(nOT SO) UNWILLING VICTIM

“Brenda, may I come in?” - he asked. “I've somethin' to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?”

“That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”

“Oh, God no!” - cried Brenda. “Please don't tell me...”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.”

Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up.

“How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda...no.”

“No?”

“You know there are cold days here when it is nice to jump into the hot water. In the summer it gets very hot in these parts and the only way to cool off is to immerse yourself in the cool waters of the pool.”

“But what about the empty pool?”

“There are days when I don’t feel like swimming.”

“Face up. I am not afraid of the blade.”

Assisted by the executioner, he got into position and as the release rope was pulled, the oblique blade descended swiftly and ... stopped just a hairsbreadth from the victim’s extended neck. The executioner swore under his breath, reset the blade and pulled the rope once more. The blade came down with speed and again stopped just short of the Frenchman’s neck. After the same scene repeated itself for the third time, law obliged them, to set the man free.

The Englishman’s turn came up. He too was asked for the position he favors.

“Face down,” - replied the man. “I don’t want to see the bloody knife coming down on my neck.”

After he kneeled and his head was in position, the executioner activated the machine. With a shivery whoosh the heavy blade sped down and stopped a few millimeters from its goal. The machine was tried for the second time, then once again, but finally they had to let the Englishman go too.

Now only the German was left.

“Which way do you want to face?” - asked the executioner.

“It makes no difference to me,” - answered the sentenced man, - “but you should fix the damn machine first.”
TO EACH IN ACCORDANCE WITH HER OWN NEEDS
For the first time in her life a countrywoman visited the big city and as she needed some underwear, her friend took her to a big department store.

“If you buy a pack of panties, you can get a better deal, Madam” - said the seller. “What kind would you prefer? A pack of seven, five, or twelve?”

“What is the best?” - whispered the woman to her friend.

“For everyday use, I would suggest a pack of seven. The undies are marked ‘Sunday’, ‘Monday’, etc.”

“And what is the purpose of the five-pack?”

“These are for French women. You know, on weekends they go without.”

“And the pack of twelve?”

“Oh, these? These are for the Poles. They are inscribed ‘January’, ‘February’, etc.”

“What was that for?” - demanded the flabbergasted Chinese.

“For Pearl Harbor” - replied the other one.

“But I’m Chinese and it was the Japanese who attacked Pearl Harbor.”

“Japanese, Chinese, it makes no difference to me.”

For a while all was quiet, as the two contemplated the incident. Suddenly, the Chinese got up and slapped the other salesman’s face. Now it was the turn of the Jewish salesman to be surprised:

“And what was that for?” - he asked in astonishment.

“That was for sinking the “Titanic,” - was the reply.

“But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.”

“Iceberg, Rosenberg, it makes no difference to me.”

“It seems that we made a good investment.”

“Sure, Bob, but if you must know, my house is worth $30,000 more than yours.”

“How can that be,” - wondered Bob, - “after all our houses are completely identical.”

“Yes, but I don’t have a black neighbor.”
You probably know this anecdote, but I just love to hear it and retell it, because - for me - it symbolizes a small victory against bigotry all over the world. So here you are:
THE INFALLIBLE GENERAL
The southern socialite was sending out invitations for a party that she was about to give, when she discovered that she was short of a few gentlemen. Struck by a sudden idea, she phoned the local Air Force base and asked its commander to reinforce her party with half-a-dozen young, presentable officers. As an afterthought, she added:

“And do me a favor, send no Jews, please!”

At the appointed hour, the doorbell rang and when the hostess opened the door, there on the porch stood six handsome, tall, black officers in their dress uniforms.

“But surely this must be a mistake,” - stammered the stricken mistress of the house.

“I do not think there is any mistake, Madam” - answered the senior officer. “General Cohen is never wrong.”
TOTAL REJECTION
On a train, during their tour abroad, the Greens shared a compartment with an Englishman. Mrs. Green became hungry and her husband unpacked their lunch. Before they began eating, he politely offered some food to the Englishman:

“A piece of baked chicken?”

