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- POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEBODY BASTARD
- ETHNIC STORIES WITH HER MAJESTY’S PERMISSION
- NOT A DROP SHOULD BE WASTED
- LIKE EVERY GOOD JEWISH BOY
- WITH MONEY IN THE POCKET...
MIRACLE A woman started dating a doctor. Before too long, she became pregnant, but they did not want the child. About nine months later, just about the time she was going to give birth, a priest came into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor said to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" - she asked. "It's worth a try," - he said. So, the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation, he went in to the priest and said: "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What?" - asked the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" - said the priest. "I just did the operation," - insisted the doctor, - "it's a miracle! Here's your baby!" About fifteen years went by and the priest realized he must tell his son the truth. One day he sat the boy down and said: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The boy said: "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replied: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree,"- said the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances, I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, can I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Can I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK,"- the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling, he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father, that's wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get out of here." FATHER O'MALLEY An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." POLITE WAY TO CALL SOMEBODY BASTARD A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said: "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said: "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said: "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said: "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them. ‘ENGLISH’ JOKES There used to be a time, when these wry jokes, which derive their humor from unexpected twists in the story line and were known for some reason as English jokes, were very much in vogue. BIRTHDAY PRESENT It was summer and every day as the Englishman was on his way to the office, he noticed through the open window of a ground-floor apartment a woman beating her unruly son with a long French bread. Not in the habit of interfering in other folks’ private affairs, he continued on his way silently. Then one day just as he passed that certain window, he saw the same woman throwing a big cake at the child’s head. This time he stopped and spoke up: “Excuse me for asking, Madam, but why is it that every day you discipline your son with the help of a French bread and today you are using a cake?” “You see,” – answered the woman, – “it is the poor lad’s birthday.”
“Are you going to water the lawn in this weather? It’s raining cats and dogs!” “So what? I have an impermeable raincoat.”
“Excuse me sir, how far is it to the beach?” “About 3,000 kilometers.” “They seem to have a fairly large strand here.” IT DOES NOT HELP In the early evening hours, a policeman stopped a cyclist: “Sir, your headlight doesn’t function. You will have to dismount.” The man disagreed: “I tried that and it doesn’t help.” ISN’T IT OBVIOUS? During the workweek at lunchtime, a secretary used to frequent the same restaurant, located conveniently near her office. She soon noticed another permanent guest of the establishment, wearing a nice carrot in his left ear. Being an Englishwoman who does not meddle in other people’s affairs, she did not comment on the unusual ear-wear and after finishing her meal went quietly on her way. Then one day, the man came in with a fresh green cucumber in his ear. This time the girl’s curiosity overcame her usual reticence and she turned to the man: “Excuse me for my impertinence, but I could not help noticing that you have a cucumber in your ear.” “I am really sorry,” – replied the man, – “but I just could not get a carrot at the greengrocer’s today.” THAT EXPLAINS IT A man entered a restaurant and ordered a portion of spaghetti. When the waiter brought out his order, he took the steaming plate and poured its contents over his head. “But Sir,” - said the astonished waiter, - “this is spaghetti!” “Really,” - replied the customer - “I thought it was spinach.”
