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- AT THE COURT-OF-LAW LOGICAL ASSUMPTION
- AT THE RESTAURANT YOU WIN SOME, YOU LOSE SOME A tourist in a restaurant in Cordoba decided to try an item prominently displayed on the menu: “
- IT DEPENDS “Waiter! Do you have tortoise soup” “Did you ever eat tortoise soup, sir” “No, never.” “Then we do have.” DIFFICULT CHOICE
- JEWISH A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked: "Is anything all right" SMART DECISION
- AT WORK THE BEST ANIMAL FOR THE JOB
- DAYDREAMING “Doctor, I talk in my sleep.” “And that troubles you” “Yes, the whole office is laughing at me.” JUST KIDDING
- BLONDES VITAL INSTRUCTIONS
BRIDGE PLAYERS The worst thing that can happen to you in a contract bridge game - besides losing - is getting stuck with a bad partner. The male partner in this particular game never let his female accomplice know what his cards were. When the man excused himself and disappeared into the bathroom, his partner took advantage of his absence, to vent her frustration: “You know,” - she declared to the other two players - “this is the first time tonight that I know for sure, what my partner has in his hand.” AT THE COURT-OF-LAW LOGICAL ASSUMPTION Every night, at the end of the performance, the actor had a few drinks with his friends and stayed with them at the artists' café, till the wee hours of the night. Then he slept in until noon and got up just in time for lunch. One day, he was required to testify in a traffic case and was ordered by the judge to show up at court at 8 o’clock in the morning, or face jail and a fine. He got up with difficulty, revived himself with a few cups of black coffee, washed, got dressed and finally managed to step out to the street. To his surprise, it was full of hurrying people and on the road, there was rush-hour traffic. The actor exclaimed: “Are so many people testifying at court today?” JUDGE NOT … A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked: “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded: “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot, when you haven’t the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.” The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She replied: “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace: “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!” FULLY-EQUIPPED The old geezer was brought before the judge and accused of illegal whisky distillation. They found the equipment in his house, but couldn’t quite prove that he was actually using it, so they just fined him $2,000. After the verdict was pronounced, the accused requested to make a statement: “Your Honor, I respectfully request that my fine be increased to $4,000.” “And what is it that you want to pay the additional $2,000 for?” “For sexually assaulting a lady.” “Did you do it?” “No, but I possess that piece of equipment too.” (A different version of this joke can be found in the WOMAN’S LIB Category). GOURMET A forest ranger caught a man sitting at a campfire and eating a bald eagle. The man was consequently brought before a court of law. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this: Judge: “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?” Man: “Yes I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened.” Judge: “Proceed.” Man: “I got lost in the woods, hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks and I was literally starving. Next thing I saw a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I thought that if I followed it I could maybe steal the fish. The eagle lighted upon a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the bird hoping it would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off and the rock hit the eagle squarely on its poor little head and killed it. I thought about what had happened, but figured that since I killed it, I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful than to let it rot on the ground.” Judge: “The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony.” 15 minutes went by and the judge returned. Judge: “Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.” The Judge then leaned over the bench and whispered: “If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?” Man: “Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl.”
