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- ECUMENICAL STORIES CONFESSIONATE LEAVE
- AS LONG AS YOU ARE AT IT
- THERE’S MUCH TO LIVE FOR
PICKY CUSTOMER Waiter: “May I get you a cup of tea?” Guest: “I don’t drink tea.” Waiter: “A cup of coffee?” Guest: “I don’t drink coffee.” Waiter: “A coke?” Guest: “I don’t drink coke.” Waiter: “A whisky with club soda” Guest: “I don’t drink club soda.” BOOZER’S LOGIC A drunk walked into a pub and said to the bartender: “Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour yourself one.” The bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.00. The drunk said: “Sorry, but I haven't got it.” The bartender slapped the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walked into the pub and once again said: “Buy everyone in the house a drink and pour one for yourself.” The bartender figured to himself that the man can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $37.00. The drunk said: “I haven't got it.” The bartender picked the guy up, gave him the hiding of his life and threw him out into the street. The next day the same drunk came back into the same pub and said: “Buy everyone in the house a drink.” In disgust the bartender said: “What, no drink for me this time?” The drunk replied: “No, you get violent when you drink.” STUBBORN FELLOW A man had been drinking at the pub all night. At closing time, the man stood up to leave and fell down. He tried it once more with the same results. He figured that if he would crawl outside, maybe the fresh air would sober him up. Once on the street, he stood up and fell down. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up, but fell down again. He managed somehow to unlock the door, crawled through it and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he managed to pull himself upright, fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning he was awakened by his wife standing next to the bed and shouting: “You pig! You have been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” – the man asked, putting on an innocent look. “They called from the pub – you left your wheelchair there again.” A SUFFERING FELLOW A pissed-off wife complained about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” – he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” - she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” – she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” – cried the husband. “And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!” DIFFERENT TREATMENT Harry had a bit of a drinking problem Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened to her and then asked: "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him: "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state: "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"
“No use knockin’ mate, there’s no paper in this one either.” TALKING CLOCK A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. “What's that big brass gong?” - one of the guests asked. “It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,” - the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?' - asked his astonished friend. “Yup,” - replied the drunk. “How's it work?' - the friend asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” - the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: “You butt-head! It's three-fifteen in the morning”. BAR BET A man walked into a bar, noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guessed that there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approached the bartender and asked: "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked: "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," - says the bartender, - "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gave the bartender $10, which he stuffed into the jar. "Okay," - said the bartender, - "here's what you need to do:” “First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man was stunned! "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," - said the bartender, - "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man had a few more drinks and finally said: "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabbed the bottle with both hands and drank it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down both his cheeks -- but he didn't make a face -- and he drank it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggered out the back door where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar heard loud growling, screaming and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they thought that the man surely must be dead, he staggered back into the bar. His clothes were ripped to shreds and he was bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly said: "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" LOSING IT ALL
ECUMENICAL STORIES CONFESSIONATE LEAVE The Catholic priest and the rabbi in the small town were the best of friends. After all, they were colleagues. One day when the priest was officiating in the confessional, the wife of one of his old parishioner’s phoned and told him that her husband is dying and is asking for him to be at his bedside. Faced with a problem the priest phoned the rabbi and asked him to come to the church urgently. When the rabbi arrived, the priest asked him to take over for him for an hour or so. The rabbi was flabbergasted: “What will your parishioners think of me, a rabbi in a priest’s seat?” “Nobody will notice. The confessional has a grating, so that the confessors are unable to see the person hearing their confessions,” - answered his colleague. The Jewish clergyman raised another objection: “But I don’t even know what to say and do!” “Just watch me and you will get the hang of it,” - said the minister The priest entered the confessional and closed the door. Soon a woman in her thirties approached, knelt down and whispered through the grille: “Father, bless me, for I have sinned!” “How many times have you sinned, my daughter?” - asked the priest. “Five times.” “Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s, sin no more and the merciful God will grant you an absolution.” The penitent woman rose, crossed herself and left the church. The priest came out and said to the doubtful rabbi: “You see it is quite simple. Maybe nobody else will even show up today. I promise to be back soon.” The rabbi entered the confessional, closed the door and waited. For a long while nobody came, but just as the returning priest came in through a side door, he saw a woman kneeling before the confessional. He overheard her saying: “Father, bless me, for I have sinned.” “How many times did you sin my daughter?” - asked the Jewish cleric. “Three times,” - answered the woman. “Then say five ‘Hail Mary’s and you may sin two more times.”
