Avri robert shacham joke categories

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said:

"Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized:

"Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said:

"Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory."

"Oh that" – he said, – "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."

The woman was still a bit upset by this and was pondering her position when the screaming started again. This time it was louder and more blood curdling than before. She called St. Peter again to find out what is happening to the woman now.

"Oh that" – he said, – "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."

The woman decided that she wants out and told St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.

"Are you sure you want to go there?" – he said. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse."

"That's okay" – said the woman. "I already have the holes for that."
MONASTERY OF SILENCE
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The priest who received her, said:

"Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her:

"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said:

"Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," – the priest said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the priest called Sister Mary Katherine:

"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," – said Sister Mary Katherine and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office.

"You may say two words today."

" I quit," – said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," – said the priest, – "you've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
BETTING
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said:

"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining 16 holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said:

"No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro asked:

"Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation", - the priest replied. "And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

"Father .. during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied:

"That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said:

"By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ..."

"And what is that?" - asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

"Good morning ladies."

The novices replied:

"Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other:

"I think she got out on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with:

"Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard:

"She got out on the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary:

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior… It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

HINDUISM: This shit happened before.

ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserve it.

JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to us?

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." 

The priest said:

"Confess your sins and be forgiven." 

The young woman said:

"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said:

"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." 

The young woman asked:

"Will this cleanse me of my sins?" 

The priest said:

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

"Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said:

"Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," - the nuns asked with earnest, - "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."

She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said:

"Don't sell that cow."
GADGETRY
  A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course, my child. What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem; I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions," - and she gave him the 'hair remover.'

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked:

"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son," – he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked:

"And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied:

"I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said:

"Go ahead Father. ................Next!"
TOO MANY JEWS
An old Jewish lady was sitting in a restaurant sipping tea. At the next table three nuns discussed where to go for a vacation. The second nun said to Mother Superior:

"Let's go to Jerusalem."

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The third nun said to Mother Superior:

“Let's go to New York.”

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The second again spoke and said:

“Let's go to Los Angeles.”

Mother Superior said:

"No, too many Jews there."

The little Jewish old lady leant over and said with a Yiddish accent:

"Vell, vhy don't you go to hell, dere are no Jews there!!!"

"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" - asked God.

"I could eat," - Mother Teresa replied.

So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal.

Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked:

"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it.”

God sighed:

"Let's be honest Terry," - he said, "For just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."

The man, who was a priest, said:

"I am a Father."

The little boy replied:

"My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered:

"I am the Father of many."

The boy said:

"My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said:

"I am the Father of hundreds" - and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said:

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

"What type of bra?" - asked the clerk.

"Type?" - inquired the man. "There's more than one type?”

"Look around," - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded:

"It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

How could you do this?!"

"I was outside the store looking at the dress in the window and then I found myself trying it on," - she explained. "It was like Satan was whispering in my ear, 'You look fabulous in that dress. Buy it!'"

"Well," - the pastor replied, "You know how I deal with that kind of temptation. I say, 'Get behind me, Satan!'"

"I did," - replied his wife, - "but then he said, 'It looks fabulous from back here, too!'"

THE RABBI'S CHILDREN
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the rabbi's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much his additional children were costing the synagogue. Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd:

"Children are a gift from God," - he said.

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said:

"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said:

"Amen".
SUNDAY SCHOOL
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week. On one Sunday, an out-of-town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said:

"Hey, how about you and me having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why Yes, that would be nice," - the lady responded. The gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested:

"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," - said this fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever would I tell my Sunday school class?"

Our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked:

"Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my, goodness no," - said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday school class if I  did?"

Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with:

"Ahhh .  mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," - she said with anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U- turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought:

"What the heck have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded:

"I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"

The lady said:

"The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.'"

"May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk said:

"What denomination?"

"Oh my G_d," - the woman said, - "has it come to this? Give me 16 Orthodox, 22 Conservative and 12 Reform."
DAMNED GOOD

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said:

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said:

"Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said:

"I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said:

"No shit?"
THE PASTOR'S ASS
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won
again.

The local paper read:

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun, that she would have to get rid of

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the

Alas; the bishop was buried the next day.

Moral of the story? Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much
grief and misery and even shorten your life. So, be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll live longer and be a lot happier!
MARTIAN STORY
Two astronauts landed on Mars.  Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.

"Give me the box of matches" - said one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."

He took the box and was ready to strike a match when out of the blue a Martian appeared waving    all his arms:

"No, no, don't!" 

The two guys looked at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars? Still, the first one took up again the match. Now a crowd of hysterical Martians came, all waving their arms:

"No, no, don't do that!" 

"It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But we're here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars".

He stroke the match, which flamed up, burned down, and..... nothing happened.

"Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"

The leader of the Martians said:

"It is Shabbos today!"
TURBULENCE
A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said:

"You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied:

"Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest:

"Were you gambling, Father?"

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered:

"Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" - the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest's actions and said:

"No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:

"Were you gambling, Rabbi?"

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied:

"With whom?

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.