“No, thank you,” - shook the Englishman his head.

“Then maybe some biscuits.”

“No, thank you.”

“And how about a glass of red wine?”

Mrs. Green frowned in disapproval and whispered to her husband:

“Eugene, you know how these English are. He probably refused, because you didn’t introduce me to him.”

“My wife,” – indicated Mr. Green his wife.

But the Englishman was adamant:

“No, thank you.”

ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE
The 80-year-old dame told her friends she is going to take an English conversation course at the Berlitz.

“Why would you start learning a foreign language at your age?” - wondered her companions.

“I heard they speak English in Heaven,” - replied the matron.

“And what if you get to Hell?” - queried her pals.

“I already know Polish,” - was the reply.
A HARDENED CRIMINAL
A Ukrainian accused of murder and armed robbery was brought before an investigating judge. As he didn’t speak English, the court appointed an interpreter for him. A transcript from the investigation:

Judge: “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Interpreter: (in Ukrainian) “Do you confess to murdering the victim?”

Accused: “Yes, I do.”

Interpreter: “Yes, I do.”

Judge: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Interpreter: “And where did you hide the loot?”

Accused: “That is my secret.”

Interpreter: “That is my secret.”

Judge: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Interpreter: “I must warn you, that the maximum penalty for murder is death and unless you fully confess, the court can show you no leniency.”

Accused: “I buried it in the church yard.”

Interpreter: “I prefer to die.”
ACCURATE DESCRIPTION
A construction worker fell off some scaffolding and died on the spot. The police sergeant, who came to investigate the work accident, was told to speak to the two Polish workers, who had worked with the dead man for the last several years. He started off with a few simple questions:

“Can you tell me the name of the deceased?”

“John,” - came the prompt answer from both of the men.

“John who?”

The two shrugged:

“We don’t know. We never asked him his surname.”

“So maybe you can tell me his address?”

Another shrug.

“We don’t know. After work John always went to the right, we went to the left and that is all we know.”

The sergeant tried another track:

“Does he have a wife, or any other family?”

“We don’t know. We never asked.”

Now the policeman became really exasperated.

“Is there anything you do know?”

The two were overjoyed. At last they could be of help:

“We know that John had two schmucks.”

“How can you know such a thing?” - asked the surprised sergeant.

“Well, on pay-day we used to have a beer together and every time we entered the pub the bartender said:

“Here comes John and his two schmucks!”
WHO IS MINDING THE STORE?
The family was all assembled around the bedside of a dying old Jew. With his eyes closed, his voice feeble, the patriarch asked:

“Is Sara here?”

“Yes, my dear,” - answered his faithful wife. “I am here by your side.”

“And is Abraham here?”

“Yes, Papa,”

“Are Reuven, Tamar and Rivka and little Moses nearby?”

“Yes, Papa, we are,” - replied the children in unison.

Abruptly the old man sat up and with his stern eyes wide open, looked at his loved ones:

“If everybody is here,” - he shouted - “then who the hell is minding the store?”
DEPENDS ON YOUR VIEWPOINT
A man fancied the Polish peasant’s beautiful, young spouse, but did not know how to achieve his purpose, as the husband guarded his wife jealously and did not let her out of his eyesight. One night he was awakened from deep sleep by a knock on the window of his cottage.

“Janek, look out! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Thoroughly shocked, Janek sat up in his bed and looked to the pillow next to him. His lady was right there, sleeping soundly.

“Silly joker,” - grumbled Janek to himself and drifted off again. After a while, another knock came and a voice called again:

“Watch it, Janek! Somebody is fooling around with your wife.”

Janek looked again and again there was nobody else in their marital bed.

After the third knock on his window, Janek got really mad, put on his pants, opened the door and walked around the cottage, to see who was at the back window, disturbing his sleep. That was the opportunity the secret admirer was waiting for. As soon as Janek left the room, he slipped through the door and got into bed, next to Janek’s wife.