“What will you tell your Mother Superior now?” The sobbing sister: “That a brutish truck driver violated me twice.” The surprised trucker: “Twice? But I only did it once.” The nun apprehensively: “Why, are you in a hurry?” TONGUE-TIED Three young priests came to the railroad station, all wanting to go to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very shapely girl. Well-endowed, gorgeous, in fact quite amazing. The priests were quite embarrassed, so they flipped a coin to determine who would get the tickets. The first priest approached the window: “I would like three pickets to Titsburgh...”. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled. The second priest approached: “I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” - he began, - “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So of course he also fled. Then came the third: “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” - he continued,” - if you insist on dressing like this, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his peter at you.” NAME CALLING The local preacher came to pay a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night. As he approached the house, he heard the loud voices of many people gathered inside. He knocked on the door and when the owner opened it, he saw behind him, a circle of naked men, with a blindfolded woman moving from one to another, handling each man's package and guessing whose it was. Feeling quite embarrassed, the preacher stammered: “I'll come at some other time. I don't think I'd fit in here right now.” “Nonsense,” - the man replied. “Your name's been called three times already!” MERE DILETTANTES Dorothy went to the Franciscans for confession. One by one she acknowledged her offenses against the sixth Commandment: How many times she thought about the sinful deed, spoke about it and performed it with Tom. As penitence, the Franciscan priest meted her out five ‘Hail Mary’s. Said Dorothy wonderingly: “So little? Three weeks ago, confessing to the very same sins at the Capuchiners’ church, I got a much higher penitence.” “Capuchiners, Capuchiners,” – grumbled the good Father, – “what do they know about screwing.”
God hit the ball. The ball was swallowed in midair by a pigeon. A hawk swooped down on the pigeon. The hawk was hit by lightning and its carcass fell down to the earth. A fox ate the carcass and then went over to the hole and shit the ball in. Asked the exasperated St. Peter: “Now look here, are we playing golf, or just fooling around?” FISHING STORY One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said: “Wow!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!” The sister said: “Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.” The man said: “But that's the species of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.” The sister said: “Oh, ok.” The Sister took the fish back home and said: “Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.” Shocked, the Mother Superior said: “Sister, you know better than that.” The nun said: “That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.” So the Mother Superior said: “Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it.” While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said: “Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.” Nearly fainting, Monsignor said: “Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!” Mother Superior said: “But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish.” Monsignor said: “Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it.” That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table and he said: “Wow, what a nice fish.” In reply, the sister said: “Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.” And Mother Superior said: “I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.” And Monsignor said: “I cooked the Gauddam Fish.” The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked and said: “I like this fucking place already!”
“Don’t swear my son,” – said the priest – “rather pray!” The driver took the admonition to heart and said a brief prayer. Miraculously, the car started immediately. The surprised priest uttered: “What the hell!” THE SIXTH COMMANDMENT While taking his daily walk the rabbi encountered the priest, walking along with a mournful face. “What happened?” - he asked his friend. “Why the gloomy expression?” “My bicycle has mysteriously disappeared. It is not only that this was my only means of transportation, but I fear, that somebody from my flock may have taken it.” “Look here, you can easily find out, if this is so” - advised the rabbi. “Let the subject of this week’s sermon be the Ten Commandments and as you recite them one by one, stop at ‘Thou shall not steal!’ and repeat it several times, while looking at your congregation angrily. You will see that the bicycle will be returned the next day.” The two clerics met again on Monday. The rabbi eagerly asked the priest: “Did my advice help? Has the bicycle been returned?” “Yes and no,” - replied the priest with an even more doleful expression. “I started with the Ten Commandments and when I reached the sixth, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery!’ I suddenly remembered where I left the bicycle.”
