphantly carried the iron home. His wife was very happy with her present, but at night in bed, when she tried to show her gratitude, her husband drew away and complained of fatigue. The same scene repeated itself the next night and the night after, until one day the man found his wife crying bitterly. “What happened, my dear?” - he inquired anxiously. “You don’t love me anymore,” - she sniveled. - “You no longer come to me at night.” “You don’t understand, darling. I love you dearly, but you see, I have decided to get us a refrigerator next.”
Recently, when the old recordings of the Moon landing were re-examined, it was discovered that immediately afterwards he added, muttering under his breath: “Mazel tov, Abramovitz!” When asked for the reason of this curious remark, Armstrong told journalists that he had a neighbor, who for years asked his wife to give him head, but she always replied: “I will perform a blow-job on you when men will walk on the Moon!”
“If it was twelve inches longer, I would be a King!” Overhearing him, his wife retorted: “Yeah, but if it was twelve inches shorter, you would be a queen!” REAL PROFESSIONALS Three women were sitting around having a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said: “I call my husband the dentist - nobody can drill like he does.” The second woman giggled and said: “I have something to confess. I call my husband the miner - he's got the most incredible shaft!” The third woman just sipped her drink until her friend asked: “Martha, what do you call your husband?” She grimaced and said: “I guess I should call him the postman.” “Why the postman?” “Because he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box.” EVERY AGE HAS ITS PLEASURES During the war in Eastern Europe, there were long lines in front of every shop. Passersby always asked, what the queue was for and if they needed that particular commodity, they joined the line. In front of the county medical offices there was a line of a different kind. In those days, prostitution was legal and the ladies of the night were waiting for their monthly check-up. An elderly lady, who passed by the line, asked one of the women what they were waiting for. The hooker was ashamed to disclose their real purpose, so she said they were selling sugar inside. The old woman joined the line and waited patiently, until her turn came. When the matron with her bent back entered the clinic, one could have knocked off the astonished doctor with a feather. “Granny, at your age!” – he exclaimed. “You don’t even have any teeth left.” “True, but I can still suck a little.”
“Would you come to the back room with me?” When the butcher complied, she had a further request: “Would you mind fondling my breasts just a little?” “But Madam, what on Earth for?” – asked the surprised man. “Look, before getting screwed, I like a little foreplay.” OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD Two lice met. “What happened to you?” - asked the first when he saw how terrible his friend looked - runny nose, red eyes and teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some motorcyclist’s mustache and nearly froze my nuts off.” “You must be crazy to nest in a motorcyclist’s mustache. Why don’t you find yourself a warm cozy place, like between the thighs of young girl.” After a week, the two lice met again. The other one looked even more chilled and miserable than during their first meeting. “I did everything you said,” - he explained. “I made a perfect landing between the thighs of a young maiden and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off.” “And so?” - asked the first lice. “And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!” TATTOO A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked for the words “yes” and “no” to be tattooed on his penis. When the job was complete, the man thought that it looked great. That night, when he went home, he approached his wife in their bedroom, stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts and there was his aroused organ displaying his new tattoo. He asked his wife: “Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?” She answered: “You tell me how to cook, how to clean the house, how to do the laundry and now you are going to put words in my mouth.” A REAL TREAT The men were having a few beers in the pub. One of them suddenly said: “You know guys, next week I am going on a business trip to Morocco.” “Really?” - reacted one of his drinking companions. “Be sure to visit the brothel in Casablanca. They say it is the best in the world.” A couple of weeks passed and one night our traveler appeared again at his regular table at the pub. All his buddies asked excitedly: “Did you visit the whorehouse in Casablanca?” “Of course I did,” - answered the man. “And how was it?” - yelled the men. “Tell us, tell us!” “When I rang the bell, a small window opened and I was asked by a beautiful lady in an evening dress, if I have sufficient funds. Only when I showed her my Letter of Credit from the bank, was I admitted.” “So you were inside,” - shouted his companions. “What happened next?” “Two beauty queens took my hat and coat and showed me to a marble bathroom, with taps made of gold and told me to undress. They bathed me in French champagne, gave me a wonderfully relaxing massage and took me into one of their luxuriously appointed bedrooms, with overhead mirrors, closed-circuit television, water-bed and all.” “All right, so you are primed for action,” clamored the crowd. “Were there any luscious girls?” “Several. They had me lie on those satin sheets,” - continued our man in a leisurely manner. “Then they shaved off all my body-hair, covered me with whipped cream, decorated it with Maraschino cherries and for good measure, added some Triple Sec liquor.” His audience seemed to have lost its patience: “Get to the point!” - they demanded. “What happened next?” “To tell you the truth, it all looked so delicious, I licked it off myself.”
