Avri robert shacham joke categories

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said:

"Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said:

"What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said:,

"CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to its feet ate the cookies drank the milk shit on the paper screwed the other three cats claimed he injured his back while doing so filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Sunday morning, he asked the centipede in the box:

"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, since he was assured by the pet store that the centipede would talk once he got it home and it was comfortable with its surroundings. He waited a few minutes and then asked again:

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, contemplating the situation. He decided to ask it one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's box and shouting:

"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!?"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".

“His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said:

"Watch this."

He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to its seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", turned to the man and said:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the

"Say, that's pretty neat" - replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time, he placed TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent said:

"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" - said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat

"What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied:

"He just found a bomb!"

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice:

"It's your fuel pump."

The man rose up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" - he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated:

"It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

"Gimme a large whiskey, please!" - he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked:

"What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," - the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.

"A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied in the affirmative.

"Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," - said the rancher, "because that black horse doesn't know a thing about cars.

“Shall we walk, or get a dog?”

“Please turn aside!”

From the right another megaphone boomed:

“You turn aside!”

From the left again:

“Swerve immediately!”

From the right:

“I won’t, you swerve!”

From the left:

“For the last time, turn away, this is H.M.S. dreadnought ‘The Invincible’!”

From the right:

“And this is a lighthouse.”

“What is it that you are in here for son?”

“Piles, Sir.”

“And what is the treatment you are receiving?”

“Swabbing, three times a day.”

“Do have you any complaints, or requests?”

“Thank you, Sir, everything is just fine.”

In the same manner, the general stopped at every patient’s bedside and asked the same questions. As it happened, in this particular department, all four patients he visited, had hemorrhoids and they all answered similarly. Finally, the general reached the bed of the fifth patient.

“I am here with a bad throat-infection,” – whispered the soldier, in response to his superior’s question.

“And what is the treatment prescribed for you?”

“Swabbing, three times daily.”

“Do have you any special requests?” – continued the general with his routine.

“I have. I would very much prefer, if they would start the swabbing-rounds with me.”
ONE LESS WORRY
The sergeant major appeared with a radiant face before the grunts training in the desert:

“I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Start with the bad news.”

“20 trucks are soon arriving and you will have to fill them up with sand.”

“And what are the good news?”

“That you shouldn’t worry, there is enough sand.”

“At 1,000 meters pull string No. 1. In the very rare case that your parachute doesn’t open, string No. 2 is provided as a backup and pulling that will get you safely to the ground. A lorry will wait for you there and take you back to camp.”

A trainee jumped, pulled string No. 1. The parachute didn’t open, so he pulled string No. 2 and again nothing happened.

“Typical!” – grumbled the trainee, – “I won’t be surprised if the lorry isn’t waiting either.”

“Attention! Soldiers whose parents were squashed by a steamroller, take one step forward!”

Of course, none of the soldiers budged and the sergeant thundered again:

“Private First Class Jones, don’t you understand a direct command when you hear one?”

“I simply must have a woman. Any type will do, young, old, fat, thin, ugly – it does not matter, as long as it is a female. Can you get me one?” – he asked.

At first the orderly just shook his head, but when his superior officer kept badgering him, he came up with a suggestion:

“What about that Chinese cook in the kitchen? He has a nice, fat behind. Wouldn’t he do, Sir?”

The colonel shuddered at the suggestion and told the orderly to forget it. A few more weeks passed and the colonel became desperate. He called his orderly in again and said:

“It seems that there is no other choice. Please arrange for me to meet that cook, but I don’t want anybody else to hear about it.”

“Impossible, Sir,” - replied the aide. “Besides us two and the Chink, at least four more soldiers will have to know about your assignment.”

“Who the hell are those four others you are bringing in?” – asked the officer in exasperation.