“What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?” Answer: “Close the door! I'm dressing.” * Question: “What is faster: hot or cold?” Answer: “Hot, because you can catch a cold.” ETHNIC STORIES WITH HER MAJESTY’S PERMISSION A reception was held at the residence of the President of Israel. Even though it was a hot summer day, all the dignitaries appeared in their Sunday (or rather Sabbath) best and only Cohen showed up wearing an undershirt. When the President noticed Cohen’s inappropriate eveningwear, he confronted him: “Look here Cohen! You cannot appear at my party in an undershirt!” “But it was the Queen of England who gave me permission to come to your party dressed like this!” “How come?” “Last year, while vacationing in London, I decided to go to a party at Buckingham Palace. As it was a hot evening I thought a clean undershirt would suffice, but suddenly somebody tapped my shoulder. I turned around and saw that it was Elizabeth. She was quite red in the face and said: “Where do you think you are? Dressed like that you can show up at your President’s party in Jerusalem, but not at my place!” IRRESISTIBLE ATTRACTION At the gypsy family the wife was about to give birth. The doctor arrived and as the room was in complete darkness, asked the husband to get some light. The man brought in one of those bicycles equipped with dynamo operated headlights and started pedaling furiously. A few minutes later the child was born and the tired father started to get off his vehicle. “Don’t pause! Another one is on its way,” - shouted the doctor. The gypsy started pedaling again until the second child emerged. The man, his tongue lolling, stopped again, but the doctor didn’t let him: “Go on pedaling, I need the light for the next one!” And so it went, until after the fourth baby was delivered. The gypsy came to a sudden stop, scratched his head in bewilderment and asked: “Say Doc, do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?” WHAT'S IN A NAME? A young Jewish man called his mother and said: “Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.” “How nice,” - said his mother. “I have an Indian name too,” - he said. “It's 'Running Water' and you have to call me that from now on.” “How nice,” - said his mother. “You have to have an Indian name, too, Mom....” “I already do,” - said the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva....*”
“May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man?” One of the locals said to his mates; “Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?” Then, turning to the Englishman: “Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic. Are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?” “Ac...actually,” – the Englishman, terrified, replied, – “I'm a taxidermist.” “Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?” “I mount d..d..dead animals.” “It's alright, cobbers,” – said the local, turning to his mates, – “he's one of us!” NOT A DROP SHOULD BE WASTED A Scotsman came to the infirmary. “Doctor, have a look at my tongue. There’s splinter in it.” “A splinter in your tongue? How did it happen?” “It started with me spilling some of my whisky on the floor.” TELLING SIGNS “How do you know that there is a Pole at a cockfight?” “He is the one who brought a duck.” “And how do you know that there is also an Italian present?” “He is the one who bet on the duck.” “And how do you know that the Mafia is also there? “The duck won.” REPAIRMAN A tourist passing through some godforsaken village saw a gypsy beating up his wife. “Man, what do you think you are doing?” “I know what I’m doing,” - answered the gypsy. “I’m fixing my washing machine.”
Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?” Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.” “Oh, come on,” - said the rabbi. “YES!” - said Bernie. Rabbi: “I don't believe you. You are just fooling around. That's not a proper thing to do in the temple.” Bernie: “Its true!” “OK,” - said the rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), - “then show me what the dog can do.” “OK,” - said Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog proceeded to open up the barrel under his neck, removed a yarmulke, a tallith* and prayer book and actually started saying prayers in Hebrew! The rabbi was so shocked he listened for a full 15 minutes. When he regained his composure, he was so impressed with the quality of the praying that he said to Bernie: “Do you think your dog would consider going to rabbinical school?” Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust, said: “YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!” * A shawl with ritually knotted fringe at each of four corners, worn by Jews at Morning Prayer. REPEAT PERFORMANCE A Pole went into a bar where the TV news was on, showing a woman on a roof ready to jump. The Pole said to the bartender: “I bet she won't jump.” The bartender took him on and they bet $50.00. SHE JUMPED. The Pole handed over the money, but the bartender wouldn’t take it. He said: “It wouldn’t be fair, as I saw the news earlier on the 6 o'clock newscast.” The Pole answered: “That's O.K. I saw it on the same newscast, but I didn’t think she would jump the second time.” For those unfamiliar with the Jewish religion: A religious Jew performs no work, touches no money on holy Sabbath - which starts Friday evening and ends Saturday night, when the first three stars emerge. WITH MONEY IN THE POCKET... Friday evening, a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath, the cantor asked the rabbi: “Can you lend me 1,000 dollars?” The rabbi gave him the money and the cantor pocketed it with thanks. Saturday evening, a few minutes after the end of the Sabbath, the cantor returned the loan to the rabbi. The same scene repeated itself every weekend until the rabbi could no longer overcome his curiosity and asked: “Tell me, why do you ask for a loan every Sabbath? After all, you take the money from me just a few minutes before the start of the Sabbath and return it a few minutes after the Sabbath ends. You have no chance at all to spend it?” “Haven’t you noticed, that ever since I’m keeping 1,000 dollars in my pocket, I sing much better at the synagogue?”
“Tell me Daddy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?” “Of course you are a Gypsy, son. If I am a Gypsy, you are too.” The boy reflected a while on his father’s answer, then approached his mother: “Mummy, am I a Jew or a Gypsy?” “Of course you are a Jew, darling. If I am a Jew, you are one too. But why are you asking?” “Because our neighbors have a stunning bike. Now I’m not sure, if I should haggle for it, or just snitch it.”
