Avri robert shacham joke categories

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought:

"That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman:

"I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said:

"Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said:

"Sure."

"Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked:

"How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said:

"Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said:

Joe was astonished:

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked:

"How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said:

"Sure."

"Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed:

"Ah ha, got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head:

"You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

ALWAYS get a second opinion...
PERCEPTIVE DIAGNOSTICIAN
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained:

"I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said:

"Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said:

"You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed half a dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick,"

"Huh," - the younger doctor said, - "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.

"I'm feeling terribly run down lately,"

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," - the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps,"

As they left, the elder doc said:

"Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

 

DO YOU KNOW?
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her:

"Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," - she replied, - "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," - said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" - he asked.

"Yes," - the woman said, - "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.

"Correct," - replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked:

"Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," - she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

 

BEHIND THE MASK

"Nurse", - he mumbled, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

"I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that something might happen to him from worry about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.  She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she took a close look and said:

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

“It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

“Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued:

“Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
THE ENVIRONMENTALIST
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see of he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded:

"What took you so long?"

He smiled and than told her:

"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

ROOM 302
Anyone who has ever been in a hospital, or had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: A woman called a local hospital:

"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse"

The voice on the other end said:

"What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said:

"What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said:

"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member, or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."

“I fell that I must tell you: You are a very sick man. I’m sure you would want to know the facts. I don’t think you have much time left. Now, is there anyone you would like to see?”

Bending down toward the sick man, the doctor heard him softly answer:

“Yes.”

In a little stronger tone, the patient said:

“Another doctor.”

PERFECT SCORE
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, the gynecologist decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying:

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said:

"During the exam, you  took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.  You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say:

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."
PRACTICING HIS ART
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man turned and snarled:

"Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," - said the guy, - "you see, I'm a Chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art."

"'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!' - the guy replied. "I work for Revenue Canada. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

"Doc, there's something wrong with me," - he said. "Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure," - the doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands."
SHRINK
A man went to a shrink and said:

"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," – said the Doctor, - "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

FOUR-LETTER WORD
A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asked him how he is feeling:

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,"- he answered.

"What word was it?" - asked the nurse.

"OOPS!" 

The Allergists voted to scratch it.

The Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration!!!

"Can you give me some more details about this?" - he asked the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorted through his files and replied:

"Oh yes, here it is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist’s examination. There's an annual salary of £45,000 but you're going to have to go to Glasgow."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No, that's the end of the queue."

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the doctor:

"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" 

 The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 

"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." 

"And what about the third rose?"- she asked.

“That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
HOLE
London – at a gynecological clinic. A lady was being examined in the gynecological chair, but her doctor was just shaking his head.

“It is quite evident… Bern. I’m going to get my colleague.”

They both had a good look and the other specialist also uttered:

“Typical Bern. We must show this case to the department head."

The professor nodded his head in assent:

“Definitively Bern! You don’t see such a phenomenon very often.”

The terrified patient whispered:

“Tell me please Doctor, what does it mean for me? What kind of diagnosis is ‘Bern?”

“Clearly, you have never been in Bern. It is a terrible hole.”
the harley mechanic and the cardiologist
 A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle, when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:

“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked:

“So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

“Try doing it with the engine running.”

"It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered:

"What miracle? .  .  . He gave me a longer cane.."

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" - the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 65 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?"
pSYCHIATRISTS VS. BARTENDER


Ever since I was a child, I have always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him I've got problems.

“Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” - said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears”.

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” - replied the doctor. 

“I'll sleep on it,” - I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” - he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!”

“Is that so?” - with a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!!”

SCREW THE SHRINKS. HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!

"In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first thing is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," - he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid.”

“Thank God, at last a face!”

* A lady phoned her internist:

“Doctor, have I by any chance, left my panties at the clinic?”

Upon receiving a negative answer, she muttered to herself:

“Then I must have left them at the dentist’s!”

* Question:

“Why does the gynecologist use two fingers during his examination?”

Answer:

“He wants a second opinion.”

* Question:

“What is it? Has a wet nose and wears spectacles?”

Answer:

“A shortsighted gynecologist.”

“Yes, what can I do for you?”

The obviously drunken person on the street said:

“Finally! Do you have some blue ink?”

“Sir, this is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ink here and this is the middle of the night.”

With that, the pharmacist closed the wicket and went back to his interrupted dream. He had barely fallen asleep, when the bell rang once more. He got up again, opened the small window and saw the same man standing there:

“Do you have any blue ink?” - he asked.

“I told you already we don’t have any ink at all,” - said the pharmacist angrily and slammed the window. This time about half an hour passed before the bell rang again. Once again it was the same man, but before the furious pharmacist could utter a word, the drunkard spoke up:

“I know, I know, you don’t have any ink,” - he said and extended his hand with a small bottle in it, - “so I brought you some.”