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HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME
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- PRACTICAL GIRL “Let’s picnic, Samantha,” – suggested the boy. “All right, Alfie,” – agreed the girl, – “but I would like to eat something first.” THE ONLY ONE
- OF COURSE “Am I the first man in your life” “Of course dear, but I wish I knew why it’s so important to all of you.” MISNOMER
- WARNING Girl to her boyfriend: “One kiss and Ill be yours forever.” The guy replied: "Thanks for the early warning." DWELLING ON THE PAST
- BUSINESS IS BUSINESS EAsy
HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Show up naked. AN OBVIOUS DIFFERENCE They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant. The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off, the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable. As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat. She scanned the menu yet again, and said: “To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, they may just bring the cart.” Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but also by the cost of all of this, he asked: “Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?” “Well, no,” – she admitted, – “but no one at home wants to sleep with me.”
“You look exactly like my third husband!” “How many times have you been married?” “Twice so far.” LANGUAGE PROBLEM It was summer at Lake Tahoe and a local boy met a German tourist. He invited her boating and they rowed out far into the middle of the lake. People ashore noticed that the boat didn’t move and seemed to be empty from afar. After a while, several men started swimming towards the boat. They almost reached it when a tousle-headed boy rose above the boat’s rim: “Hey men! Does anyone know what the meaning of ‘Noch einmal’ is?” PRACTICAL GIRL “Let’s picnic, Samantha,” – suggested the boy. “All right, Alfie,” – agreed the girl, – “but I would like to eat something first.” THE ONLY ONE Said the young woman to her suitor, who was whispering niceties into her ear: “Whom do you take me for? How many other women are you fooling around with?” “I swear my dear,” – protested the man his innocence – “you are the only one.”
“Don’t you remember me? We met at the zoo.” “Really? What cage were you in?”
“Did you really think I would dance with a child?” The young man apologized: “Excuse me Madam, I really didn’t know you were pregnant.” OF COURSE “Am I the first man in your life?” “Of course dear, but I wish I knew why it’s so important to all of you.” MISNOMER It was the spring of 1957 and Bobby went to pick up his date. He was a pretty hip guy, with his own car. When he arrived at the front door, the girl's father invited him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” – he said. “That's cool,” – said Bobby. Carrie's father asked Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replied politely that they would probably just go to the soda shop, or a movie. Carrie's father responded: “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.” Naturally, this came as a quite a surprise to Bobby – so he asked Carrie's Dad to repeat it. “Yeah,” – said the father, – “Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!” Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up and his plans for the evening were beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie came downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announced that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorted his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushed back into the house, slammed the door behind her, and screamed at her father: “DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
“If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by this young girl, all pulled a buck out of their wallet. The girl pulled up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she said: “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs.” The men being what they are, all took out a ten-dollar bill. The girl then pulled up her dress all the way to her legs in full. The conversation continued and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Now the young girl said: “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” All three forked over the money. The girl then turned to the window and pointed outside at a building they were passing. “See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!” SON-IN-LAW The hapless maiden did not have a boyfriend, so she bought herself a vibrator. She was just putting it through its paces, when her father walked in on her. “And what is my baby-girl doing?” - asked the doting father. “You know Daddy that I don’t have a lover, so I’m pleasing myself with this little gadget.” The old man muttered, but knew well how strong desire can be and left wordlessly. The next day the girl came home from work and saw her father sitting in the kitchen, with two bottles of beer and the vibrator on the table before him. “Dad, what are you doing?” “Just having a beer with my son-in-law.” TRYING TO PLEASE After a night out at a club, a young lady asked a man back for a cup of coffee, which was accepted gratefully. After a bit of small talk, the man asked: “Which way's the toilet?” “Well, if you don't mind,” - came the reply, -”it's upstairs, but my father's asleep and he's not been well. Would you mind using the sink in the kitchen, rather than risk waking him?” “Of course!” – said the young man, eager to impress. A few minutes later, the man walked back in and said: “Got any paper?” THE YOUNGER THE BETTER A young man came to the father of his beloved: “Sir, I respectfully request the hand of your daughter.” “Did you speak to my wife yet?” “Yes, I did, but if you don’t mind, I prefer your daughter.” TELEPATHIC WATCH A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to