Avri robert shacham joke categories

“I wish to make a deposit, but beforehand I'd like to meet with the President of the bank.”

The clerk was about to explain that this was quite impossible, when a quick look showed that there were over a million dollars in cash in the sack! Flabbergasted, he called upstairs to the President's office and explained the situation to his secretary, who relayed it to her boss. The old lady was ushered upstairs into the President’s office and introductions were made. Wondering how this old lady had come by such a tidy sum, the President inquired:

“Are you in the stock market?”

“No.”

“Play the horses then...?”

“I see,” - said the President.

“As a matter of fact”, - continued the old lady, - “I will wager you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 9 o'clock your balls will be square!”

Speculating that he could not possibly lose this bet, the President said:

“I'll have to take you up on that one!”

He and the old lady shook hands and parted company. The President was very careful the rest of the day and to avoid risk, did not go out that evening. Next morning as he was showering, he checked himself and all was as it should be. He went to work humming. At exactly 9 o'clock the old lady was again shown into the President's office, only this time accompanied by a distinguished looking gentleman in an expensive suit. The woman explained:

“This is my attorney. I always bring him along when dealing in large sums.”

The President acknowledged the lawyer and then said:

“Well I hate to tell you this, but I am the same as yesterday only $25,000 richer!”

The old lady asked for proof and in light of the sum involved, the President agreed to drop his trousers to allow the old lady to grasp his scrotum. At this point the attorney started to bang his head against the President's desk with vigor.

“What's wrong with him?” - asked the President.

“Oh him”, - said the woman, - “I bet him $100,000 yesterday that by 9.15 tomorrow I would have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls!”

“I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”

An Irish boy put his hand up and said:

“Please miss, it was St Patrick.”

The teacher said:

“Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said:

“Please miss, it was St. Andrew.”

The teacher replied:

“I’m sorry Ian, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said:

“Please miss, it was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said:

“That’s absolutely right Daniel, come up here and I’ll give you your $2.”

As the teacher was giving Daniel his money, she said:

“You know Daniel, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ,”

To which Daniel replied:

“I know Miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”

The loan officer said:

“We were very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzled us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The man replied:

“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?”
The same joke really, but the action and venue are completely different.
A BARGAIN
An elderly couple came to a sex therapist’s office asked him to watch their copulating technique. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said:

“As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” – and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the fee and leave. Finally the doctor asked:

“Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The man replied:

“We are not trying to find out anything. My friend here is married and we cannot go to her house, I’m married too and we cannot go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108, we do it here for $50 and I get back $43 from Medicare.”
NIPPLES
A fellow was taking a tour of a factory that produced various latex products. At the first stop, he was shown the machine that manufactured baby-bottle nipples. The machine made a loud hiss-pop noise.

“The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould,” – explained the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reached the part of the factory where condoms were manufactured. The machine made a noise:

“Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!”

“Wait a minute!” – said the man taking the tour. “I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what is that 'pop!' every so often?”

“Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” – said the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can't be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business”.

"Begorrah, Colleen," - said her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replied:

"Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend was over, Colleen returned to the bright lights, but she was back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she stepped out of the taxi, she was wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom............same "Won it at bingo!"

Then Colleen returned to the bright lights again. A few months later, she was back again. And this time she was sporting a beautiful emerald diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She handed her mother 1,000 pounds and explained that she won it all in bingo. Then she asked Mom to run her a bath, as she needed to freshen up.

Her Mom drew the bath while Colleen got undressed in her bedroom, but when she got to the washroom, there was only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, called downstairs:

"Mom! Sure now didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin" - replied her Mom - "but we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

"What can I do?

"The Colonel said:

"I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replied:

"I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hanged up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panicked and called again:

"Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded:

"It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words."

So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel got desperate:

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us

The Pope replied:

"Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his cardinals and said:

"I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The cardinals rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news.

The Pope replied:

"The bad news is that we are going to lose the Wonder Bread account."

"Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered:

"Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said:

"Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

A lady died this past January and the bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

A family member placed a call to the bank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member:  "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer): "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Brief one:
* Question: What did the insurance salesperson say when he first met Adam and Eva?

Answer: "I see that you are not covered"

“Mornin' stranger, what can I do for you?”

“Well sir, we are paid by private companies to canvas consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?”

“I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away young man.” - said the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asked:

“Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?”

“Yes sir, for as long as I can remember.”

“Great, now what exactly do you use it for?” - said the survey-taker, pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.

“Let's see, .....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex.”

The well-dressed man stopped writing abruptly. He looked around, leant forward and in a low voice said:

“We pride ourselves on being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?”

“No problem,” – the homeowner replied, whispering too, – “we put it on our bedroom doorknob.”

The survey-taker got a strange look on his face and took a step backwards before the homeowner continued: “It keeps the kids out.”

“Excuse me, what is the price of such a cigar?”

“$35, this is a real Cuban cigar,” - was the answer.

“And how many of them do you smoke every day?” - continued the other one.

“About ten.”

The man was probably good with figures, because within a minute he blurted out:

“But that is more than $126,000 a year. Imagine, if you just gave up smoking, you could buy a house like that one on the other side of the street, within a few years.”

Now it was the other man’s turn to ask:

“Do you smoke?”

“No,” - came the prompt reply.

“And do you own such a building?”

Again the answer was negative. The lights changed and as the two started across the street, the well-dressed gentleman wound up their conversation:

“Well, I don’t know about giving up smoking, but that building there belongs to me.”
RETIREMENT PRESENT
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mailbox in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was very satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained:

“When I called my husband ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said: 'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea.”

“Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied:

“I see millions and millions of stars.”

“And what does that tell you?”

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it tells me that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute and then spoke:

“Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent.”

“You should complain! I have to make the return journey too.”

“You've got to have a room somewhere,” - he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don't care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” - admitted the manager -”and he might be glad to split the cost, but to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” - the tired Marine assured him. “I'll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How'd you sleep?” - asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed.

“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” - said the Marine.

“How'd you manage that?” - asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” - the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful' and he sat up all night watching me.”

"You've been such exemplary statues," - he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," - said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said:

"Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved and it read as follows:                       

  "RETURNED UNOPENED"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy said:

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief pause:

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl came back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy said:

"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

“No, this is 486-5713.....”

“Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!”

"Do you know me?"

To which she replied:

"I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind traveled back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and said:

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looked into his eyes and said calmly:

"No, I'm your son's teacher"

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him:

"Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied:

"Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" - asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him:

"Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied:

"Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many, many years."

The clerk asked:

"Was it before, or after the Epstein Fart?"