“Excuse me, Officer,” - she asked - “what is it that you are doing?” “You know the ballroom at the Savoy?” - asked the policeman. “But there is no ballroom at the Savoy,” - said the surprised lady. “There is no ballroom here either,” - said the guardian of the law and pointed at his trousers.
“We arrived in the early afternoon and immediately, without even bothering to unpack, held two performances. Then we washed up, went to dinner, came back to our room and had two more performances. Later at night we went down to the bar, had a few whiskies on the rocks and before falling asleep, had another performance, followed immediately by a dress-rehearsal.” One of his companions - clearly someone not familiar with the theatrical lingo - interjected: “What is the difference between a performance and a dress-rehearsal?” “A dress-rehearsal is the same as a performance, only nobody comes.”
“Did it pass?” The woman put her hand onto her behind and stated: “Not yet.” IRRESISTIBLE URGE The veteran employee of the pickle factory came home with a sad face. “I am sorry” - he said to his wife, - “but I have lost my job.” “How come, dear?” - she asked. “You told me that your boss is quite satisfied with you.” “To tell you the honest truth, for the last few days I felt a terrible urge to stick my penis into the pickle-slicer and today I finally did it. So they fired me.” “Oh my God,” - cried his anxious spouse, - “and what happened to your poor penis.” “As far as I can see nothing.” “But what about the pickle-slicer?” “Oh, she was fired too.” NO PROBLEM The young man, who lost one of his legs in an accident, had difficulty establishing a lasting male-female relationship. Advanced medical technology replaced his missing limb so well, that his handicap became almost unnoticeable. As he was a fairly good-looking man, he never had any trouble in attracting the girl he fancied. Their relationship would progress step-by-step, until it reached the stage, where, inflamed by passion, both wanted to bring their affair to its ultimate culmination. They would start undressing and depending on the particular girl he was with, the following would happen: Some of the girls screamed, others reacted more restrained, but as a rule, as soon as they noticed his prosthetic limb, their passion cooled noticeably and that was the end of their relationship. After several similar incidents, acting on the advice of an elderly friend, our man told his newest conquest of his supposed bashfulness. At his request, they undressed in total darkness; the man put his prosthetic limb in the corner and when both were in bed, told her: “Darling, I have a problem!” He took her hand gently and placed it on his stump. There was a sharp intake of breath and then the girl said softly: “Maybe, if we would use some petroleum jelly, we could manage somehow.” CAR RALLY The noise in the singles’ bar was deafening and the lady seated on the barstool had to lean over and almost shout in her neighbor’s ear: “I have an itchy pussy!” The man nodded and replied: “I drive a Japanese car too, a Mitsubishi.” SAVING ACCOUNT A man walked into his younger brother’s room and found him masturbating. “Are you crazy,” - asked the elder brother - “jacking off like that, a week before getting married? You should save it for your wedding!” Three days later, the brother came upon his sibling whacking off wildly once again. He queried exasperatedly: “Haven’t I told you to save it for your wife-to-be?” “I did, I did,” - answered the young one - “this bottle here is almost full.”
“Horizontal, or vertical?” “Horizontal.” “Mouth.”