“Tell me Doctor,” – he asked hopefully, –”is it possible to contract this disease in the Men’s Room?” “It is quite possible” – nodded the physician wisely, – “but not so comfortable.”
“Can you describe the different denominations in the Jewish religion? Answer: “At an Orthodox wedding the mother is in a family way, at a Conservative wedding the bride is expecting, whereas at a Reformist wedding, it is the rabbi who is pregnant.” THERE’S MUCH TO LIVE FOR I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said: “Stop! Don't do it!” “Why shouldn't I?” - he said. I said: “Well, there's so much to live for!” He said: “Like what?” I said: “Well...are you religious, or atheist?” He said: “Religious.” I said: “Me too! Are you Christian, or Buddhist?” He said: “Christian.” I said: “Me too! Are you catholic, or Protestant?” He said: “Protestant.” I said: “Me too! Are you Episcopalian, or Baptist?” He said: “Baptist!” I said: “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?” He said: “Baptist Church of God!” I said: “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” I said: “Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said: “Die, heretic scum!” – and pushed him off. NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS The daughter of an Irish family phoned from the big city: “Mummy, I must confess! I have become a prostitute.” The lines were bad and the mother hard-of-hearing. She shouted aghast: “What did you become?” “A prostitute, Mother! A hooker,” – elucidated the girl. “Thank God,” – sighed the mother. “I thought for a minute that you said ‘a Protestant.” VARYING THE DIET “Father Reilly,” – the mother superior reported, – “I just thought you should know that there's a case of syphilis in the convent.” “Oh, good,” – the priest replied. “I was getting quite tired of the Chablis.” MODERN TIMES Two priests discussed the wickedness of the young generation: “I did not sleep with my wife before our marriage?” – said one. “How about you?” “I don’t know. What was her maiden name?”
She asked him good-naturedly: “Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?” “Oh, sister,” – chuckled the rabbi, – “I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough.” TIPSTER Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned.” “What have you done Tommy O'Connor?” “I had sex with a girl.” “Who was it, Tommy?” “I cannot tell you Father, please grant me forgiveness me for my sin.” “Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?” “No Father, please forgive me for my sin, but I cannot tell you who it was.” “Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?” “No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.” “Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe.” “No, no, Father. Don’t ask me, just absolve me.” “Okay, Tommy, go say five Hail Mary’s, four Our Fathers and keep away from sin. These women will surely lead you to Hell.” So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. “What did ya get?”– asked Joseph. “Well I got 5 Hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers and 3 good tips.” VACATION One day God was talking to St. Peter: God: “Peter, I'm getting bored up here, do you have any ideas on what to do?” St. Peter: “How about a holiday? It's nice on Saturn at the moment.” God: “No… too much gravity, too much stomping around.” St. Peter: “How about somewhere lighter, like Mercury?” God: “No… too hot there.” St. Peter: “Somewhere in between then, maybe Earth?” God: “No… terrible gossips there. I went there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!” GLOATING Mother Superior: “Sisters! A disgraceful thing has happened.” 100 nuns (in unison): “Huuuh!” One nun (quietly): “Heee!”
Mother Superior: “A man was in our convent last night.” 100 nuns: “Huuuh!” One nun: “Heee!”
Mother Superior: “He visited one of the cells.” 100 nuns: “Huuuh!” One nun: “Heee!”
Mother Superior: “We even found a used prophylactic.” 100 nuns: “Huuuh!” One nun: “Heee!”
Mother Superior: “But there was a hole in it.” 100 nuns (in unison): “Heee!”
One nun (very quietly): “Huuuh!”
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out: “Oh, my God! Help me!” At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds: “I thought you didn't believe in me!” “Come on God, give me a break!” – the man pleaded, – “two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
“This is exciting,” - thought the man. “I’ve always wanted to meet the Pope.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the man was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” - thought the man. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, I can help him.” After a while, the Pope turned to the man and said: “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” Only one word leapt to mind. “Good grief,”- thought the man, - “I can’t tell the Pope that word. There must be another.” The man thought for a while and then it hit him. Turning to the Pontiff, he said: “I think you’re looking for the word ‘aunt’.” “Oh yeah,” - said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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