When Janek reached the back window he obviously did not find anyone there. He started to return to the room, when he happened to look through the window and saw the stranger in bed next to his wife. He scratched his head and said wonderingly:

“From the outside it certainly looks that way!”
IS IT SO LATE?
Hershl had been living in Paris for nearly a year and was very proud of the French phrases he had picked up. One day, he decided to test his knowledge and on the Mètro, asked a Frenchman:

“Quelle heure est il?”

In a typical Parisienne way the man uttered:

“Je ne sais pas”.

This unexpected reply found Hershl out of his depth:

“Is it that late?” – he said.

“This here is my golf course.”

“And how often do you play?”

“I tried it once, but found that it was boring.”

They went on.

“These are my stables.”

“Do you ride a lot?”

“Once I took one of my horses for a ride, but found that it was quite boring.”

They went on and encountered a young boy.

“This is my son.”

“I guess that it’s your only child.”
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER
In the old Russia they used to abduct young Jewish boys and forcibly conscript them into the Army. Many of these boys were never heard of again although some managed - after a few years - to return to their families. One of the boys, who completely lost contact with his family, eventually became a general and one day, when the Army held maneuvers near his birthplace, decided to see if any of his folks were still around. There was a lot of excitement in the town. After all, it was not everyday that a Jewish boy from a small village became a general and paid a visit in town. A big dinner was held in his honor with the general seated at the head of the table, next to the rabbi. The poor man was at a loss for words with such an important person and in the end started with the subject closest to him, religion.

“Tell me, Your Excellency, in your years in the Army, did you manage to remain a Jew?”

“I tried my best,” – answered the soldier.

The rabbi pressed on:

“Did you observe the holy Sabbath?”

“How could I? The enemy does not observe the Jewish holidays and when he attacks, we too must make our move, Sabbath, or not.”

“But did you eat kosher food?”

“Sometimes I was happy to get any food at all and besides, where would I have obtained kosher food?”

The rabbi was getting desperate:

“But did you at least say your prayers regularly?”

The general was ready with his reply:

“In your opinion, how would it look for an Imperial Army officer to be seen wearing a prayer shawl and phylacteries?”

The exasperated minister was at his wit’s end:

“But Your Excellency, pray tell me, what is it, that is still Jewish in you?”

“I am still afraid of dogs,” – answered the veteran soldier
MATING URGE
At the Warsaw zoo, the male gorilla passed away. His mate lost all interest in life, stopped eating, sat dejectedly all day in a corner, visibly pining away for lack of love. Telexes were sent to all the zoos in the world, but the search for a replacement was to no avail. In the end a member of the management suggested advertising in the local newspapers. The following ad was published:

“Urgent. Required a mate for our female gorilla. Only candidates, who are single, strong and in perfect physical condition, need to apply. $300, twice weekly.”

Only one reply was received: The letter read:

“I am a 35 year old sailor, single and muscle-bound, ready to do the job as many times a week as necessary, but I have three conditions:

1. I don't want to have to kiss her.

2. I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.

3. I can only afford to pay $150.”
JEWISH (GRAND) MOTHER
A young mother asked her mother to take her child to the beach and beseeched her to take good care of him. She need not have worried. The grandmother kept her charge almost within arm’s reach and did not let him out of sight. Suddenly a big wave came out of the sea and before anything could be done, the boy was swept away. The stricken grandmother fell to her knees and with tears in her eyes shouted towards the sky:

“Almighty God, how could you have done such a cruel deed to me? To me Sarah, the most pious woman in the community, who never yet missed a prayer-service at the synagogue, who always gave money to the paupers, who never cheated at cards.”

Just as she finished speaking, another huge wave swept in and set the missing child at his grandmother’s feet.

“Thank you Dear Lord,” –- said the grateful woman, – “but what about the cap the boy had on his head?”

Long hours and the tediousness of the process took their toll and one day, just as he was attaching the electrodes to a black man’s temples; the scientist was called away for an urgent phone-call. In his hurry, he attached the electrodes in reverse, so that instead of raising the IQ, they lowered it. Just as he finished his phone-conversation, he realized his mistake, hurried back to the treatment-room, removed the electrodes and anxiously inquired of his patient:

“How you are, Sir?”