The first astronaut to land on Mars encountered a native girl there. She was built somewhat differently, but was distinctly female and beautiful by any standard. The girl was busy in front of a steaming cauldron, adding various ingredients to its contents and steering furiously. After a while the astronaut said: “Excuse me, I just arrived from Earth. Can you tell me what you are doing?” “Is it not obvious?” - replied the Martian girl. “I am making a child. I must be careful to mix well the components supplied by my three husbands, two co-wives and me and if the temperature and other conditions are perfect, out comes a healthy little Mars-child. Is this not the way children are made on Earth? “No, positively no,” - answered the Earthman. “Tell me then, how do you make children?” “I cannot explain, but I can show you.” Indeed, he showed her and the girl seemed to have enjoyed it. She said so too: “I must say that your way of producing a child is quite enjoyable, but what I don’t understand is where is the product of our labors, the child?” “Oh, that,” - shrugged the Earthman. “The child is only born after nine months.” “Then why did you stop mixing?”
“Sir, you are no gentleman!” She received a prompt response: “And you Madam, are no blonde!” WINDY DAY In the early morning hours a guy was walking through Soho. It was a windy day and the girl, who walked across from him, struggled mightily - and rather unsuccessfully - to prevent her short skirt from exposing her private parts. As he came abreast of the girl fighting the wind, the man remarked politely: “Airy, isn’t it?” But the girl wanted none of it and answered furiously: “What the hell did you expect, feathers?” FLOWER ARRANGEMENT It was a sunny day and the two women were sitting on the porch, gossiping over a cup of tea. Suddenly one of them grimaced: “Here comes that good-for-nothing husband of mine, bringing me a bunch of flowers. I will have to open my legs for him again.” “What is the matter?” – asked the other one uncomprehendingly. “Don’t you have any vases?”
The woman replied: “It is really very simple. I’m always up first in the morning and before getting out of bed, I raise the blanket and have a look inside my husband’s pajama bottoms. If I find that his organ has fallen to the left side, I know it will rain, but if it happens to fall to the right, I am positive the sun will shine.” “And what if his penis stays in the middle?” - insisted her neighbor. “In that case, who wants to bother with the washing!”
One day Mr. Peabody felt horny and thought that meeting Mrs. Smith would somewhat alleviate his state. So, he sent his son over to the Smiths and told him to ask the mistress of the house if he can borrow their typewriter. The boy came back soon and conveyed Mrs. Smith’s regret, saying the machine only has a red ribbon. A week passed. Mrs. Smith already had a black ribbon, but there was no word from Mr. Peabody. At last, she decided to send over her daughter with a message that the typewriter is now available for his use. But Mr. Peabody no longer needed it. He told the girl to pass the message to her mother that he has already written by hand.
“How much are these bananas?” “For you Madam, 15 francs,” - was the answer. The good lady was surprised: “How on Earth did you know, that I am a Madam.” “From the way you hold the banana!” PITIFUL STATE A middle-aged man was riding the subway with his fly open. A boy whispered in his ear: “Uncle, half of your wee-wee is hanging out.” The man sighed: “Unfortunately, that’s all of it.” MOANING Morris came home to find his wife, Sadie, crying: “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?” Embarrassed, Morris confessed: “It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!” “If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I too can moan during sex!” So they retired to the bedroom, got undressed and climbed beneath the sheets. As they began to kiss, Sadie asked: “Now, Morris? Should I moan now?” “No not yet.” Morris began fondling Sadie: “What about now? Should I moan now?” “No, I'll tell you when.” He climbed on top of Sadie and began to have intercourse. “Is it time for me to moan, Morris?” “Wait, I'll tell you when.” A moment later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yelled: “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!” “OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!” LENT On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and with great anticipation crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied: “Because it's Lent.” “Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard” – she exclaimed, close to tears. “To whom and for how long?!”
“Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?” To which she replied: “Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.” When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him, she said softly: “Hurts, doesn't it?” APARTMENT FOR RENT A proper English Gentleman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “Rent For Apartment.” On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: “Dear Madam, Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat and that it was entirely too large.” Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: “Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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