The tourist came back the next Sunday with his friends and ordered Bull’s Balls for everyone. After a while their order had arrived, but the guest seemed unhappy. He called the waiter over and asked: “What on earth happened to your portions? The last time the balls were huge, but today they are minuscule.” “I am sorry, Señor,” - replied the waiter - “this time the bull won.” FINICKY CUSTOMER A man came into the restaurant and inquired what was on the menu. The waiter recommended the tongue in spicy sauce, but the customer declined: “I am not going to eat something that was in someone else’s mouth. Get me two poached eggs instead.” IT DEPENDS “Waiter! Do you have tortoise soup?” “Did you ever eat tortoise soup, sir?” “No, never.” “Then we do have.” DIFFICULT CHOICE “Waiter! Get me a couple of hot dogs without mustard.” “I’m sorry sir, we are fresh out of mustard. Would you like to have your hot dogs without horseradish?” JEWISH A waiter came over to a table full of Jewish women and asked: "Is anything all right?" SMART DECISION A man came into a restaurant and inquired of the head waiter: “That soup I had yesterday. Is there any left?” “Certainly, sir.” “Then I shall go to another restaurant.” AT WORK THE BEST ANIMAL FOR THE JOB With the price of fuel and spare parts constantly on the rise, the big industrial company decided it would be more economical to make all deliveries within the company by horse and wagon. Ads were published in the classified sections of all large newspapers but no candidates came forward. The ads were published again and at last someone applied for the vacant post. “But you are a dog,” - wondered the head of the Manager of Personnel. “Of course” - answered the candidate, - “but I am strong and ready to do the job of a horse. I am even willing to neigh and eat oats. I have a big family to support and I really need the job.” The canine applicant got the job and indeed fulfilled his task satisfactorily. A few months later there was a big burglary on the premises and the manager of Internal Security decided that if the guards had had a good dog, the burglars would have been frightened away. Again a ‘Wanted’ ad was published and after a while a horse came and applied for the vacant position. “I am ready to do anything a dog can do,” - said the equine candidate. “I can bark quite well, can subsist on bones and if necessary will even wag my tail”. The horse got the job and presumably did his job well enough. At least there were no additional burglaries at the company. One day the dog and horse met by chance in the dining room. “What are you doing here?” - asked the surprised dog. “I work as a watch-dog,” - answered the horse. “And what is your job in our company?” “I pull a wagon,” - said the dog. The two employees discussed their respective positions and decided that it would be advantageous for all concerned, if they swapped jobs. The dog took it on himself to arrange the matter with the Manager of Personnel. “I foresee no problem,” - he remarked. “Surely he will see that it is more reasonable if a dog does a dog’s job and a horse a horse’s job.” After a while the dog slouched back with a dejected face, ears down, tail between his legs. “What happened?” - asked the horse. “What happened is that the job of Manager of Personnel was given to a donkey!”
“And what starting salary were you looking for?” The candidate said: “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the package of benefits.” The HR Person said: “Well, what would you say to a package containing 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental insurance, company matching retirement fund to 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say a red Toyota?” The candidate sat up straight and said: “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said: “Certainly, ...but you started it.” PROMOTION The young American executive arrived home all excited and shouted to his wife at the door: “You should congratulate me. I have been promoted to VP.” “Big deal!” - answered the wife disparagingly. “Just today I heard at the supermarket that they have a VP for plums.” “No, you are putting me on!” “If you don’t believe me, you can phone and ask them. The husband phoned the supermarket and asked to speak to the VP for plums. “Which one of them?” - asked the switchboard operator. “The VP for fresh plums, canned ones, or prunes?”
"Have you been in the service?" "Yes," - he said. "I was in Viet Nam for three years." The interviewer said: "That will give you extra points toward employment". Then he asked: "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy said: "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off." The interviewer told the guy: "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 9:00 A. M. The guy was puzzled and said: "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 9:00 A. M?" "This is a government job," - the interviewer replied. "For the first hour we just sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that.” WELL CONNECTED The president of the company called for one of his subordinates: “Congratulations young man! I’ve never seen such a quick advancement within our organization. You started half-a-year ago as a simple clerk, in two months you made department manager, in three additional months, division manager and now I’m happy to advise you that you have been appointed as vice-president. What do you say?” “It’s really nice of you Dad!”
“Why is he shouting?” – he asked the secretary. “He is talking to London.” “Then why doesn’t he use the phone?” DAYDREAMING “Doctor, I talk in my sleep.” “And that troubles you?” “Yes, the whole office is laughing at me.”
“Albert, we were just kidding. You didn’t win the first price on the lottery.” GOOD REFLEXES A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager: "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce" - as he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added - "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy: "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," - the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand?" - the manager asked. The boy said: "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" - replied the manager," - my wife is from New Zealand!" "Really?" - replied the boy," - who'd she play for?"
At the office New Year party, the director’s wife, with an ironic smile, said to the attractive secretary: “How nice for you dearie, that you married at last. Since then my husband hardly ever does overtime.” MATHEMATICAL HELP The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Kentucky, I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment and then replied: "Everything but my earrings." And that's exactly why he hired her!
"Is this a union house?" "No," - she replied, - "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," - she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded: "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" - the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," - he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," - said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, - "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." SICK LEAVE A woman called her boss one morning and told him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" - he asked. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," - she said in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today.”