“Dobrze” (good in Polish) - answered the black man.

“I have been told that the runway at this airport is shorter than average, so as soon as we touch down, start applying strong pressure to the brakes.”

Indeed, on landing, the First Officer - watched by the Captain - operated the thrust reverses, leaned with all his might on the brakes and even then, barely managed to stop the heavy airplane from running off the end of the runway. He wiped his sweaty forehead and sighed:

“Those bloody Americans, you would think that by now they would have learned how to construct an airport. Look at its length, barely sufficient to land an airplane and look at its width, you can hardly see the end of it!”

“I don't think I could have retrieved my hat.” - said the rabbi. “Thank you very much!”

Then he placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said:

“May God bless you.”

The young man thought to himself:

“I've been blessed by a rabbi, this must be my lucky day!”

He decided to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first as well. At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he returned the rabbi's hat and how he blessed him and how he then went to the track and bet on horses, which were named after hats,.

“So where's the money?” - she said.

“I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.”

“You fool! Chateau means house in French, Chapeau is a hat.”

“It doesn't matter,” - he said. “The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke.
SPEAKING PART
A Jewish boy came home from school and told his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” - said the mother. “What part is it?”

“I play the part of the Jewish husband!”

The mother scowled and said:

“Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!”
JEWISH DOG
A Jew named Hirsch lived alone in the outskirts of the small town with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Hirsch went to the rabbi and asked:

“Rabbi, my darling dog, who for the last 15 years has been my only companion and who was such a comfort to me in my loneliness, has passed away. Could I bury be him in the Hirsch family plot in cemetery?”

The rabbi replied:

“No, we cannot bury the creature in our cemetery, but I know the minister of the church down the road, maybe he'll able to do something for the animal.”

Hirsch said:

“I'll go there right now. Do you think a donation $50,000 would reward him for his help?”

The rabbi asked:

“Why didn't you tell me the dog was Jewish?”

“Enough of that!” - shouted the exasperated teacher. He had the driver stop the bus, told the children to get out and form a line at the roadside.

“From now on,” - announced the teacher - “there will be no whites and blacks. From now on everybody will be blue. Understood? All right, get on the bus, presto, first the bright-blues and then the dark-blues.

maRY and the hOTEL cLERK
Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

“I’m sorry Madam, there’s no room. The hotel is full.”

The Jewish lady said:

“But your sign says that you have vacancies.”

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

“You know that we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try the other side of town...”

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

“I'll have you know that I converted to your religion.”

The desk clerk said:

“Oh, yeah, then let me give you a little test: How was Jesus born?”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”

“Very good,” - replied the hotel clerk, - “tell me more.”

Mrs. Rosenberg replied:

“He was born in a manger.”

“That's right,” - said the hotel clerk - “and why was he born in a manger?”

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:

“Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”

“HK$12.50 for ₤1.”

She went ahead and changed some money. The next day she needed some more pounds and went back to the bank. This time the teller said:

“HK$12.80 for ₤1.”

The Chinese lady wondered:

“What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and today it's $12.80?”

The snotty British teller said:

“Fluctuations Madame.”

The Chinese lady replied:

“Well, fuck you caucasions too!”

“Listen guys, I heard a terrific new joke.”

“Not again! We are fed-up with those Jewish jokes,” - groaned his fellow-workers.

“Oh no, this is not a Jewish joke, it is a Japanese one,” - answered Katz.

“A Japanese? We never heard a Japanese joke. Let’s hear it.”

“Two Japanese traveled on a train from Osaka to Tokyo. Suddenly one of them said: ‘Listen, Moishe...!’”

“Can I help you?”- the madam asked.

“I want Natalie,” - the old man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...”

“No, I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

“No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The old man replied:

“I am from Minsk.”

“Really?” - replied Natalie, - “I have a sister who lives there.”

“Yes, I know,” - said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”