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- THE PRIEST AND THE RABBI
- ARCHBISHOP VISITS BRITAIN. HIS FIRST QUESTION : Is there nightlife in London SISTERS OF MERCY
- SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
- GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. WELL, I’LL BE …
- THE PRIEST AND THE CHICKEN
THE GOLFING PREACHER There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday it was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said: “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty meters away. A perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said: “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” The Lord smiled: “Think about it – who can he tell?” NEWLYWEDS A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down, ordering and some chitchat the priest said: “Have you noticed that there are no women in this bar?” Then he realized the truth: “I think we're in a gay bar.” Just then, a man approached them and tried to flirt with the priest. The priest was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do. The minister leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded and walked off. The relieved priest said: “Thanks. What did you tell him?” The minister replied: “I just told him we're on our honeymoon.” THE KEY TO HEAVEN It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. “Oh, sister,” - said the young nun dreamily. “I've been saved.” “Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” - asked the old nun. “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.” “Did he now?” - said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued: “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.” “Is that a fact?” - said the old nun even more evenly. “At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.” “That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years!”
“ My son, after an exhaustive research, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.” The man thought: “Outside of young boys, what does a priest know of sex?” He went to a minister, a married and experienced man, for the answer. He queried the minister and received the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of year’s tradition and knowledge, a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question and stated: “My son, sex is definitely play.” The man replied: “Rabbi, how can you be so sure, when so many others told me sex is work?!” The Rabbi spoke softly: “If sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it.” FAMILY MATTER A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the sight of a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed: “Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,” - the nun said while patting his hand. “We do have to know, however, how do you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?” “No, I'm not,” - the man whispered hoarsely. “Can you pay in cash?” “I'm afraid I can't, Sister.” “Do you have any close relatives, then?” “Just my sister in New Mexico,” - replied the man, - “but she's a spinster nun.” “Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith,” - the nun replied. “They are married to God.” “Okay,” - the man said with a smile, - “then bill my brother-in-law.”
“Brother, this was a divine act! We could have been dead now, but here we are safe and sound. This must be a sign from the Almighty that we should become friends.” “Indeed, this must be the will of God!” - agreed the priest. “And look, even this bottle of kosher wine is unbroken. That means we must finish it.” “Right,” - said the priest, took a few healthy slugs from the bottle and returned it to his colleague. But the rabbi just shook his head. “Aren’t you going to drink?” “Maybe it would be better if I waited until the police arrive.”
“And so,” - said St. Peter, - “have you ever had any contact with a penis?” “Well,” - said the first nun in line, - “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.” “OK” - said St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.” The next Nun admitted that: “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and you know, sort of massaged one a bit.” “OK” - says St. Peter, - “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.” Suddenly there was some jostling in the line and one of the nuns was trying to cut in front. “Well now, what's going on here?” - said St. Peter. “Well, your Excellency,” - said the nun who was trying to improve her position in line, - “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.” TRADITION During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year-old man, one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man: “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?” The old man answered: “No, that is not the tradition.” The one whose followers sat said: “Then the tradition is to sit during Shema!” The old man answered: “No, that is not the tradition.” Then the rabbi said to the old man: “But the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit, or stand...” The old man interrupted, exclaiming: “THAT is the tradition!” ORTHODOX WEDDING A modern Orthodox couple, preparing for a religious wedding, met with their rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asked if they had any last questions. The man asked: “Rabbi, is it true that men and women don't dance together?” “Yes,” - said the rabbi. “For modesty reasons, men and women always dance separately.” “So at our wedding, I can't dance with my own wife?” “Absolutely not. It’s immodest.” “Well, okay,” - said the man, - “but what about sex?” “Fine,” - said the rabbi. “It is a mitzvah*, a good thing within the marriage to have children!” “What about different positions?” - the man asked. “No problem,” - said the rabbi. “It's a mitzvah!” “Woman on top?” - the man asked. “Sure,” - replied the rabbi – “go for it. Sex in a marriage is a mitzvah!” “Without clothes?” “Of course! It's a mitzvah!” “Doggy style?" "Why not? Another mitzvah!" “Even on the table?” “Yes, yes! It's a mitzvah!” "Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!" “Well, what about standing up?” “OH, NO! NO!” said the rabbi. “Why not???” asked the man. “Could lead to dancing!”