a good-looking woman. After a while he started to look at his watch. The woman noticed and asked him if his date was late. “No,” – he replied. “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and was about to test it.” “What does it do?” “It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.” “What’s it telling you now?” “Well, it says you’re not wearing a bra, or panties.” “Ha! Well, it must be broken, because I am!” “Darn thing must be an hour fast.” WONDERFUL WEEKEND A man and a woman walked into a very posh Rodeo Drive store. ''Show the lady your finest mink!'' - the fellow exclaimed. So the owner of the shop went in back and came out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tried it on, the owner discreetly whispered to the man: ''Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.'' ''No problem! I'll write you a check!'' ''Very good, sir,'' - said the shop owner. ''Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.'' So the man and the woman left. On Monday, the fellow returned. The storeowner was outraged: ''How dare you show your face in here?! There was not a single penny in your checking account!!'' ''I just had to come by'' – grinned the guy, – ''to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!'' BATTLE OF SEXES Three bachelors lived in a small apartment. One day one announced: “Boys, go tonight to a movie. I invited a lady home.” When the two returned home late at night, they noticed that some of the furnishings were out of place. “How many times?” - they asked. “Twice!” - came the ready answer. “And my guest once.” Some days passed. Now it was second guy’s turn: “Tonight I’ll have a lady guest. Go to a pub, or something.” In the morning the other two saw that the place was in a mess and asked their mate how did he make out. “Four times.” “And the dame?” “Twice.” In a few days it was the third man who ushered out his partners. In the morning the apartment looked like a battlefield. The other two asked their friend: “This must have been a hell of an engagement. How many times?” “Ten times.” “And the woman?” “She? She did not show up at all.” FOUR LETTER WORDS A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked: “How was the honeymoon?” “Oh, Mama,” - she replied, - “the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...” Suddenly she burst out crying: “But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language I’d ever heard before. I mean, all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home. Please mama!” “Sarah, Sarah,” - her mother said - “calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four letter words?” “Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” - wept the daughter. “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come and get me please!” “Darling baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four letter words!” Still sobbing, the bride said: “Oh mama, words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!” POINTS OF VIEW As the groom passed down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, the best man noticed that he has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man said: “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but you look so excited.” The groom replied: “I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.” Now the bride came walking down the aisle and she too had the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor noticed this and said: “Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.” The bride replied: “I have just given the last blowjob of my entire life.” SELF-EVIDENT Boy met girl at the nudist beach. Enchantment at first sight. Boy blurted out: “I love you!” Retorted the girl matter-of-factly: “I see.”
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy: “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. “Why aren't we going anywhere?” – asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25”.
"Hello sir," – she began. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," – he responded and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" – she asked. "First time since my wife passed away last year," – he replied. "Do you live around here?" – she asked. "Yes," – he answered, continuing to read. Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, whipped off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man: "How did you know that is what I wanted?" The man replied: "How did you know my name was Katz"?
He asked the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she got to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly: "What's that?" - pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said: "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked: "Is that all we have left?"
So that I could not scream. He brought me up to his room, So we would not be seen. He took off all my wrappings, And gazed upon my form. As I stood cold and shivering, He stood there hot and warm. He touched me with his feverish lips, And placed me on my rear. He made me what I am today, An empty bottle of beer. ORGAN PLAYERS While making love together for the first time, Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and lay back. “What’s wrong?” – he demanded. “Forgive me,” – she said, – “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough. “Forgive me,” – Joe replied, – “but it wasn’t meant to be played in a cathedral.“ ELEVEN A cop patrolling late at night in a well-known spot saw a couple in a car, with the interior light dimly glowing. The cop carefully approached the car to get a closer look. He saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also noticed a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop gently rapped on the driver's window. The young man lowered his window: "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop said: "What are you doing?"
"Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asked: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugged: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." Now, the cop was totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asked: "What's your age, young man?" The young man said "I'm 22, sir." The cop asked: "And her ... what's her age?" The young man looked at his watch and replied: "She'll be 18 years old in 11 minutes and 22 seconds!!!
It took the marriage broker a long time to find a suitable match, but finally he asked to visit the family again. He told them of a wonderful woman he had found. He said she was just the right age for the son...she kept a Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attended Schul and davened by heart...she was a wonderful cook ...she loved children and wanted a large family and to crown it all off, she was drop dead gorgeous. After hearing all this, the family was very impressed and began to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But the son paused and asked: "Is she also good in bed?" The marriage broker thought for a moment and answered: "Some say yes...some say no." THE BLACK PANTIES Anna had lost her husband almost 4 years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for a couple of weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wisconsin. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked: "Why the black panties?" She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?" He replied: "I want to offer my deepest condolences." FAMILIAR A man picked up a young woman in a bar and convinced her to come back to his hotel. When they were relaxing afterwards, he asked: "Am I the first man you ever made love to?" She looked at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," - she said. "Your face looks familiar." APPLE COMPUTER Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. SHARING Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries, or troubles." Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet."
The guy replied: "Thanks for the early warning." DWELLING ON THE PAST Before leaving for their honeymoon, the newlyweds decided not to discuss each other’s past. As the young bride was relaxing in a desk chair at the hotel’s swimming pool, her husband mounted the springboard and with a beautiful back double-somersault with one and a half twists, dived into the water. When he came out of the pool his amazed wife asked him: “Darling, where did you learn to dive like that?” “I thought that we agreed to let bygones be bygones, but if you want to know, I won a Gold Medal in diving.” After a while, she jumped into the water. She swam the length of the swimming pool five times at a record speed. Astounded, her husband queried her: “And where did you learn to swim like that, honey?” “Did not we agree not to discuss our past? Still, if you really want to know, I was a prostitute in Venice and worked both sides of the canal.” SEX EDUCATION Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class." Teacher: "Why?" Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral." IRISH VIRGINITY TEST Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said: “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.” Paddy asked: “And what do I do with these, doc?” The doc replied: “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw’, you hit her with the shovel.”
"I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine should I use?" Trainer: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym...” SOME LAWS OF SEX: * Sex is like snow: you never know how many inches you are going to get, or how long it is going to last. * Sex is hereditary, if your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either. * If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. * The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later. * The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. * Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs. * Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught. * Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. * Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. * Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. * After 2 a.m. there are no ugly women.
“No. For me you are already the past.” * “I want to make you happy!” “Then say bye!” * “It’s a nice dress that you’ve on.” “Thanks, but just remember that it stays on.” * “For your sake I would even go to the end of world.” “Fine and would you remain there if I asked you nicely?’ * “I’m a weight lifter.” “Swell, but don’t get overly confident. You will not be able to lift my skirt.” * “Would you like to have another drink?” “Do you really think that our relationship will last so long?” * “Did you have ever have dealings with a real man?” “No. Did you?” Brief ones: * “Excuse me Madam, I’m a stranger in this town. Can you tell me where do you live?” * “At the age of 17, the girls’ voice changes. Instead of ‘no’, they start saying ‘yes’”. * Question: “Why do women fake orgasms?” Answer: “Because they think guys actually care.” * Question: “What is the difference between a person about to commit suicide and a virgin?” Answer: “A suicide is trying to die and a virgin is dying to try.” * Question: “What is a décolletage?” Answer: “A low neckline with the help of which a young woman gets herself a husband and an elderly woman pneumonia.” BUSINESS IS BUSINESS EAsy Three contractors were touring the White House. One was from New York, another from Missouri and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they replied that they were contractors the guard said: “Hey, we need the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid.” So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said: “Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said: “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.” Then the guard asked the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor said: “$2700.” The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said: “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an high figure?” “Easy,” – said the contractor from New York, – “$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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