“We need them to hold down the cook, because he does not like to be fucked.”
BAD EYES
Phil was a pacifist and did not want to bear arms against anybody. Mostly, he did not want to be in the Army. So, when his time came to be conscripted, he wore dark glasses and feigned almost total blindness. The ophthalmologist showed him various charts, but when it seemed that Phil was unable to discern even the biggest script, he was discharged from the army. To celebrate the event Phil went to the movies. During the pause in the film, when the lights came on, whom does our man see in the seat next to him, if not his eye doctor? A lesser person would have panicked, but not Phil. without missing a beat, he asked the doctor:

“Excuse me, Madam where does this bus go to?”

“What is so funny in that I helped a coward to make up his mind?” – asked the officer.

“That was our pilot!” – said the other wiping off his streaming tears.
THE SERGEANT MAJOR
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”  

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:

“It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”  

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said:

“You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”  

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:

“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! "

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:

“Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:

“I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
DRILL SERGEANT
The Marine Drill Sergeant noticed a new recruit and barked at him:

"Get your ass over here!! What's your name?" 

"Paul," - the new recruit replied.

 "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy bull-shit they teach in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," - the sergeant growled. "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my recruits by their last names only..... Smith , Jones , Baker. I am referred to only as ‘Sergeant’. Do I make myself clear?"

 "Yes sir, sergeant!"

 “Now that we’ve got that straight, what's your last name?"

 The recruit sighed:

"Darling, My name is Paul Darling."

 "Okay Paul, here's what I want you to do."
THE CHANGE
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announced:

“I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. You're going to change your underwear.”

The troops started cheering at the news.

“Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy.....”

"Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered:

"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3^rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3^rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks has had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he'll give the boy a test. If he fails to answer any of his questions he's to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in, the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her:

"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal:

"Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment replied: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks:

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Harry said:

"Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks:

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks:

"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher:

"Put Harry in the 5th grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......"
daily routine
A father on a business trip, passing through his son's college town late one night, thought he would pay the boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window:

“Whattya want?”

“Does Tom Flaherty live here?” – asked the father.

“Yeah!” – replied the voice. “Dump him on the front porch and we'll take care of him in the morning.”

“In English,” – he explained, – “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,” – the professor continued, – “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah, right.”

“What is your book about?” - asked the passenger in the seat next to him.

“It is about the study of ‘Logic’”.

“And what exactly is logic?” - insisted his neighbor.

“I can try and explain,” - replied the student. “Do you happen to have an aquarium?”

“As a matter of fact, I do,” - replied his fellow passenger.

“Then you probably have some fish in it.”

“I do.”

“You could say that.”

“If you like animals then you probably like people too,” - pressed on the student.

“Of course I do,” - replied the passenger, curious where this was all leading to.

“If you like people in general then you must like women too.”

“That I certainly do.”

“If so, then logically you are not a homosexual,” - summed up the young man. “Do you now understand what ‘Logic’ is all about?”

“I think I got the idea.”

After a while the bus arrived at its destination and the passengers went on their ways. The passenger entered a bar and ordered a beer. Nursing his glass and happy with his newly acquired knowledge he said to the barman:

“I learned a terrific new word today.”

“What is the word?”

“Logic,” - replied the erstwhile passenger.

“And what does it mean?” - inquired the barman, just to keep the conversation going.

“I can explain,” - said his patron. “Do you have an aquarium?”

“No,” - replied the barman.

“Then logic says you are gay.”

“There is only one Mother!”

Moishe’le’s paper read:

“Mother sent me to get some eggs from the fridge, but I told her:

'There is only one, Mother!”
COMEBACK
A college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, or a serious personal injury, or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked:

"What would you say if tomorrow I said that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head and sweetly said:

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

"Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents and they will go and tell the principal and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again:

"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open and she said to those around her:

"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class:

"Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously and said:

"The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said:

"Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued:

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

First, you have a dirty mind.

Second, you didn't read your homework.

And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”

“What is the difference between a pedagogue and pedophile?”

Answer:

“Pedophiles like children.”

"Did you see anything you liked under there?"

"Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

“Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

A little worried, Bill's wife answered:

"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked:

"And did he give you $500?"

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering up her best poker face, replied:

"Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying:

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."