“Rabbi, you are such a wise and learned person, advise me what to do with my geese. They are dying off one by one.” “Change their water every morning.” Three days later Cohen returned to the rabbi: “Rabbi, my geese are still dropping.” “Give them some fresh oats.” Three days later Cohen returned once again: “Rabbi, the geese are still dropping dead.” “Try to whitewash their enclosure.” Three days later Cohen and the rabbi ran into each other: “Rabbi, every last one of my geese has perished.” “What a pity, I still have so many pieces of good advice left.” GIVING IT UP A golfer was in a competitive match with a friend, who was ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer thought to himself: “I'd give anything to sink this next putt.” A stranger walked up to him and whispered “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?” The golfer thought the man was crazy and that his answer would be meaningless, but also that perhaps this was a good omen and it will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and said: “OK.” – and sunk the putt. Two holes later he mumbled to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.” The same stranger moved to his side and said: “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugged his shoulders and said: “Sure.” And he made an eagle. Down to the final hole. The golfer needed yet another eagle to win. Though he said nothing, the stranger moved to his side and said: “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer said: “Certainly.” And he made the eagle. As the golfer walked to the club house, the stranger walked alongside and said: “You know, I've not really been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” – says the golfer. “My name is Father O'Malley and I'm a Catholic priest.”
“This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?” “Damned if I know,” – answered the Chief Rabbi. “I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out.” “Good idea,” – said the Pope. So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replied: "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
“I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.” EXACT QUOTE The archbishop was forewarned about the muckraking English journalists. So when he landed at Heathrow airport and one of the press representatives shot him a provocative question, he gave the most non-committed answer, as possible. The question was: “What is Your Eminence’s opinion of the night life in London?” The archbishop replied: “Is there any night life in London?” The next day the headlines in some of the tabloids were:
He thought it was just a figment of his imagination and drove on without second thought. Soon, he saw another sign which said: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. Suddenly, he began to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drove past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity got the best of him and he pulled into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbed the steps and rang the bell. The door was answered by a nun in a long black habit who asked: “What may we do for you, my son?” He answered: “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.” “Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He was led through many winding passages and was soon quite disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man: “Please knock on this door.” He did as he was told and it was answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. The nun instructed: “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He got $50 out of his wallet, placed it in the nun’s cup, trotted eagerly down the hall and slipped through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
“Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?” The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior, snapped: “It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man!” “Well, I’ll be,” – the man muttered and returned to his newspaper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized: “I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. Upon arriving in front of God she complained: “I thought you said I had another 30 years. God replied apologetically: “I’m so sorry. I didn’t recognize you.”
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady, all the way in the back, shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said: “I’ll take him and him and him.” CONVERSION A Jew converted and became a priest. He gave his first mass in front of a number of high-ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon a cardinal went up to congratulate him. “Pastor Lewis,” – he said, – “that was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time please don't start your sermon with, “Fellow goyim*...” * Plural of the Hebrew goy, meaning nation, one who is not Jewish, non-Jew. CHOICE A rabbi and a priest were seated together on a cross-country flight. An attractive flight attendant asked them if they would like cocktails. “Yes,” – the rabbi said. “I'd like a manhattan, please.” “No thank you,” – the priest said, turning to explain to his seatmate. “As a priest, I can't drink, or fornicate.” “Wait a second,” – the rabbi said, standing and waving to the flight attendant. “I didn't know I had a choice.” HATE Shlomo Birnbaum was crossing the street in Miami when he was hit by a bus and knocked unconscious. A Catholic Priest arrived about the same time the paramedics got there. Not knowing his religion, the Priest administered the last rites. Shlomo started to flutter his eyes and soon he was fully awake. The Priest told him about the last rites. Shlomo said: "Well, I am Jewish but what you did couldn't hurt." He couldn't wait to get home to tell his family about his experience. When he got there he said to his wife: "Sadie, you won't believe what happened to your husband today." She said: "I don't have time. I am late for a Hadassah meeting. Your T.V. dinner is in the oven. See you later." Shlomo then went to his daughter's room and said: "Darling, you should hear what happened to your father today." She said, "Daddy, I am on the phone with a friend planning a wedding shower. Please close the door." Shlomo then went to look for his son. "Son, let me tell you what happened today." The son said: "Dad, I am late for a date. I need the car and $100." So Shlomo went into the other room, shook his head and thought: "Here I am, a gentile for only two hours and already I hate three Jews."
“Has anybody got a cock?” all the men stood up. “No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?” all the women stood up. “No, No,” – he said, – “that wasn't either what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them.” Half the women stood up. “No, No,” – he said, – “that again wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?” Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up .
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring .... Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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