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat themselves and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.” “You foul-mouthed swine,” - retorted the lady indignantly, - “in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!” “Hey, coola down lady,” - said the man. “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”
“Excuse me Sir, could you spare $2? I want to fly to India.” The passerby looked him over and then magnanimously uttered: “Here are 10 bucks and take your family!” SICKLY NIGHTLIFE Bern must be one of the dullest cities in Switzerland, if not the whole of Europe. At one of the best hotels, a tourist asked the clerk at the Reception: “Is there any night-life in Bern?” “I am sorry, Sir,” – answered the clerk, – “but it seems that she is sick tonight.”
“He moves his chair closer to the candle.” “And if he is still cold? “He puts his arms around the candle.” “A when all that doesn’t help?” “He lights it.” Sorry, but to understand the next one, you must look up German numerals in the dictionary. PERFECT DISGUISE During the war two German spies were dropped in England. Wanting to test their disguise, they decided to go to a pub serving American soldiers. “Two Martinis please!” - they shouted from the door. “Dry?” - asked the barman. “Nein, zwei!” HILLBILLY HONEYMOON Once there was a hillbilly boy who, after getting his G.E.D. (high school equivalency diploma) went to work for his father in the family business of Rust-Collecting. One day he met a hillbilly girl, they hit it off and started dating. They enjoyed each other's company and both liked the same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they decided to marry. After the ceremony, the boy really looked forward to the wedding night and to show how much this marriage meant to him, he took his new bride to a real pay motel. When they arrived, his wife went into the bathroom to change, while he was getting ready himself. She came out of the bathroom dressed in her sexiest burlap and the boy grabbed her and tossed her on the bed. “Be gentle with me,” - she said, - “I'm a virgin.” The boy immediately flew into a rage, got dressed, grabbed the girl and threw her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeched to a stop in front of her parents' house, threw her out, and burned rubber out of there. He drove to his Dad's house and told him the whole story, with eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforted him and said: “You did the right thing, son, don't feel bad. A VIRGIN??!! Well, if she wasn't good enough for HER family, she sure isn't good enough for OURS!!!”
“How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?” “Those are 500 pounds, sir,” - replied the assistant. “Begorrah!” - exclaimed Paddy, - “dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes.” “Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare,” - said the assistant. Paddy certainly couldn't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes, so he left the shop and went home. He told his brother Mick about the shoes and Mick had a brilliant idea: “Sure, Paddy and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!” Paddy was very impressed with this idea, so off they both went to Africa and hired a guide to show them the most crocodile-infested river. They made camp and Mick said to Paddy: “Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck.” So off Mick went back to town with the guide, leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles. A couple of weeks later, Mick had pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and was running low on cash, so he decided to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy was getting on. As he pulled into the camp in the truck, he saw crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles. He jumped out of the truck and went in search of Paddy and just then there was a commotion in the river, loads of splashing and Paddy came to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile, which he wrestled to the shore, then clubbed to death. “How's it going, there, Paddy?” - asked Mick. “Terrible,” - replied Paddy, - “in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!” Here is another version of the same joke. It actually belongs to the “dumb BLONDES” category, but I put it here, so you can compare and choose the version you like better. It just shows you, what you can do with good joke with a little creativity. FRUSTRATION A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted: “Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said: “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming toward her. She took aim and shot, killing the alligator and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. The blonde flipped the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouted out: “Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!” BIG HELP An American was visiting Glasgow. Having difficulty in understanding the local brogue, he asked one of the locals: “What is the meaning of ‘I dina kenn?” “I don’t know.” “Big help you are,” - murmured the American. LAST WORDS Father O'Grady was saying his good-byes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service, as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears. “What's bothering you so, dear?” - inquired Farther O'Grady. “Oh, father, I've got terrible news,” - replied Mary. “Well what is it, Mary?” “Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.” “Oh, Mary” - said the father, - “that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?” “Well yes, he did father,” - replied Mary. “What did he ask, Mary?” “He said, 'Please Mary, put down the gun...'“
“Brown, that cheapskate, who never donated a penny for charity,” - answered the man angrily, - “he lives at the upper end of the town, where all the bloodsuckers of his kind live.” They drove on in the general direction indicated and stopped again at a small shop. “If you are looking for that crook, that scoundrel Brown, may he drop dead” - answered the visibly agitated shopkeeper - “he lives in a red tiled big house, may it burn down, on the 5th street to the left.” Two other people expressed similar derogatory views about the visitor’s kinsman. Finally they reached his home and received a warm welcome. Brown showed them around his spacious house and told them that he was recently elected the Chairman of the local Merchants’ Association. “Does the job pay well?” - asked the visitors. “It does not pay at all, but you gain stature and a lot of respect in the community.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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