“Tell me sweeties, what is going on here? Why are you moving everything?” Somebody answered here: “Granny, do not worry, we are changing everything in accordance to feng shui practice and then sales will rocket sky high.” “My darlings, did you know that many years ago in these same premises there functioned a brothel? At those days, when sales plummeted, they did not move the beds around. They simply replaced the whores.”
“No, no,” - protested the girl, - “I shall die, if you take it off.” The coiffeur started on her hair and on reaching the girl’s ears, asked again, if she would consent to remove her earphones. The girl refused once again. The hairdresser tried to work his way around the offending obstacles but cut one of the wires by accident. No more than a minute had passed and his client dropped dead. After all efforts to revive her had failed, someone took the cassette out of the Walkman and inserted it in the shop’s tape deck. The machine was switched on and they all listened to the recording: “Inhale!” “Exhale!” “Inhale!” “Exhale!”
“Do something to prove them wrong! You could for example learn by heart all the state capitals.” The girl thought that this was a great idea and for two weeks running studied like one obsessed. Soon afterwards she went to a party and overheard a man making some dumb blonde comments. Indignantly she declared: “I'm not a dumb blonde and I can prove it. I can name all the state capitals!” As the guy didn't believe her, she dared him to test her. He asked: “What's the capital of Montana?” The blonde drew herself up proudly and said: “That's easy! It's M!” FIRE ALARM A little old lady phoned the fire department: “Please come quickly, there’s a fire in my house.” “All right, where is it?” “In the kitchen.” “I understand, but how do we get there?” “Don’t you have that big red fire-engine anymore?” NO WAY OUT It was the pretty new blonde stewardesses' first flight on that particular route. Due to its length, the crew had to stay over in another city. On arrival, the crew was driven to a hotel, had dinner and it being the end of a long day, they all retired to their rooms. The next morning, as the crew gathered in the hotel lobby for their pick-up to the airport, the captain noticed that the new stewardess was missing. He called up her room number, wondering what happened to her. In a broken voice the girl complained that she was unable to get out of her room. The captain was flabbergasted: “Why can't you get out of your room?” – he asked. The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” – she sobbed, – “one is the bathroom, one is the closet and the third has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb!’” INDEFINITELY DELAYED Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced: “One of our engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.” Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will take two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.” An hour later the Captain announced: “One more engine has failed and the flight will last three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.” One blonde looked at the other and said: “If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.” CONDOMS A blonde came into a pharmacy to buy condoms. She was embarrassed about her purchase, but finally conjured up enough nerve to approach the clerk at the checkout counter. “That will be $11.99 plus tax,” - the clerk declared. “Tacks?” - screamed the blonde, - “I thought you just rolled them on!”
“I would like to buy this TV,” - she told the salesman. “Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman: “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied. “Darn, he recognized me,” - she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, etc. “I would like to buy this TV,” - she stated upon her return to the store. “Sorry, we don't sell to blondes,” - he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed: “How do you know I'm a blonde?” “Because that's a microwave,” - he replied.
“Now I need someone that I can prove to that I am smart.” So, she found a sheep farmer and asked him: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, will you give me one?” The farmer said: “Sure, there's no way you can guess that.” So, the girl thought a while, then said: “You have 356 sheep on your farm.” “That's amazing!” – the farmer said, – “how could you possibly know that?” “Us intelligent people just know these things.” Then she took her sheep and started to load it in her car, when the farmer walked over to her. “Ma'am, if I can tell you your real hair color, will you give me my dog back?” THE OTHER SIDE So there was this blonde out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoohoo” – she shouted, – “how can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looked up the river, then down the river, then shouted back: “You are on the other side.” IT’S A GUY THIS TIME A blonde guy got home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What's going on here?” – he asked. “I'm having a heart attack,” – cried the woman. He rushed downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he was dialing, his 4-year old son came up and said: “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!” The guy slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there was his best pal, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. “You IDIOT!!!” – shouted the husband, – “my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!” THE WRONG KIND The newly married blonde was at the drug store looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk asked her if she needed assistance. “I'm looking for some deodorant for my husband, but I don't know what type he uses.” The clerk said: “Is it a ball type? “ “No,” - said the woman, - “it's for his underarms.”
“God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night came and somebody else won it. Babbette again prayed: “God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night came and Babbette still had no luck. Once again, she prayed: “My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Babbette was overwhelmed by the voice of God Himself: “Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.” Download 2.74 Mb. Share with your friends:
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